TWMD's story about Pure Evil (long)

I suppose when one mentions an experience about Pure Evil (like I did in this thread), one had better follow it up with a compelling tale. Here’s my effort to put it into words.
BACKGROUND (Not necessary to the full story):

In my teenage years, I probably had a larger than average interest in the occult, philosophy, religion, arcana, and other assorted things geeky kids get into before they try drugs and get laid. I contribute no small amount of it as reaction to a strict Catholic upbringing, including parochial school. At the time this dream occured, I was 24 and pretty well adjusted and absolutely past most of these diversions, save a lingering scholarly interest, but nothing more. Pretty much a confirmed agnostic, religion hasn’t played a role in my life since I was 18.

I was attending Penn State, staying in a West Hall dorm room I shared with my roommate Robin, when I drempt the following. I had done no drugs harder than pot for 3 years and rarely drank, and took no medication whatsoever. I still don’t know what triggered it.

THE STORY:

I’m in the heartland of America. Kansas, or another flaaaaat state. I can see for miles all around me, it seems. There’s a major storm rolling in in front of me, black as a bruise, and the wind is whipping the tall grass I’m standing in, audible and unsettling.

There’s a white one-room church in front of me, in need of a fresh coat of paint. No parking lot, no driveway. It looks like it was abandoned years ago, if not for being only slightly run down. The white contrasts vividly with the storm clouds behind it. There’s no visible denomination besides the cross at the top of the steeple, and no signs.

I walk into the church. Its one large room with traditional wooden pews. Stained glass windows - just blocks of color, no religious symbolism - line both walls. There is a cross at the front, but not a Crucifix, which is odd considering I was raised Catholic.

The back-left hand corner of the church is completely different from the rest of the room. It’s been walled off with painted concrete blocks. There are large observational windows in these walls, and I can see men in white lab coats attending to banks of computer panels, whirring tape, making notes on clipboards.

One technician looks out, sees me, and nods. I nod back, and move to the beginning of the aisle. I stand dead center, spread my legs slightly like I’m trying to brace myself, tilt my head downwards, close my eyes…

DISCLAIMER, AND AN APOLOGY

OK. No matter how cheesy this is going to come out after all this buildup, I have to stress something.

What I’m going to attempt to describe was the most fucking intense feeling I have ever felt - awake or dreaming - in my entire life.

In no situation or dream have I ever been swept away like this. No feeling of love, terror, or panic I had experienced up until this moment held a candle. I know I won’t be able to describe it in every nuance to convey this, so I just wanted to make it clear at the outset - this was the defining moment of hopelessness and fear in my life.

As I tilted my head down, I felt what I imagine was my third eye open. I felt the center of my forehead opening, expanding, and something was starting to pass into my brain.

There were no visuals now, only black, and this increasing rush of pressure, of presence - I realized it was a presense in some sense - flowing into my skull and seemingly into my mind. It kept coming, and growing, and expanding, and rushing faster until it felt like a hurricane force. I was conducting something, I was channelling it.

Except as it grew stronger, I suddenly knew it wasn’t an it at all - it was Pure Evil, capitals definately warranted. Not a threat, not a spirit or ghoul or wee beastie or Satan. It wasn’t the Great Old Ones or the cold light of a million billion stars. It was the antithesis, the opposite side of the coin of everything that humanity knows. I would have run crying into the arms of pitching, yawning, gibbering insanity if I was given a choice. I would call it alien, except that the foundation of our reality existed as a counterballance to this.

It was quiet, sane, rational, calculating, compelling, complete and utter Pure Evil. It wasn’t a theory, or a philosophy, or a personification or a symbol or a school of thought. If anything, it was a mathmatical equation - unarguable, proven, rock solid, a foundation, a cornerstone. It was perfect, and it was nihlist, and it would negate me entirely.

It was beyond a head trip, a mind fuck, and far, far beyond anything I knew that I had within me to imagine. As one would be in fear for their life as they drown miles from shore, I was in fear for my immortal soul, and that is something that I had never felt before. And it was rushing through my skull at a thousand miles and hour, and wasn’t going to stop…

I screamed and woke up. I couldn’t open my eyes. I could still hear rushing noises. I could not go back to that experience, and I knew I would if I couldn’t wake up fully. I couldn’t move my arms. I wimpered and tried to fling my sleeping body back and forth. I managed to rock back and forth until I got enough momentum to roll out of bed. I crawled on the ground over to Robin’s bed, convinced if I could wake her up she could help me…

And then I woke up. I was still in my bed. I couldn’t move. I was dreaming the last few minutes of getting out of bed. I forced my hands to my eyes and pried them open, and fell to my knees out of bed with the intent of waking up Robin…

And then I woke up. I’m starting to panic, very badly.

I go through the scenario again. And yet again.

I falsely awoke 5 times in total before I finally did wake up for real. I slapped my face, pinched myself about twenty times, and grabbed my smokes and my jacket. I went out into the hall, still convinced that I was asleep. I was looking everywhere for creeping blackness, for surreal images, anything.

I sat on the front steps of West Hall smoking until the sun came up.

You are one spooky chick.

Yikes. Definaltely not a cheesy payoff to all the buildup. I’m pretty glad it’s still early here, so I have all day to forget I read this.
(This might be off-topic, but have you read the Sandman comics? The end of your dream sounds a lot like something that happens in the first issue, The Lord of Dreams punishes someone by giving him a dream he can’t wake up from, and the dream is that he keeps waking up, over and over, to bizarre and hideous things, then wakes up again and gets a moment’s relief before finding himself in a world worse than the one he thought he woke from, and then waking up again…

Question number one: Do you think it was Pure Evil or merely your imaginings?

Question number two: What do you study?
It sounds like the whole church, cross, Good, Evil thing has come from your religious upbringing and your development of your own belief structure. I’m not saying that what you saw was wholly :eek: , like cranking up 1000 on the Richter scale of wiggyness. But what you described sounds more like some mental, conscious, subconscious overload. Your brain is suddenly making or getting signals that make no sense, your senses are being activated and recording sensations that not only make no sense in a unconscious state but sensations that have never been recorded before. The sensations are alien, and becuase your conscious or subconscious is out of control, you interpret it as a threat hence it is evil. Because the sensation is new you have no way to compare it to anything else so it appears opposite to everything and for that same reason it is the only one of its kind, i.e Pure Evil.

Does any of that make any sense? Because even I’m confused.
Anyway the whole waking up only to be dreaming has happened to me a few times. Sometimes it has been a sign of exhaustion, my being tired means every time I try to jump “up” into consciousness I can’t reach it and fall back down. Or in your case it could simply be that your brain was so confused that trying to wake up would be like spinning in a circle for 10 minutes then trying to find the door. In any of these cases whenever returning to consciousness fails, you are shifted to a new locale, like when you wake up and try to go back to sleep but can’t dream the same dream again. Now sometimes we subconsciously create a scenario that becomes more comfortable so that the passage into consciousness is easier. So we dream of waking up in our own bed walking around a familiar area. I had quite a few dreams where I’ve got of bed and walked downstairs only to repeat it over and over again.
As for why you would have a brain schizm that would enable you to be engulf with sensations that would normally be indicative of Pure Evil…it could be anything. The human body is a very complicated system, and very delicate as well. A very unlikely chain of events (like 1 in a googol) could cause a chemical imbalance which is only made more likely by putting chemicals into our own bodies, i.e cigarettes but it could be just the right combination of food and drink.
Do you understand that? I hope so becuase it took me ages to write.

Holy crap on a stick, that’s totally messed up. I want to have a Pure Evil experience, darn it!

Heh, I had a terribly shocking moment in a dream, once.

My dreams tend to be very lucid, and I usually find myself with a great deal of control over myself and my surroundings. Dozens of very vivid, epic dreams, where I have the ability to fly, or turn invisible, or walk through walls, all abilities I’ve used in dreamy battles against demons, zombies, or even demon zombies.

Once, I was dreaming that I was investigating a massive church building (I was “looking for something”, whatever that something was). Inside, I found a large, candle-lit, cult-like gathering with weird sigils on the walls, markings in blood, etc. I was using my Dream Powers to stay inside the walls (like playing a first-person shooter with No Clipping turned on) to watch stuff. I watched a low-level henchman speaking with a high level priest for about five minutes…

… At that point, the priest turned right towards me - inside the wall, where he shouldn’t be able to see me - and said, “You think you’re so smart, don’t you?”

I got the fuck out of there REALLY quick.

I do believe I’d like that as my sig line…if ya don’t mind, that is :cool:
Jenny Haniver: I’ve read all the Sandman issues…except, oddly enough, for the first story arc you’re speaking of, although I did read the synopsis in the guide that was published (I forget the name of the book now…). They’ve been a favorite of mine since I was 15 :slight_smile:

I doubt it was honest-to-god Pure Evil, like some sort of vision/visitation scenario. Mainly because I’m generally a pretty mundane person overall and Pure Evil probably has much more suitable people on its list to make a personal visit to. I hope.

The mind can play some pretty powerful tricks. A lifelong friend has dealt with various mental problems over the years, including extremely vivid hallucinations that would have driven some people batshit. I know that when your mind goes haywire, an intellegent person can end up cowering in the bathroom screaming - that’s nothing to argue with.

I think the real terror to me, even when it was happening, was that no matter how truly alien and horrible it felt, I knew it was coming from me, my mind was creating something that every fiber of my being felt was wrong. How do you stop something from happening to you when your own mind is creating it against your will?

Computer Science, and now I work as a web designer and graphic artist. (What a letdown, right?) Although for many years I had planned on majoring in Criminal Psychology.

Whatever strange conflux of body chemestry and dining hall food I had goin’ on that night, let me tell ya, I hope it was a once-in-a-lifetime chance…

I agree with your rationalization, BTW, and I appreciate the time it took to write that all down :wink:

Combine 2 parts Catholic guilt, 15 parts horror fangirl childhood, 3 parts freaky formative experiences, let simmer for a few years, and voila…your subconscious will burp up Pure Evil some night when you least expect it! :smiley:

Well that may explain the lab guys etc.

[Homer]
MMMM…Catholic Guilt…
[/Homer]

Not at all, in fact I’d be honored. And of course, I meant it in the nicest possible way. :slight_smile:

I think its a succinct overview of my personality to say that to me, there is no way to not take that statement as a complement.

“Nice”? Eh. “Cool”? Overdone. “Funky”? I wish. But “spooky”? That’s an intriguing complement! :smiley:

And of course, I forget to check the damn sig line box… :smack: