Front Desk Memo File - Limbo
To: Eight Circle: Sowers of Scandal
From: Front Desk, Limbo
Re: YOUR MOTHER IS NOT SUFFERING HERE
SoS’s…please try to remember that part of being in the eighth circle is CLEANING UP AFTER YOURSELF. When your bodies are split and your guts poured out, DISPOSE OF THEM IN THE CORRECT LOCATION.
We have received complaints from the Forgers that they are experiencing GUT leakage.
Don’t let it happen again.
To: The Hypocrites
From: The Flatterers
Re: Your Heavy Black Robes
One word: Fabulous
To: Dionysius and friends, - River of Blood, Violent Sinners
From: The Centaurs of the River of Blood
Re: Late Night Parties
Enough. Let it be known that anyone seen with Dionysius will be banished to the Abyss, with no possibility of parole.
To: The Flatterers
From: Front Desk, Limbo
Re: Interoffice Memos
The Interoffice Memo system is not to be abused to send personal messages to suffering shades in other levels.
We appreciate your prompt attention to this matter.
To: Front Desk, Limbo
From: Gluttonous
Re: Pizza
Hey, can you have about 36,398,478 pizzas sent down here? Pref. with extra pepperoni. A little short on rations at the moment.
To: Gluttonous
From: Malebolge
Re: Pizza
Here, we’ll take care of that for you. Thin crust or thick?
To: Malebolge
From: Gluttonous
Re: Pizza
Damned if I know. How about 36 mil of each?
To: The Frauds in Malebolge
From: Front Desk, Limbo
Re: Pizza memos
Do not tease the other spirits. If you continue this, we can take it as being “treacherous to your hosts” - there is still a circle lower than you. Knock it off.
To: Gluttonous
From: Front Desk, Limbo
Re: Pizza
In your dreams.
To: Front Desk, Limbo
From: Flatterers
Re: Pizza memos
Good ones! LOL!
To: The Flatterers
From: FD, L
Re: Second warning
This is your second warning. Knock It Off.
To: Sullen, Wrathful
From: Front Desk, Limbo
Re: Kicking Dirt
We’ve received notice from lower circles that you are constantly kicking dirt in sullen frustration. Please try to keep this to a minimum, as we only have so much dirt in hell.
Thanks in advance.
Well, I liked the idea, jarbabyj, but it doesn’t seem to have taken off, and I can’t come up with any more, either. Funny idea, though.
Damn. Thanks Texan. maybe someone will come up with something if we bump it one more time
I was enjoying it too, in a lurker sort of way. Sorry I am not feeling very creative atm.
To: Sullen, Wrathful
From: Front Desk, Limbo
Re: Kicking Dirt
I let Cerberus out, and he’s hungry.
**To: Front Office
From: Circle Eight
Re: Virgil’s advice**
I am curious as to how many centuries I should wait before following up with you to see if you intend to act on my memo. But at the risk of jumping the gun by a century or two, let me repeat.
We were having a normal day here, with Adamo and Sinon and others having their usual pissing matches. Then this guy Virgil comes through here and give his protege some advice we feel is very counterproductive. Dante was really getting interested in watching all the accusations fly back and forth when Virgil says to him that “To hear such wrangling is a joy for vulgar minds.” Dante seemed to take it to heart. Now here we are, centuries later, and Virgil’s advice has been out there without any effective response from us. Think of the damage it would do if people realized how vulgar it was to watch such idiots argue.
Please advise.
**To: Circle Eight
From: Front Office
Re: Virgil’s advice**
We’ve already acted on it. We created the internet. Folks are going at it like never before.
To: Lustful
From: Front Desk, Limbo
Re: Screaming
We have received complaints on the amount of screaming coming from your circle. We will NOT tell you again, GET OFF EACH OTHER. There is a reason you’re down there. You are being disrespectful to the other condemed. You are not dogs, take a break. If we may suggest, join the Gluttonous, they have just received pizza.
(I tried 
)
To: Soul Snatchers
From: Old Nick
Re: Osama bin Laden
Staff,
Get him in here right away. There’s several flaming oil wells we need to cap with his foreskin.
To: Satan
From: Jeb, keeper of level 9.
Franklin, the center head of the demon-monster, is complaining again. He has grown weary of eating the same thing, every meal, every day. In fact, he has written to Bob at the Union. Bob suggests switching Judas with Brutus and perhaps offering Franklin an early vacation. What are your thoughts?
(found pinned to the 5th level breakroom fridge)
To whomever took my Little Debbie starcrunch, I would appreciate it being replaced immediately.
Office memo to all:
It has come to my attention that we are having problems in regards to the restroom facilities. Here we go again (and this will be the last time I send a memo bring up this problem):
If you sprinkle
when you tinkle,
be a sweetie
and wipe the seatie.
-Satan
To: Custodial Staff
From: Satan
Re: Hope
All of the hope abandoned by ye who enter here is piling up at the front door. I have tripped over it three times this week alone as I go out to grab the mail. And it makes the entrance to Hell, which should look awesome and scary, look sloppy and disorganized. There are Dumpsters out back for all the excess bits of hope – let’s get cleaning!
Also, you’re taking another pay cut. You didn’t think I could pay you less than nothing, but damned if I didn’t figure out a way! And damned if I did.
[These are hilarious. Great idea, Jessi!]
To : Mitzi (mailroom)
From : Gluttonous
Re : Little Debbie starcrunch
Got any more?
Welcome to yet another zany issue of Memo And Monthly Notes , brought to you by the good folks in The Upper Rings.
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The Recycling Program has been suspended. Most materials distributed througought the Rings burns at 451 degress Farenheit. As we all know from our Arrival Manuals, Hell Is typically operating in the 700-1,200 degress Farenheit range. Thank you all so much for your efforts. The tin can slag pile is now available for sledding parties. Please contact Mr. Rosebud at extension 666.
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Apparently many recent arrivals are still struggling with the basics. There are no Starbuck’s Coffee Shops. Krispy Kreme is NOT opening a franchise on the rim of Ring 4. For those of you here on Internet infractions, please take note: Your E.A.C. ( Eternal Access Coding ) is in direct inverse proportion to the access you abused while on Earth.
That is to say, if you had 56K service, you will have 33.3K service. If you enjoyed DSL, you will have 28.8. If you abused and malinged the free world using a T-1 service, then your fountain pen and small cracked well of Indian Ink will be found embedded into the crooked befouled desk in your cell. The nib cannot be replaced, and the well ran dry almost 90 eons ago. After all, this IS Hell !!! 
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Real Estate frauds finding themselves in Rings 1-4, take note. The rule of Earth was Location, Location, Location. A similar rule applies here in Hades. You will be placed in a Ring commensurate with your level of sinful behavior. Those of you who sold topsoil may get off with a gentle Ring 2 situation, but those of you who double-sided points on closing to decieve both bank and buyer…well… don’t go packing long underwear. You won’t need it.
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The e-mails from the Society of Fornicating Banjo Players demanding a change in venue because you are eternally sharing the stage with the London Symphony Orchestra while they are incapable of getting past the second movement of Mozart’s Requiem Mass have become tiresome- this is HELL, people. Ajustments must be made.
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Those who feel they have been improperly labelled as slothful or prideful may appeal their rulings in a special One-Time Adjustment Adjudicative Appeal Session ( the O.-T. A.A.A.S.) Humility helps. And, brush your teeth. The Prince of Darkeness hates bad breath. Like this is news to any of us.
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The weekly Death Row Redeux session are hereby cancelled indefinitely.
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***** Special Reminder*****. You have only thirty Earthly calendar days to dispose of all sunblock, protective eyewear and outerclothing. This isn’t Tampa, people. It’s Hell. Act accordingly.
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The Liquid Stained Glass Club has shifted its monthly work group to Ring 8, Lower Quadrant 345,034,991,204. Please make note. Apparently the glass holds soft form better at this level. For details, contact Crystal Waterford at extension 666.
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The Purgatorial Players will be staging a new production of ** The Boys from Brazil**. Auditions for all parts by June of 83,009. Remember, auditions are Off-Book. Stage Crew and Pyrotechnics people are always appreciated. Remember - this is YOUR drama club !!! Reach out and touch Bill Bard at extension 666 for details.
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Those of you newbies still using toilet paper, knock it off. Where do you think you are? Newark? This is HELL, people.
HAVE A NICE DAY !!!
Cartooniverse 
Cartooniverse – I think I love you.
To: All
From: Satan
Re: Attitude
C’mon people, why are we in such a bad mood. Quite being so depressing. It’s not as bad as you think. All you are doing is being condemed to everlasting fire and brimstone in eternal, agonizing pain. It is not the end of the world. Cheer up. I heard the gluttonous are having cake. Who doesn’t like cake. And the rumor is that the lustful are easy. Who here doesn’t want to bang Helen of Troy. Look on the bright side.