To: Abraham
From: Rich man
CC: Lazarus
Re: water
Where has he got to? It’s quater to eternity already, and I think my watch has stopped.
To: Every Current Deep Frying Krispy Kreme Employee
From: Temptation
Re: Homer Simpson
All,
We need another forbidden soul doughnut to lure this oaf back in here.
To: False Christians
From: Satan
Re: Waco
All,
Guess who finally stopped smoking after all these years?
David Koresh.
Cartooniverse, I think I love you too.
**To: Everyone **
From: Hilda
Location: Valet, Level One, sector 1.
There will be a handbasket sale this Thursday starting at 10am.
To: John Cusack, Anjelica Huston and Annette Bening
From: Satan.
Hey, wake up, people. I said that was the level for grafters.
To: Fourth Circle, Those Lost in Avarice
From: Front Desk, Limbo
Re: Good news, bad news
The good news: Dubya’s massive tax cut will become law.
The bad news: There still ain’t anything down here to spend it on.
To: Fifth Circle, Those Lost in Anger
From: Front Desk, Limbo
Re: Road Rage Refresher Course
Don’t forget Tuesday’s class with muck-gurgling chorus practice to follow and a quick bite after that.
To: Helen Waite
From: Apollyon
Re: Induction
Welcome!
To: Nell
From: Jerry
Re: “Hell is for lovers” campaign
I was writing to remind you of our upcoming meeting with the Tourism board.
Is your powerpoint presentation finished? I recall you said Helga need to submit photos.
I am also writing to let you know that our proposal for a theme park (“limboland”) has met with approval.
To: All Members of Hell
From: Front Desk, Limbo
New Addition!!!
Let’s all give a warm (pun intended) welcome to Uday Hussein, who will be signing autographs in EACH circle of hell before heading to circle seven, traitors to god, neighbor and country!
Way to go Uday…for your dedicated life of sin you will be granted “ALL ACCESS” to all circles of the inferno.
From: Front Desk
To: All Circles
Message: How many times do we have to tell you?! DO NOT reply to any “To Let” adverts from the 9th circle!
There is a reason the rent is so cheap people…
From: Limbo
To: 9th Circle
Re: pizza party
Message:
Could you make sure you bring a lot of ice to next Friday’s pizza party?
As you know, we ran out last time, partly because we held the party on the banks of the Phlegethon river. The location for this one isn’t quite as hot, but hey, this is Hell ya know. So don’t be stingy with the ice.
From: Brutus
To: All Circles
RE: Signing me up to Viagra Newsletters.
Message: Ha bloody ha.
From: Limbo
To: Gluttinous
RE: pizza party
We’ve set a three piece per person limit on pizza. Please do not rob others of their treats.
From: Gluttinous
To: Limbo
RE: pizza party
Message:
Well make sure the Titans of Tartarus don’t eat more than their fair share.
To: Hitler
From: Satan
Re: Accomodations
Adolf, I know that you were nearly the Ruler of the Third Reich and all that, but no matter how much you complaining to the zoning board, you are going to have to share your quarters with Phred Phelps, the Husseins, Osama Bin Laden. You’ve already managed to make peace with Pol Pot. You’ll just have to adjust for the incoming onslaught. This is Hell, remember?
To: All newbies
From: Satan, CEO
Hell, Inc.
Re: Phone extentions
You may have noticed that every phone extension in Hell is listed as 666. This is not a typo. Every phone extension in Hell is indeed 666.
So yes, that means everyone dialing 666 will be ringing approximately 1.5 x 10^6 phones, in all levels of Hell. And yes, that means it will take what seems like an eternity (heh, heh) to figure out who you are really trying to reach and to get all the other damned souls to hang up.
So please stop trying to register a complaint or question the folks in The Upper Rings about this matter.
This is Hell, remember?
To: Everyone
From: Front Desk
Re: FUNNY!!! DO NOT DELETE!
Seen on Satan’s Coffee Mug:
** You don’t have to be a Simonist to work here, but it sure helps!****
LOLOLOLOL
Forward this on to ten of your friends!
To: Bashere
From: Hell’s fairness and Mediation Board,
665 Considerable Discomfort Avenue,
Dis, Dis
Hell
Re: Your message
As you have astutely pointed out in each of your 300 memos, yes, Satan is trapped in a lake of ice, and you are correct that this means that part of Hell is, in fact, frozen over.
She still isn’t going to sleep with you. She is not contractually obligated to sleep with you. It was a figure of speech. Let it go. If you promise to stop bothering us about this, we will reassign you to Virtuous Pagans on Level one.
Thank you.
To: John Doe, Purgagtory.
From: The son of the Gatekeeper, Malebolge.
YOU NEED TO KEEP THIS SECRIT.I HAVE MANAGED TO AKQUIRE 3,000,000 YEARS OF PENTITANCE FROM MY FATHER. UNFORTUNATELY I AM UNABLE TO TRANSFER IT OUT OF HERE, AS SATAN HAS REALLY CRACKED DOWN ON THAT SORT OF THING. NOW I NEED YOUR HELP. IF YOU CAN SEND ME YOUR PENTITANCE ACCOUNT NUMBER, AND ACCESS CODE, I CAN TRANSFFER ALL OF IT INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. YOU CAN KEEP AS MANY YEARS AS YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE AND INTO HEAVEN. AGAIN YOU MUST KEEP THIS SECRET.
REGARDS THE SON OF THE GATEKEEPER.