**To: Jerry Falwell
From: Satan
Re: Good news, bad news.
The good news.** Mr. Falwell, you were right about the Prophet Mohammad.
The bad news. You are now his prison bitch.
To: Certain Leaders Of The World
From: Satan (The Enemy, The Great Adversary, etc)
Re: Sponsorship by Higher Powers
Once again it is my painful (heh heh) duty to clarify a few things:
-
As Leaders, you believed you were doing right, and the Higher Powers were on your side–and you sacrificed the lives and treasure of your Nations to this belief.
-
The other Leaders all believed and did the same thing.
-
You were all equally correct.
Enjoy your stay. I know I will.
To: Warden, City of Dis, 6th Circle.
From: Front Desk, Limbo.
Date: Two thousand and three years after the harrowing of Hell.
Seems we’ve had a pardon sitting here for a decade or so for a Galileo Galilei who’s been in one of your burning tombs since 1642. Have him cleaned up and sent to the front desk.
No hurry.
To: Miss Cleo
From: Satan
Re: Your stay here
You mean you didn’t see this coming?
To: All
From: Front Desk, Limbo
Please disregard Nell’s recent announcement on the approval of the “limboland” proposal. It was premature.
To: Jerry
From Nell
Why you dirty backstabber! You knew limboland hadn’t made it out of the infernal affairs committee–you set me up.
How low can you go?
To: ALL
From: The flatterers
Re: Pay cuts
If I can add to our great lord and master’s remarks,
Please remember that all of this is for your own good, we all need to make our quotas. Better to be paid less-than-nothing than to not have a job at all. You all should be considering yourselves lucky to be able to be working.
To: Pascal
From: Satan
Re: Feeling lucky?
Offer you double or quits on the tooth fairy?
To: Kenneth Rice, Bernie Ebbers etc.
From: Satan
Re: 8th level assignment as a falsifier
MESSAGE:
Yes, I know everyone did it. However falsifying your company’s earnings <i>does</i> qualify you for this level. Don’t worry, you won’t be lonely forever, in fact you’ll have lots of company soon enough.
Posted on the HMB (Hell Message Board) May 14, 2004.
NEWBIE
Banned
Posts: 1
Topic: Just a few questions.
How long is eternity?
What is the third english word ending in Gry?
Why do you park in the driveway and drive on a parkway?
SATAN
Moderator
Posts: 666,666,666,666,666,666,666
This is the 10 billionth time these questions have been asked. The next troll who asks will be sent straight to the Deep Lake Of Shit.
Regards,
Yer Pal Satan
TO: ALL CIRCLES
From: Limbo, Front Desk - Bonnie
FWD: RE: A NICE STORY
I loved this story and I thought you guys would like it too! Please don’t delete. If you scroll all the way to the end you get a wish!
<<<<<<Once there was a boy who was raised in the life of light. He worshipped Christ in a white church on a hill, where thousands of white people gathered to tithe ten percent of their earnings and cast away sin. That boy grew up and went to college and got straight A’s, joined the Military and served his country in a just war against a godless country.
But you know what? He got cancer anyway.>>>
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FELLOW SHADES!!!
XXXOOOO Bonnie
To: Sysyphus
From: Systems Administration
Subj: Scheduled Maintenance
Please be advised that your mountain will be down for
regularly scheduled maintenance on Friday, June 13 from
12:00AM-6:00AM while we upgrade your punishment
equipment to the new Boulder 2.03 (beta) release.
Please be sure to save all work before that time. Failure to
do so will condemn you to having to start over from the
beginning.
To: Front Desk, Limbo
From: Kurt Cobain
Re: Concert idea
MESSAGE: Hey I’d be willing to leave the 7th circle and give a free concert or something. I just need you to turn me back into a human so I can play again. These branches don’t work so well on guitar strings.
To: Beelzebub
From: Freddie Mercury
Re: That devil you promised
Dear Beelzebub,
I am sending this memo in relation to the devil you had promised to put aside for me. I went up to collect it at the desk in circle 4 but they didn’t seem to know anything about it.
As I have already informed a number of people that you had a devil put aside for me the lack of said devil is the cause of some embarassment.
I would be grateful if you could rectify this situation ASAP.
- FM
To: Management
From: Union
Subject: Your promises
You said in writing that we’d get better ventilation here in the factory when the majority stockholder became seriously refrigerated. He in now up to his knees in ice. A large and smoldering gentleman came to our offices and picked up a custom-made toboggan with matching mittens. Pay up.
From: Beezelbub
To: Freddy Mercury
Re: That devil you promised
I’d rather find you somebody to love.
Regards,
Beez
From: <IT_Support>
To: <All_Souls>
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2003 1:22 PM
Subject: Network issues
As part of our scheduled network maintenance, H:\permanentfiles has been removed. Users may have noticed by now that we had to ctrl-alt-del the whole network to do this, so some files that you have been working on for all eternity will have been irretrievably lost. Luckily this was only likely if they were over about 1.4Mb in size, or the latest software version.
Please re-boot your terminal and enter your (new!) password to continue your work.
Cheers,
IT Support
----- originaaaal messaaaaage -----
rom; <embezzler6043278>
to; <it-support>
sent; wedddddnesdddddaaaay, may 1 , 2003 12:56 pm
subject; re; network issues
sorry to aaaaaask, but whaaat haappeneddd to my importaaaant ile which i named ‘myile157896722381009576381278003975776221030336371080271892571193’/ 9thaat’s supposeddddddd to be aaaaaaa question mark0. i put it in h;\permaaaanentiles like you saaaaiddddd but i caaan’t aaccess thaaaaat oldddddder aaaanymore111 thaaaaanks, bob.
----- Original Message -----
From: <IT_Support>
To: <All_Souls>
Cc: <b.gates@microsoft.com
Sent: Monday, May 12, 2003 10:48 AM
Subject: Network issues
With the roll-out of our upgraded Satanic network, I am pleased to announce some new features which I’m sure will help increase the frequency and efficiency of computer-related torments:
-
The new ‘Continual Upgrade’ feature will ensure that everyone’s software is always the latest, untested version. Please be aware that upgrades will now happen approximately every five minutes and that old versions of your files will be deleted for security reasons.
-
The HellFireWall has been strengthened and now blocks most attachments and any non-spam emails with such keywords as ‘holy’, ‘redemption’, ‘delight’ and ‘the’. Spam is the only exception to this, and its occurrence has been increased by 200%. Users should note that www.straightdope.com now points to a cockroach porn site as an unforeseen result of these changes.
-
With close to an infinity of users (and plenty more to arrive, hopefully!) we need to conserve more disk space. File duplications will not be tolerated, as it’s putting a strain on our main server (the 286). As this includes backups, please be very careful deleting files!
-
The new ‘sticky’ keyboards have arrived and will be available soon. Despite the fact that there’s no ‘4’ or ‘f’ on them, and both the ‘Enter’ and the ‘Shift’ keys are wrongly labelled and are in fact ‘Delete’ keys, I’m sure they’ll be well received.
-
The file management procedure has been slightly altered. Please take time to read it. The main points are:
(i)All vital and impossible to replicate files should be stored on H:\permanentfiles.
(ii) All files should be between 1.5 and 1.52Mb in size.
(iii) All files should be named ‘MYFILE<number>’ where <number> is any random sixty digit number.
- Please remember to change your password HOURLY or you will be locked out of the system and then disembowelled. As a reminder, passwords must be a mixture of numbers, lower and upper case letters and arcane runic symbols; they should be between twenty two and twenty eight symbols in length and include the letter ‘F’.
Unfortunately, IT support will be temporarily reduced for the next twenty millennia as we continue our scheduled network maintenance. Thank you for your co-operation.
Cheers,
IT Support.
From: <Bat>
To: Meatloaf_Fan @ flamingpit.hell
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2003 1:26 PM
Subject: Out of Hell Auto-Reply
I will be briefly out of Hell until tomorrow and will ignore your message and make excuses for ‘missing it’ upon my return.
Cheers,
Bat.
Extn: 666
To: Guido da Montefeltro
From: Satan
Re: Fool me once…
Guido, it’s bad enough you shook your flames for Dante, who returned to the world of the living to report on your status, but c’mon! Some punk named Prufrock fooled you too! Yes, I recognize the irony in re: your status in the 8th Circle of Fraudulent Counselors, but this is getting embarrassing. Wise up, moron!