True story - trying to cheat at the game of life

This is a true story about experiences I have had with mental illness. I’m looking for feedback including feedback about the kind of supernatural realm I believed in.

Cheating in the Game of Life - A True Story written in 2008.

Back in the December of 2005 I wondered if life was real. Were we perfect gods who were playing hide and seek with ourselves through the game of life?
Back in the year 2000 I also questioned reality. I read books by Ken Keyes about how to be content with life all of the time. I came to believe that I was a perfect viewer watching the drama of life unfold. By having loving preferences rather than demands, only positive and neutral emotions remained. His books said to just play out your normal role but I thought I could help the world more by changing into whatever personality I felt like at the time. I think that we secretly crave threats to things we care about otherwise life can seem boring and meaningless. I think that’s why I put myself into riskier and riskier situations. I ended up trying to help criminals in […] become happy but after visiting the police too many times, I was taken to the hospital.

In the December of 2005 I had been off of my mood stabilizer for about 5 months. I wrote on three different internet messageboards – […] – which was mainly populated by those who don’t believe in any gods, the […] boards – which is made up of men who want to be courageous men rather than miserable doormats. The third messageboard was on […] which was a website where people shared expensive videos and files related to picking up women. At that time I became more interested in […] ebooks about David Deida’s ideas about masculine and feminine archetypes and the King-Warrior-Magician-Lover system. I also learnt about the Myers-Briggs personality system which has 16 types. For at least five years I had been interested in kabalarians.com and thought it was very accurate. It is based on a type of numerology where letters in people’s names are converted into numbers and then in a personality profile. I started making my own personality systems using diagrams based on 4 parts and was encouraged when I learnt about mandala’s which are pictures supposedly based on our underlying reality which had 4 main parts. This got me into thinking that reality was ultimately based on symbols – like a computer game’s code. And computer games often include cheat codes and if they don’t the game can be hacked.
I had also read about hypnotism and set about writing hypnotic messages on the messageboards to try to pull the readers into a fantasy world where normal physical limitations didn’t apply. I heard that about 10% of people are able to be hypnotised so that anything can be made to disappear before their eyes. Those 10% were who I was particularly interested in.

Is Life Real?
I typed in for the title. I then typed a long message where I tried to guess the readers’ thoughts in the hope of gaining their trust.
Here is a philosophical story that you might enjoy reading… you might learn something about fixing depression. Or maybe you’re not depressed so it doesn’t matter. Just go back to your real life and have fun!!! Yay!!! Isn’t real life so fun!!! That was only a fake smile!!! Maybe you had half a smile then… or maybe you’re still depressed. Well I guess you can see a psychiatrist and go to a mental hospital or read this crazy story. You might somehow learn something from this story… maybe… but I don’t want to impose on you… only read it if you’ve got time and you’re bored or something. It’s just a worthless story I’ve been thinking about… it could be made into a more realistic “Matrix” kind of movie… the story is about a character who has a depressed life and they see a story on some messageboard or something, and maybe in an email… well I guess you don’t want to read it. The End

You really don’t want to read it. If you do, things won’t seem real and people will think you’re crazy. DON’T READ THIS!!! THIS IS HARMFUL TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH!!! STOP NOW AND KEEP YOUR SANITY!!! DO YOU WANT TO BE SOME INSANE HIPPY THAT THINKS EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING AND NOTHING!!! THAT’S ILLOGICAL THEREFORE FALSE!!! THE RULES OF LOGIC DEFINE REALITY!!! YOU’RE CRAZY!!! GET HELP NOW!!! WHAT’S YOUR NAME!!! WHERE DO YOU LIVE!!! I CAN HELP!!! TELL ME NOW!!! YOU NEED HELP!!! NOW!!! YOU’RE INSANE!!! YOU’RE CRAZY!!! JUST FORGET ABOUT THIS NONSENCE AND GET BACK TO REALITY!!! DO YOU WANT TO BE LOCKED UP??? YOU SHOULD BE LOCKED UP AND THEY SHOULD THROW AWAY THE KEY!!! YOUR WAY OF THINKING IS BAD FOR CIVILIZATION!!! JUST ACCEPT THAT THINGS ARE REAL AND FACE YOUR CHALLENGES AND FIND SOME HAPPINESS IN LIFE!!! JUST ACCEPT IT!!! AND YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU JUST DON’T BELIEVE IN GOD!!! YOU ARE LOST!!! ACCEPT JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE AND THEN YOU’LL BE HAPPY!!! HEAVEN IS WONDERFUL!!! I KNOW SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THERE IS A HELL BUT THEY’RE JUST CRAZY!!! GOD IS LOVE!!! EVERYTHING IS OK!!! YOU’RE IN REALITY!!! THIS ISN’T A DREAM!!! JUST ACCEPT REALITY AND BELIEVE THAT GOD IS LOVE OR SOMETHING. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT OR YOU WON’T BE HAPPY

TO BE CONTINUED
I posted the message on all three messageboards, using capital letters to try and hammer in my words.

WELL YOU JUST READ THE FIRST PART, NOW ONTO THE NEXT PART OF THE STORY… IT SEEMS LIKE THIS STORY IS TRUE DOESN’T IT? WELL I’M JUST USING SOME HYPNOTIC TECHNIQUES… IT’S PRETTY COOL ISN’T IT!!! I CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS!!! WELL I DIDN’T READ THEM CORRECTLY THAT TIME, BUT I’M GETTING BETTER… AND MY KNOWLEDGE OF YOU WILL JUST GET BETTER AND BETTER AND YOU WILL THINK YOU’RE IN A FANTASTIC DREAM. ARE YOU HYPNOTIZED YET…

TO BE CONTINUED
I posted the next message expecting that my messages would allow people to realise first-hand that life was like a computer game and that it would either make the world’s news or be suppressed as soon as possible. I wanted extra help in the game of life in the form of a genie. Perhaps I would get a phone call soon where the game is surrendering and offering to grant wishes. I had a headache and was sweating a lot and put that down to the game trying to protect itself from cheaters who might spoil the experience for others. I would just drench my head in water to stop overheating – I don’t remember drinking water.
USING THE LATEST NLP AND HYPNOSIS TECHNIQUES, I’M GOING TO TRY AND TAKE OVER YOUR MIND.
I typed on, while not considering that I could be one of those hypnotized readers.
IF YOU READ ON, YOU WILL BE LOCKED UP IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION BECAUSE YOU ARE INSANE. YOU DON’T WANT TO BE INSANE DO YOU?
I was worried that people from the hospital would be taking me away soon so I had to hurry and get this finished.
SO KEEP ON TYPING THIS STORY…
I complied with my own command since there didn’t seem to be any people from the hospital around at that moment.
YES, LOOK AT THAT PICTURE OF SCOOBY DOO ABOVE YOU…
I looked on the wall above my computer to check to see if the picture was still there.
WHAT? YOU DON’T SEE IT? WELL YOU WILL IF YOU KEEP TYPING THIS STORY…
I assumed some readers out there didn’t see what I’m seeing yet – I thought they should keep on typing like I was.
YES, PRESS THOSE BUTTONS AND MAGICAL THINGS WILL HAPPEN. JUST WAIT AND SEE…
I made that message appear on the messageboard and then typed some more sentences about what was happening or will happen such as the phone ringing or the sound of thunder.

I decided that I’d pressed enough buttons. I kept on describing more things that I could see. Then I tried to change what was happening around me just by thinking. I wished that a girl called [T] would appear behind my bedroom door. She was about 3 years younger than me, with straight, long, brown hair and deep brown eyes. When I was at university in the year 2000, she lived in an eight-bedroom flat with me. She didn’t appear.

I decided to wander around the house. I wished life was better. I wandered past the kitchen. The sky outside seemed brighter. I walked to the back door. Then I turned around and saw a girl who looked a bit like [T] sitting at my Dad’s laptop. I later realized that she was a family friend from Germany.

The appearance and behavior of the girl who appeared sitting at that computer wasn’t what I wanted. After going towards her I retreated. She started to smile and say “what?”. I liked that so I moved towards her again. She then seemed uneasy and withdrew a little so I did too and the process repeated a few times until I was moving so close that her face was filling up my view – I was almost kissing her.

I gave up on the girl by the laptop and wished that a genie would appear to grant me wishes – or at least that there was help for dissatisfied customers. My wishes didn’t seem to be happening so I thought I’d give up temporarily by lying on the ground and closing my eyes. I rose to find things about the same so I lay down again. I did this a few times then went into my lounge room. I continued to stand up and lie down until I met a bearded man (who I later realized was my father) who was offering what I saw a cup of life-giving fluid. I went towards him a little to encourage helpfulness in the game but then retreated because I didn’t feel like a drink at the time. He also offered food but I refused it too.

I lay on the floor again and instead of getting up and lying down I’d just move my arm back and forth which represented me seeking or avoiding aspects of my present experience. I later would shake my head left and right and then just think in dualistic systems such as yes-no, left-right, one-zero, and black-white.

Lying on the ground I overheard a conversation – two men were talking about my history of bipolar disorder – they were actually my Dad and an ambulance officer. Things seemed to just get worse and worse so I thought I’d just try and die by lying down and keeping my eyes closed. Later on my Dad said that he couldn’t lift me because I was too heavy.

Then I appeared in the ambulance – I later found out that I had been lifted off of the floor and onto the stretcher. I moved and thought to myself in those two-word systems (one-zero, on-off, etc) in time to the two-tone siren and heart-rate monitor. I wanted to have everything I wanted with just a tiny hand gesture. With my eyes closed I thought that I’d soon be bored of that and perhaps indulge in cruelty. I thought of the implications of being selfish and cruel – it meant that I had an evil heart. In my deepest thoughts I was Satan. A year later I even went around in public saying I was Satan and offering to grant people wishes if they’d do me favors. But that’s another story.

Back in the ambulance, on my left, was a lady that I again thought was a non-perfect recreation of [T]. According to the files I obtained under the Freedom Of Information Act, I wanted to hold her hand. Perhaps I reached out to her to communicate that.

I blacked out again and went back to going back and forth between two opposites. I wondered what structure reality had. I thought about the yin-yang symbol. Was reality a battle between two opposites? I then thought about a very complicated flower image that looked like it was made up of three main loops. I can’t remember what those three loops meant exactly. Maybe one was the “right-hand path” of being a humble servant, the next was the “left-hand path” of being self-centered, and then was the “middle path” which I think involves respect and equality.

Then I was wheeled on a hospital bed through a pair of swinging doors. I thought this meant that I was being reborn. I found the sounds from the hospital interesting. There was a man talking with a very strong Scottish accent. I decided to get up and I saw that I was wearing my white and blue camouflage board shorts and I remembered who I was. I sat up and looked around. I was told to not get up so I kept on lying down.

At the hospital I was put back on mood stabilizers. This made it hard for me to be motivated to do things and I wanted to stay in bed a lot. Several weeks later I was home alone and decided that it was game over for me. I connected some tubing up to my car’s exhaust pipe and sat in the driver’s seat. Feeling restless I tried breathing in from the tube directly. I decided to put the radio on. Playing on the radio was Ben Lee’s “Gamble Everything For Love”. After that was the New Radical’s song “You Get What You Give”.
…….But when the night is falling
And you cannot find the light (light)
If you feel your dream is dying
Hold tight
You’ve got the music in you
You’ve got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don’t give up
You’ve got a reason to live
Can’t forget you only get what you give

I was starting to feel disorientated and didn’t feel very well and I decided to give life another chance. I staggered out of the car. A couple of days later I casually mentioned to my psychiatrist what I had done and was admitted into the mental ward of a hospital for the third time.

The fourth time I was admitted into hospital was in early 2007. Like other times I wasn’t having much medication – maybe just some anti-depressants. I was overcoming my fear of parties although I was still very reserved. I started to come up with theories about personalities that even included types of cars (e.g. macho, elegant, homely, etc). I started writing a book called “The Game of Life Rulebook”.

Some extracts:
PLAY BY THESE RULES… OR LIFE WILL F*** YOU UP! EITHER THE COPS, THE TAXMAN, THE MENTAL INSTITUTIONS, OR BAD PEOPLE, ETC, WILL GET YOU!
DON’T TRY AND USE TRICKY TECHNIQUES TO CHEAT TOO MUCH AT THE GAME OF LIFE EITHER… THE GAME WILL GET REVENGE!

• don’t preach the easy way (cheats) - only if you’re called for help
• it’s good to be in reality
• don’t manipulate people - they need to choose freely
Superstition, messages from TV/music, magic, etc, is real and works IF you are in the right state of mind but if you try and use it to manipulate others or to prove it, it will seem just like it was a hallucination, coincidence or it won’t work. Others would think you’ve got schizophrenia. Conspiracy theories and others talking in code is often true - if you are in the right state of mind but they involve synchronicity so it seems to others like it is just coincidences and you’re reading too much into unrelated events and that you’re crazy.

signs you’re on the right track:
synchronocity
good ideas
miracles

signs you’re on the wrong track:
misfortunes
near misses
advice messages
warning messages

I didn’t follow my own advice – I preached about what I thought was the easy way to get through life. With my theories I was detached from reality rather than being down to earth.

At the moment I just believe life has no supernatural realm behind it. That means that my wildest dreams such as meeting [T] or ruling the world probably won’t come true. Now I have smaller dreams, such as finishing a computer game I’m sometimes working on. That project is good at keeping me down to earth because it is a regular source of frustration because of my mediocre programming skills. If I fail at creating the game how I imagine it could be I don’t feel like a failure as a person. On the other hand I do feel like a failure if I think about my real life so I don’t think about my life very often or deeply. But that’s ok with me.

==================
Follow-up… a couple of months later I met my wife.

Glad to see I’m not the only one home alone on New Year’s Eve…

Your post is rather tl;dr but this final part caught my eye:

Synchronicity = absolutely. Good Ideas = sure, why not? Miracles = hmm…define, please?

And I’ve heard some people talk about “messages from TV/music” but never experienced it myself. What’s it like, and what do these messages tell you to do?

BTW this was originally in the form of an 8 page booklet that I made for a creative writing class for mentally ill people.

I didn’t actually experience them… I guess they would involve unbelievable events.

I’ve only experienced that in a mental hospital when I was initially admitted.

Even when I’m not deluded I thought the magazine I found that day was amazing:

“Introducing (drumroll) Inferno networking software… a new Bell Labs innovation. First operating system that lets all kinds of devices chat or share info with each other over any network (Internet, telecommunications, LANS, et al). Now the video game can talk to the computer; cell phone can access e-mail; voice mail via TV, etc. (Really) Download Inferno from Lucent home page today - develop apps a.s.a.p. Could change the way you work - all together.”

The ad was from an old 1997 magazine. It was interesting how it used magic/supernatural names like Lucent and Inferno.

I thought that the “Survivor” show on TV was some kind of propaganda or something.

On second thoughts this is a quote from the story where I was trying to gas myself in a car:

I thought that both songs were a message to me - even though I didn’t believe in the supernatural.

I personally always tried to cheat by jerry-rigging the wheel so I’d get 5 on my first spin and I’d become a doctor.

Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landslide (no) escape from reality

Could you describe your experience, i.e. did you feel the presence of a demon or angel, or did you correctly surmise that you were cracking up?

Believe it or not, I’m genuinely interested in this sort of thing.

I felt alone - it just seemed weird what those two songs were on the radio. I’m not sure what you mean by “cracking up”. I’ve never felt a presence of a supernatural being though once I thought some witches were watching me through some birds.

I get messages from the tv all the time.

There are some happy bears telling me to buy toilet paper because I got white poo stuck on my butt.

There are elves telling me to buy cookies.

There’s this bee that’s always telling me to buy cereal.

And many more.

I once bought insurance from a lizard!

I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!

I wasn’t quite able to parse all of what JohnClay was trying to say in the OP. This is probably due to a number of reasons.

Nevertheless, there are two things that stand out for me. One is that he’s been through some really difficult stuff, and I can empathize with that. I hope you are handling things okay now, JC.

The other is that it seems that you have had some… interesting experiences that are not entirely distinct from some that I have had, and about which I still have many questions. Many 'Dopers obviously find such things worthy of ridicule, and, hell, let 'em have their fun. But I’d really like to learn more about these experiences with synchronicity, and the like, if the OP is willing to share.

Your delusions remind me of some acid trips I have been on when I was young. Especially the way you make far flung conclusions from loosely/vaguely related data/hallucinations with huge leaps of specious logic.

Anyway, it seems that you have had a number of psychotic episodes brought on by your bipolar disorder. I hope you are being properly treated and that you stay on your meds.

Same here. Reading so much into that Lucent ad, believing it somehow holds the secret to the meaning of life. Yikes. I often think that LSD gives you real insight into what it feels like to be insane, and I’m sure there are some types of insanity that are very much like an acid trip that never ends. It must be awful.

I don’t think I said that… I just said “It was interesting how it used magic/supernatural names like Lucent and Inferno.”
Also it was amazing technology yet hardly anyone seemed to know about it. BTW if it wasn’t for me, there wouldn’t have been that scan of the ad on wikipedia and the article wouldn’t have included information about Playstations and email being checked on cell phones in 1997. BTW I went to that hospital ten years later. It is very rare to find a magazine devoted to the internet in a hospital.

That ad about Lucent’s technology is the main example.

Also those two songs on the radio (the only two songs on at the time) is another example.

Inferno I get, but…Lucent?? Is that a river separating two inner rings of Hades or something?

Had to look this one up, it’s called ideas of reference. It’s pretty much exclusively a symptom of mental illness or heavy drug intoxication. From the wiki link:

Far as I can tell, it’s just a Latin-originating word meaning “glowing” or “clear (translucent).” So no, no particular magical association.

Actually there is “Lucifer” (Satan) which means “shining one, morning star”


And Lucius Malfoy (a bad character)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucius_Malfoy#Lucius_Malfoy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucius
"Lucius derives from latin word Lux (gen. lucis), meaning “light”

http://biblehub.com/2_corinthians/11-14.htm
“And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.”

About the Lucent logo:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucent#Logo
“One source inside Lucent says that the logo is actually a Zen Buddhist symbol for “eternal truth”, the Enso, turned 90 degrees and modified. Another source says it represents the mythic ouroboros, a snake holding its tail in its mouth…”

My sisters would say that that is demonic. (they think things from other religions are)

So in fact it is highly meaningful. There is also something else about “Lucent” which is too personal to reveal (I want to be anonymous).

If that hadn’t had happened I think it would be highly likely that I would have continued to gas myself…
I guess that it was just chance that those two songs were on though it would be very unlikely that I would have found most other songs equally meaningful…

The lyrics again:

The other lyrics are also quite meaningful too.

I guess the other song isn’t quite as meaningful - basically just things like “If you gamble everything for love You gonna be alright”
http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858530791/