Mrs Lizardo and I have twins, now about 2 1/2, and in the early days we had lots of people, including total strangers, ask if we used fertility drugs. About the only snappy comeback I could think of was: “Does tequila count?” Its an awfully nosy question; how common is it? What’s a good response?
back at ya!
ask them “what do you think?” They may pause to think about it and realize it is none of their business.
Well, there’s the Miss Manners-approved reply: “Why on earth would you ask that?”
There’s also the related “I’ll forgive you for asking such a personal question if you’ll forgive me for not answering it.”
It is nosy, but it really doesn’t bother me – people are just curious. I have read that one reason for the increase in twin births is the use of fertility drugs, so the question isn’t completely out of left field.
One guy told me the other day that his wife really wanted twins, so he was “doing his best” (he gave it sort of a macho harrumph). I had to laugh, I am the reason for our fraternal twins; evidently I was dropping eggs like the Easter Bunny.
Good luck w/that 2.5 stage – mine are 2 10/12 now. Wooo doggies, that was a hairy couple of months right there. I’ve been reading Barbara Ames’ books lately, they’re a huge help.
Slight hijack - I’ve read that there are playgroups (not TTC, but kid’s-already-here) that distinguish between assisted pregnancy & non-assisted pregnancy twins.
Now THAT is ghastly.
I just point out that my wife is a twin, also. And that two of her cousins are twins. People naturally assume we did not use fertility drugs, when of course, we could have. But, they stop asking.
Mine will be 17 soon. They get easier, but there are always issues. It starts with not being able hand clothes or car seats down, and goes on to trying to find some way to leave two cars at the driving class, and still drive home. (I proposed bigamy, but my wife wasn’t much for the idea.)
What? What does that even mean? Like the fertility-drug kids aren’t alllowed into the same playgroup as the non-assisted kids? I don’t even understand!
I’m another to vote for the Miss Manners route, but then I don’t have twins, so I don’t count. And usually when I’m asked a nosy question, I’m too surprised to have a comeback (I’m so bad at that, it’s very sad, for me anyway).
I have heard that too. In addition, it is my understanding that as women age, their bodies tend to release more than one egg per cycle, in order to increase the chances of reproducing. This, coupled with the fact that many women are waiting until they are older to have children, accounts for some of the increase in twin births too.
Yep. Someone posted that they were rejected from a twin playgroup b/c they’d used fertility drugs. Probably did the mom a favor anyway, since those people had to have been cuckoo for cocoa-puffs.
Mr. Lizardo, I think it is a very common question. A lot of twin moms online post that people ask if their kids are “natural”, which is of course quite offensive. My Mom reports that people often ask her if we used drugs, when she tells them about her twin grandchildren.
I can’t imagine what difference it makes one way or another.
Actually, that’s not true — I do worry about fertility drug moms experiencing extra guilt on those days when they’re fighting the urge to send the buggers back. I figure if you had to expend a lot of time and energy to have kids, it’d be awful hard to admit that, on some days, you’d kinda like a refund.
I have one adopted and one bio - not twins - but the adoption brings up all sorts of “out of left field” questions.
There are three ways to deal with it.
The first is to not answer or give a non-answer. “My, that’s a personal question.” In some way that politely lets people know they are being rude.
The second is to just answer it.
The third to to say “why do you ask?” I’ve been fond of the “why do you ask” approach and usually the answer isn’t "idle curiosity. In my case they are asking because they know someone who recently adopted or are thinking about adopting themselves. They are trying to work something out in their brains. In your case, the question could be coming from a lot of people starting down the fertility treatment path, that want to talk to others who have done it - even complete strangers. So they say “did you take fertility drugs” because if you answer “yes” they’ll ask you how long, or who your doctor was, or did you do IVF.
Sometimes, they are just curious bozos - and when you say “why do you ask?” they say something about making conversaion or mumble mumble mumble. Then you say “we really find that to be a personal question.”
Note that the level of questions went down significantly shortly after the cute toddler stage. Don’t know if they will with yours, but it seemed once people looked at my kids and caught onto the “they know what we are talking about” the questions in the grocery store stopped - around three years old, I’d say - maybe a little later.
I would just reply with something inappropriate that will make them equally embarassed. Maybe something along the lines of, “No, my husband just has the most miraclous penis, would you like to see the pictures?”
I don’t see what’s offensive about it. It’s a perfectly innocent inquiry. Along the same lines of “so did you do natural childbirth or drug-assisted?” It’s conversation.
That reminds me of a news story from awhile back. A lady in Holland ended up with twins of different races after a mix up in the fertility clinic. One of her eggs was fertilized by her husband and the other by another guy (who happened to be black), who’d came in for the procedure with his wife. So the boys are biologically half brothers through their mom. The woman tried to sign her kids up to participate in some kind of worldwide twin day gathering, but they were denied because they weren’t *really * twins in the organizer’s opinion.
There was a woman in England, I think, who ended up with kids of different races “the old fashioned way.”
The difference is that while childbirth is usually and traditionally done in semi-public, with medical personnel around. In the past (and even today in various cultures) it was done with a midwife or the assistance of female family members. It is even occasionally done in real public, if the mom-to-be can’t make it to the hospital on time.
Conception is still usually done in private.
If you really want to snap back, how about:
“Did your mother take stupidity drugs?”
There’s no need to be mean. I’ve found most of the time I get asked, it is because the asker is considering fertility treatment, or has a close friend or relative considering it, and they want to know more about it. The other big group are those that are like Kalhoun that don’t see anything offensive or personal about the question, especially those old enough to talk about their prostate problems and such.
Kalhoun, there are many reasons some couples find the question offensive or personal. Some people just don’t like to talk about anything medical to do with themselves. Others see needing to resort to fertility treatment as an admission of failure or being defective.
Actually, more multiples are conceived in “public” than in private. But we’re not asking about the sex act (or lack thereof). We’re asking about the conception; a scientific inquiry, if you will. Two different things. I just don’t see how it would be any more personal than asking if they’re fraternal or identical. No one’s asking if you’re a screamer or how many orgasms it took to conceive.
Being prescribed fertility drugs is not a public conception. In vitro fertilization followed by implantation could be considered as such, I suppose. I still think it is a much more personal question than asking about the birth. If you know the parent(s), and you make it clear that you are making a “scientific inquiry,” I think it is marginally OK. If you are a stranger on the street, IMO you’re being an impertinent busybody.
As it happens my older stepchildren (now age 22) are fraternal twins (male/female). I just called Mr. Cee and asked him if anyone had ever asked if they were the result of fertility drugs. He said no one ever had asked him. Before I told him what this thread was about, he volunteered that he would have found it rude if they did. I admit I am a very reserved person, who finds a lot of questions too personal (asking what kinds of medications I might be taking/have taken, no matter what they are for, is my idea of too personal.) My husband, however, is very open and forthcoming. So if he finds a question rude, as far as I am concerned, it probably is.
Even then, very marginally, and I’d hardly call asking intrusive questions “scientific inquiry.” There are other sources for information about fertility drugs (library, the Internet, you own doctor) besides asking people personal questions whose answers are none of your business. If you want personal stories, there are probably lots of forums like this one where you can ask such a question and let people choose to answer it (likely anonymously, as here) rather than dropping a bomb on someone who may or may not want to discuss it with you. There are reasons for HIPAA; this is a private matter. (Not saying that HIPAA applies here, just that it demonstrates that people don’t want their medical info all over the place.) The fact of the child’s birth is public and that is all.
I have close friends who have adopted an older child out of less-than-ideal situations. That’s the extent of what I know about the matter, and I’m not about to go asking them whether the child had been abused, are his birth parents dead or drug dealers or what, does he talk about his previous life at all, or whatever just to “make conversation.” It’s none of my business. If they choose to volunteer this information, that’s their choice, but it would be incredibly rude of me to ask. All that matters is that he has new parents and they are all very happy about it.