Trapped in a tragic romance

[jsc1953]

A valid point, although I like to think that my presence in a relationship is a net gain. And besides…if we were married, could you picture one partner saying “I don’t have the energy to be married right now”?

[Otara]

Married you’ve usually worked through things. Theres a strong history and base to work from.

After eight weeks for most relationships theres a fair bit to work out still, like knowing how you each manage conflict for a start.

Otara

[wonky]

Dating for a couple of months and being married are not very similar.

She has no way of knowing if she even likes you that much for you to be making sacrifices to be with her. Yes, she’s all glowy and in love, but I think a lot of people have been glowy and in love after two months who wouldn’t want that person to make big sacrifices.

Dating is stressful. Dating while very ill strikes me as potentially incredibly stressful.

[drpepper]

@commasense

Last year I decided that, being 53 and never married (never even close), I might as well get used to the idea that I would be alone for the rest of my life. Several months later, I reconnected with an old college friend, fell in love, and a month ago I asked her to marry me. (She said yes.)

At about the time we started seeing each other, she learned that she had some pre-cancerous cells in her breasts, and a few months later they had developed to the point that she needed a mastectomy of one breast last May. (She’s doing fine, and her prognosis is very good.)

She was very worried about how I’d handle all of it: the cancer, the operation, the mastectomy. Several times she offered to “release” me. But since I finally had the love I never believed I’d have, I quoted Shakespeare:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds
Or bends with the remover to remove
No, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is not shaken.

You’ve been through something I can’t even imagine, so I have no right to tell you what to do. But almost everything you’ve written screams out that, despite what happened to your wife, you want to stay with Pam.

I, for one, think you should.

First, there’s no official diagnosis. Second, she’s beaten it before and is optimistic. Third, as you point out, there are no guarantees in life. Are you planning to require future girlfriends to sign a pre-nup guaranteeing they’ll never get sick?

Finally, you’re not a coward, are you?

I didn’t think so.

You can’t avoid all the pain that will happen to you in the future. But you can avoid the love and happiness you could have with Pam, if you go along with her plan of “releasing” you.

I suggest you quote her some Shakespeare.

Comma, you are a lovey and a gentleman and I think I love you. Thank you for sharing your story and your insights. You made my day today.

[commasense]

Any updates, jsc1953?

[jsc1953]

I appreciate your interest, commasense.

In our heavy conversation on Aug 9, she asked that we chill for a week. She was going to be out of town the next weekend, and asked that we just think until she gets back.

I spent the week pacing and pondering and stewing and fretting, and decided to take your advice. I poured my heart into an email, stating that I loved her and didn’t care about anything else.

She got back into town and sent me an email asking for more time (no mention of my email) to process and to take care of “some things” (doctor appts, probably)…that she’d contact me at the end of this week.

Hmmmph. I’m a patient man, and she’s going through hell, I’m sure, and my petty anxieties are nothing. But still.