Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2 (SPOILERS)

Cafe Society
1

I…I don’t even know what to say. I went into this movie with no expectation. No, seriously, NO expectations. Less than no expectation - I was prepared for two hours of face palming agony. And yet, something strange happened. Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2 did the impossible - it shattered my non-existant hopes. I don’t think I have ever been more disappointed by a movie I didn’t want to see.

I honestly gave this movie a chance, and, for a while, it wasn’t bad. By Twilight standards, it was actually pretty good (in the sense that a yeast infection is good when you compare it to contracting gonorrhea), but in the last act…magic happens. Twilight manages to deliver the only good scene of the saga, and for ten or fifteen minutes, it is glorious.

Unlike in the book, the show down between the Volturi and the Cullen Clan and friends actually happens, and characters die. Carlisle attacks in a fit of rage and is promptly decapitated. Jasper’s head is ripped off while Alice screams. Seth and Leah (I think, it’s hard to tell with the wolves) are killed. Alice drags Jane to a wolf, who rips her head off with his jaws. It’s sadly bloodless, and the effects are lousy, but by the time Edward and Bella are fighting Aro, I was goddamn into it. I’m not saying it was a great battle scene, I’m saying that I was applauding the Twilight series for finally growing a pair and giving us some stakes! It was really entertaining.

And then the movie took it all away.

None of it happened. Turns out, Alice is showing Aro, the head Volturi what would happen if he attacked. So, the Volturi retreat, no one dies, the film shows with all the characters making out, I gag, movie over.

I hate this series. I hated it before, but I hate it even more now because it actually managed to suck me in before giving me one, giant FUCK YOU middle finger. I’m glad its over, and I never have to watch another one again (at least, not until the rifftrax comes out).

2

Serious question: what (or who) made you watch it in the first place?

3

I just got back, and I liked it. I judged it for what is was, and it was good. Especially the twist at the end - a good one, and no one saw it coming.

I did have a problem with the special effects - using the girl actor’s features on the baby and on the grown girl was creepy, uncanny valley stuff. It could have been done so much better, especially since they’re to make eleventy billion dollars on this. And the make up was awful on the vampires - haven’t they ever heard of blending into the neck area. All of the actors were walking around with that terrible pasty makeup on their faces, and then have a normal shaded neck. And the plastic surgery on the other vampire “family members” was out of control. Just ugly.

Also the music was really bad.

But, I liked it.

4

I’m not usually one for seeing a movie ironically, but the Twilight series has been an exception. My sister and I go for the ‘so bad it’s funny’ element, which is actually pretty great when you’ve got a crowd of hooting 14 year olds around you, thought I mostly go for her. She, too, thinks Twilight is terrible, but for someone who hates it, she gets so damn gleeful about it.

5

I did have a problem with the special effects -
I just got back from the movie and I do have to agree, as much as this movie is making and as much as they spent on special effects they could not do a better job than that. The baby was creepy.
http://thecelebritycafe.com/feature/2012/11/kellan-lutz-defends-twilight-against-peta-complaints

6

It was ridiculous and cracktastic, but entertaining, amusing, moderately self aware, and occasionally moving.

I think Twilight fans should call themselves “Twinkies”.