Facts…
Three kids, low income, no birth control. Stressed she missed period but then seemed happy she tested positive. ???
We work together, same shift. Everyone at work knew. We were even going to move in together.
One day she didn’t come to work and didn’t even tell me. She texts every morning but not that morning. Two hours later, after hearing from other people she called out sick, I text her. She says, call you later not feeling well.
Calls me three hours later says she miscarried and is sorry, didn’t sound upset. I see her after work. Her mom had cleaned her place. She said she woke up spotting and called her best friend, a gay guy, and he took her to the doctor. She had a d&c and said they offered an IUD and she said yes please. All this within five hours and not even texting me a word about it. Then said she’s sorry but we can try again when we have more money it wasn’t the right time anyway.
She became bitchy next two days. Cancelled our vacation, said she wanted to be with her kids instead and didn’t think we should spend anymore money. Then apologized after I left and realized I was upset. Then days later she tells me an apartment with a washer n dryer finally opened and it’s hers next month and we can still take our trip.
These were her reasons for not calling me to tell me anything -
I was working. She was trying to take care of herself. Didn’t know how to tell me. Didn’t think it would be a miscarriage. Told me after it was over so it doesn’t matter.
So most people are saying she got an abortion and/or that she doesn’t value me as a life partner and doesn’t trust me because she didn’t include me on anything until all said and done.
I have to say this was my gut reaction as well.
I’m trying to be supportive for either way it must be hard for her. But I can’t help think something is wrong with the relationship now. I can’t fully trust her about it and feel that she can’t fully trust me. I don’t know how to process this but feel talking about it will just insult her.
A lot depends on:
-how long you’ve been together as a committed couple - I’m guessing you aren’t married.
-who’s kids they are (hers alone? Hers and yours? yours alone?)
-how controlling you seem to be (unintentionally or otherwise)
-how private a person she tends to be.
Basically, if this is a new-ish relationship and she’s got 3 kids she’s raised more or less alone so far, then her default is to do what’s right for her and her kids without asking anyone else’s input or permission. If that’s the case, you guys could use some counselling.
You could try being open with her about your suspicions, just say someone else put this idea in your head and now it’s really irking you, not because you wouldn’t be supportive of an abortion, you would have completely understood, but because it means she doesn’t feel she can be honest with you about the most important issues of her life. See what she says?
Either an abortion or miscarriage is very stressful. I’d cut her some slack and take it easy for a few weeks. I totally understand why you want to figure out where you stand, but I think that’s a conversation better suited for down the road. For now, just show her you care. Things might be clearer in a few weeks, and if not, you can bring it up with her then.
Honestly, most of what you write, in terms of her emotional response, etc., doesn’t sound inconsistent with it being a miscarriage (as a woman who has had a miscarriage under extremely different circumstances but where my story would have been pretty much the same if I’d had an abortion, and I do wonder if people thought I had – and I’ve talked since to many other women who had miscarriages under a wide range of circumstances) – people can react very differently, and have different levels of wanting to talk about it, especially if this was a fairly early loss. Except that it does seem weird to me that she would just be able to go to the doctor and get a D&C immediately (my understanding, at least in the US, was that you’d either have to schedule it at least a day in advance with a hospital, or if you were already in the middle of a miscarriage you could go to the ER and they’d watch you).
But that’s not the point… the point is that you don’t trust her to have trusted you, and maybe she didn’t trust you, and you feel like that level of trust (on both your sides) should be present in your relationship. And it sounds like you would have been supportive either way… but maybe she didn’t know that, or has trust issues in her past? So yeah, I agree totally with elbows that this is the part you need to address, and I like his way of putting it because it puts the emphasis on talking about that rather than about whether or not she did get an abortion (which isn’t, I think, the troublesome thing here).
(And also I agree with Troutman, who posted after I started writing this, that it might not be a bad idea to give her some time first. Either way it’s got to have been stressful. Maybe she might even talk about it on her own if you give her a bit of space. I know I didn’t want to talk about my miscarriage to anyone – even my husband – for a while, even though it didn’t really make rational sense not to, and most women in my situation I think would have.)
I do think it’s a little peculiar that she went from spotting to a D&C inside of 5 hours; in my experience, doctors are more likely to let them take their natural course than to jump straight to the D&C- that’s kind of a last resort for a miscarriage from what I understand.
this happened four weeks ago and I’m going to talk to her about it. I have a feeling she’s going to breakup over this. another thing I found suspicious was she texted DNC instead of d&c, like someone told her to say that’s what she had and she didn’t even know what it was.
Miscarriages happen…(there’s a recent thread about them somewhere on here). Your suspicions don’t seem grounded. The DNC vs. D&C is nothing. Women go through all kinds of emotions when they lose a pregnancy. Enough that you need to be extremely understanding if you care about her.
Also have you considered that just because she got pregnant, and then lost it, doesn’t mean that she’s made any type of decision about you being a long term partner? You’re acting like she’s filing for divorce. Your are just dating.
ETA: maybe you both should be more careful about birth control…three unplanned kids and a potential another isn’t the best life plan
well here’s the problem. if you Google how to hide an abortion, women say to do exactly what she did. wait until he’s working, have someone take you, then tell him when it’s over and say you woke up spotting and didn’t want to worry him.
so you can say my suspicions aren’t grounded all you want, but then tell me how WOULD my suspicions be grounded? do you have an answer???
anyways already said that the issue is about her not trusting me to handle things with her. I just don’t buy into this not wanting to worry me excuse. She left me worrying anyway by not showing up to work and not telling me anything. She made a decision to not tell me anything. that’s the problem. I could care less if it was an abortion. I don’t really think she did but it is still suspicious and it bothers me.
I’m not your girlfriend, but if I was and had an abortion, you wouldn’t have heard I was pregnant until I no longer was. Or maybe you’d never know. So, if you only found out she miscarried after the fact, that would be suspicious, imho. The fact that a. she told you she was pregnant before the pregnancy ended and b. seemed happy about it make me more inclined to believe she’s just having trouble coping with the loss emotionally than she did anything to end her pregnancy intentionally.
Is abortion a deal-breaker for you under your beliefs? If not, then quit worry about whether it was an abortion or miscarriage. You say her trust of you is the issue, but your actions and posts here show you are focused on figuring out what really happened. Just let that go - no matter what the true story is, you’re in the same place with her: she didn’t fully trust you to let you in to what was happening.
You didn’t say how long you were together before this happened, but not telling you right away doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t see you as a life partner. That kind of trust can take a long time to develop, and she might be working toward that with you but not quite there yet.
When you talk to her, I think you should just drop the whole abortion question. It will put her on the defensive either way. Tell her you’re hurt she didn’t share this with you when it was happening, and ask if she sees herself getting to the point with you eventually where she would turn to you for support instead of her friend. That’s the answer you really want.
That would be me. I had a D&C last week. FWIW they knew my baby was dead and I still had to wait a week to get in for the procedure.
That doesn’t rule out an emergency D&C, I guess, but it doesn’t sound like she had an emergency to report.
I have learned a huge amount of things about miscarriage over the past two weeks. For one thing, it’s hardly a rare event - it happens in 1 in 5 pregnancies, most of which are during the first trimester. So it’s completely and totally plausible that she miscarried.
As for the emotional bit… Survey says, people react in all kinds of ways depending on the life circumstances of the people involved. My WAG is your girlfriend is feeling a lot of mixed emotions, one of which is sadness and another of which is relief, and she doesn’t know how to express herself. Whether she miscarried or aborted, what she needs the most from you is compassion.
You seem to know she doesn’t trust you. I think what you’re asking for here is conclusive proof that she lied, and even the most informed of us internet goons have no fucking idea.
My opinion is that people should mind their own business.
But since you asked - miscarriages are actually common. Something like ONE THIRD of conceptions end in miscarriage. In the old days many women never even realized they were pregnant if the miscarriage was very early, but with over the counter pregnancy tests many people find out they’re pregnant very, very early on - and are thus aware of miscarriages that in prior generations would have been dismissed as a very late or skipped period.
Most likely, it really was a miscarriage.
As for the mood changes - when a woman miscarries all the hormonal changes that start with pregnancy reverse, and on top of that there may be grieving for the child that will never come to be. In other words, moodiness post-miscarriage is normal.
You could bring this up as “there is this rumor at work that you had an abortion, I know it upsets me, I assume it upsets you, have you heard it and do you want to discuss it?” That lets her know there is, in fact, such a rumor and leaves the ball back in her court. It’s not accusing her of anything, but it is opening the door to further discussion.
I think it’s impossible for any of us to reach a conclusion over whether she had an abortion or a miscarriage, based solely on the information we have. What does seem apparent, though, is that neither of you fully trusts the other. Whatever the truth of the matter is, though, she’s got to be a bit of an emotional mess right now and you bringing up your suspicions is going to cause her a world of hurt.
Also, you don’t mention your thoughts on having a baby with her, and your feelings about the loss of the pregnancy. I mention this because if you’re serious about making this relationship work, you need to display some empathy here. Let her know you’re there for her and that you understand.
I had a miscarriage once, very early in a pregnancy. My fiance at the time acted like it was no big deal. I don’t know if he was trying to be strong for me, or if he honestly wasn’t affected, but either way, it led to the ending of our relationship. I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t be as devastated by the loss as I was.
If a woman was having a miscarriage, wouldn’t you want your S/O to know?
If you still have doubts and suspicions down the road and the time is right, why don’t you ask to see the discharge papers from the hospital? Somehow work that into conversation.
This is what I need to see unfortunately. I can’t ask for that. Nobody should feel they have to prove they didn’t have an abortion.
So for all here thinking the issue is whether she had an abortion - it only matters to the extent that I don’t want the lie to ruin the relationship. My concern is that if she did then she will just feel bad and want to get away from me.
I’m very upset about the loss of the child but I feel like I can’t express this to her. She. doesn’t want to talk about it. I thought we’d be there for each other but instead b it’s more like I’ve been excluded and muted to an extent. Now this has become an issue instead of dealing with the loss.
I’m actually offended by this really. I feel like I’m the one with empathy and it’s coming across like I don’t have any. She’s been rude to me. It’s not just about her because she carried the child. Why is it that thewoman can just do whatever and the guy is supposed to be there to deal with it like a punching bag… yes dear take your misery out on me that’s how I support you lol
I don’t think it’s that or that we’re telling you have to “take it”.
We are saying that we don’t know what happened; that a very high percentage of pregnancies do end in miscarriages; that the loss of a child can be very stressful.
My two cents - don’t get your facts on what happened from the rumor mill. You can in fact get an emergency D&C same day. It happened to a friend who had bleeding issues.
Loss of a child is really, really hard on a relationship. Give yourself a break. It’s ok to mourn for your child. I’m sorry and my condolences on your loss. Many of us have been in your spot. It sucks.
Give her a break too. She may not know what to do. Re-arranging the “nest” is one way people cope (so, making a new place to have a home, like finding the new apartment). It sounds like she does want a future with you and she is making plans that include you.
You should talk to her. Try to focus on feelings, rather than blame, if that makes sense. For example, “I was sorry (and still am very sad) about losing the baby. Sometimes I’d like to talk to you about that - would that be ok?” “Or, it’s important to me that you know you can always call me, no matter what - if you’re ever sick again - please call me. I don’t ever want you sick or in pain without me again. OK?”
