I got divorced about a year and a half ago. I had moved to Texas after college and lived there for about 15 years, but I grew tired of the hot Texas summers and only stayed there because my ex was a native Texan. The day after my divorce, I packed up and moved 800 miles away to take a job in a place I had never visited and where I didn’t know anybody. I thought I would like it because it was a pretty city next to the mountains but I didn’t realize how different dating and meeting people in general would be from when I was single 15 years before. The city was fairly small and there was no social life to speak of for a middle-aged man like myself so all I did was watch TV and go hiking in the mountains. After 6 months I couldn’t handle the loneliness anymore so I shopped around for another job, this time looking for a more social location and eventually choose one in New York City. I packed up everything I owned again (a car, pickup and house full of furniture) and settled in New Jersey across the Hudson from NYC. But things turned out pretty much the same again, except hiking in the mountains was replaced with sightseeing in Manhattan. And to further sour the situation, I did poorly at my job for the first time in my career. I hated the job and found I was unable to improve my work situation so after about 6 months I quit and took another job. But this job fared no better. Maybe it was the luck of the draw or maybe my attitude was responsible but I ended up getting fired from this job in early June.
Unemployed with no friends, no social activities and a life consisting pretty much of watching TV, I decided to make a big change again. This time I moved (everything again) to Fort Lauderdale where I have a good college friend I have maintained ties with over the years. I got down here about 3 weeks ago putting everything in storage and after spending about a week staying with him while his family was away I settled into an extended stay hotel. But unlike my other moves I didn’t have a job lined up before I moved. I did contact a lot of companies before I got here and I have interviewed with a half dozen companies already and have more interviews in the works, but I still haven’t been offered a job, so I am starting to panic. And my panic is extending past merely doubting whether I will get a job. It is extending to doubting I will ever make a friend or enjoy life again. The logical part of my mind tells me my choices should pan out but my emotions say I have been wrong twice in a row now and any number of unknown factors could sabotage the whole process. I can’t shake the fear I won’t get a job, that I will end up spending all my money just to live, go deep into debt and die an unmourned nameless face.
How do you restore confidence in yourself and the choices you make when seemingly good choices go so horribly awry?
Well, success breeds success. A good success to start with is a new job. You will get a job and you have to believe that.
You can have the other things you expect and deserve in life and you have to believe that. You also have to work for those things. Throw out the TV.
If you’re nervous about job interviews, there’s plenty of good advice on recent threads, or perhaps you can give some more detail here of the types of things you’re interviewing for and what you think might be a problem.
Wanderer, in many ways I know how you feel. After a bad situation in my former home town, I up and moved to the DC area with no friends, no job and barely any money (I was lucky to have my father around for financial help). The first couple of months out here I was depressed, didn’t like my job and thought I would never find friends again.
I was lucky. I started hanging out at a coffee shop and ended up sitting and talking with this guy for hours. He started introducing me around and 3 years later I couldn’t imagine moving back.
Confidence has to come from with in. The best advise I can give you is to start doing things you like, get enrolled in classes (college or special interests) and you will find friends. The job will come.
I know it is hard, but don’t second guess yourself. Things may start out bad, but that does not mean you made the wrong choice, it just means that change isn’t easy. You will meet people, you will get a job and if you want to, you will be happy again.
I wish you the best of luck and if you need to talk to someone that has been in a similar situation let me know.
First off, I have to say that I have admiration for anyone who has the guts to move to a strange town with a new job and live in a city full of unknown people. I would have to do some serious psyching up on myself in order to do the same.
You’ve come from various experiences that have left you feeling like a failure- your divorce, your losing your jobs, etc. It’s only natural you’re going to feel like you’re a failure at everything. You’re not.
Confidence rebuilding is a very gradual process. Start by recognizing the little accomplishments you make as time goes by- maybe you congratulate yourself for getting really familiar with the new town, or maybe you made a good impression at a job interview, or maybe you made some new friends. I think in time you won’t feel so down on yourself. Things haven’t been going well for you lately, but they soon will, and you’ll feel more stable and sure of yourself. Give it time. Good luck to you.
