What’s the most polite way to refer to a transexual’s former status?
“Your previous life?”
“Your former phase of life?”
“The way you used to be?”
Is there a sensible and sensitive way of saying this at all?
(I need to write a fan letter to Zoey Tur, once known as Bob Tur.)
“Before your transition”?
That’s a nice phrase. Is ‘transition’ commonly used for this change of life?
(Have I just blown it by using a phrase that is not favored?)
This is stuff that’s new to me; I’m trying to follow the best etiquette, but I don’t know what it is!
(Zoey Tur was ambushed on an interview show by someone who refused to use her preferred choice of pronoun. Very, very ugly, and that’s why I wanted to write her a fan letter. But I was a fan of “Bob Tur” back before she changed her name – and sex – to Zoey. I met Bob once, and wanted to mention that in the fan letter, but I am not sure how best to phrase it.)
Thank you for advice!
Can you just mention that you met her X number of years ago? She would know what you mean.
I heard a transwoman fabulously refer to it as “back when I had pockets”.
(women’s clothing is notoriously short of pockets, since designers think they ruin the line of the outfit, or something like that.)
Cinnamon Imp:
More likely it’s so they can also sell them their line of designer handbags for ridiculous amounts of money (and ridiculously little functionality for it).
Hard to go wrong with “back in the day” 
Whatever you do, don’t start your letter with “Dear Sir or Madam…”
I’ve seen transgender people write of their experience “pre-transition” so I’d think that’s safe if you feel you must refer to it somehow. But I like TokyoBayer’s advice that specifying pre- or post-transition isn’t necessary.
Also of potential interest is this answer from a Q&A live chat from the Washington Post earlier this year on etiquette.
In other words, stay away from “I met you when you were Bob.”
That makes good sense! It’s sort of hiding from the problem, but that’s one of the major roles of etiquette!
Guffaw!!!
Ouch! Yeah, that would be kinda lumpish. It seems like the sort of naive tone-deaf thing that someone might say in all innocence – sort of like “You People.” It isn’t intrinsically offensive, but has connotational baggage. The reason I opened this thread is that I am innocent…and naive and tone-deaf.
Similar question. My friends ex-wife is now a man. I seldom see him (I see the friend, just not his ex-wife) but when his ex-wife comes up in conversation for events in the past, is he “he” or “she” - do I retcon events for his gender identity, under the understanding that he was always he, but spent a long time with the wrong assigned gender (which seems the most respectful), or do I keep the past tense presenting gender that was (which seems the easiest to follow)?
Generally we are talking with our friend about things that we did together back when they were married pre-transition - or talking to each other about those events, so it isn’t a case of confusing strangers, everyone in the conversation has the history.
I knew a guy in college who was 7’ tall (but didn’t play basketball, although he could get a scholarship simply by dressing for the game) and had to face comments on his height every single day of his life. I’m sure he loved it when people wouldn’t bring it up.
I also have met a number of people from the former East Germany who say that it gets tiring when people ask about the unification.
I would suspect that this case, having to refer to “the problem” as you put it, all the time would be even more annoying.