Two annoying character flaws, wondering how to fix them

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hey guys,

I am noticing two character flaws of mine that are having a negative impact on my life.

Firstly I seem to go from really high to really low in terms of attitude. One day I might view my job as a first job after college that is giving me experience, money (while not a ton), and a chance to learn in the real world. The next day I might be almost physically sick with negativity thinking my job is pathetic, I make little money, and it might not be what I love to do long-term.

I just can’t seem to keep myself balanced in terms of emotions. It’s weird I might get a call from a job recruiter, or my significant other might say something great one day and as a result I am super euphoric, but the next day I just am defeated by small complications-even if it’s the same subject. I can’t seem to keep my mind focused on the good.

The second issue I have is I tend to compare myself too much to people in my life. I keep comparing my girlfriend’s job, salary, etc and feeling inferior if it’s not better or if a friend is doing something I view as more in tune with their passions, etc. I just am constantly comparing myself to others and making myself feel like crap to be honest :slight_smile:

Anyone ever run into these two issues? I just want to keep a level head and get better at maintaining a realistic view in life rather than a roller-coaster of emotions and a constant need to compare myself to others.

Thanks guys!

2

I’m no pshrink, but my wife is bipolar (and then some), and the first part of your post sounds like that is a possibility–don’t take my word for it, though, and don’t do a whole lot of online research (for fear of self-diagnosis…always a bad idea). Check out therapy. Nothing wrong with it, even well-balanced people (I’m not saying you aren’t one) can benefit from an occasional mental tune-up.
The second part actually sounds a bit like an aspect of depression to me.

Question:
Do you notice that you’re comparing yourself to people more when you are in a “down” state of mind? Or is it all the time?

*Disclaimer: I am of the opinion that being diagnosed with something psychological should be no more stigmatized than something physical. It’s chemistry, and not “dumb choices,” no matter what Tom Cruise says.

3

Swampwolf is right. Bipolar or Manic-Depressive disorder is characterized by extreme highs and lows. There are safe treatments for it, but you need an expert to determine if in fact that’s what you are suffering from. I know bipolar people who don’t do anything about it and let the world suffer along with them. You at least are interested in understanding why you have these feelings. Speak with a medical professional and they can help you figure out what may be going on.

4

I’m skeptical about jumping into the ‘‘bipolar’’ theory. I’m not a shrink either, but what you’re describing sounds like emotional lability, which just means your mood swings are really sensitive to events that happen. Bipolar, as far as I grasp, is a total chemical shift that runs in cycles. I mean, it’s sort of hard to draw out the distinction here, but it’s the difference between,

Bipolar: Major chemical shift. Suddenly I am really hyper and optimistic and grandiose and even potentially self-destructive about everything! I feel invincible! So what if I got a bad review at work? They didn’t know what they were talking about. I’ll improve, in fact, I’ve got this AMAZING idea I better get started on it right away…

Emotionally labile: Wow, I just got a bad review at work, I feel awful! Obviously I’m not worth anything and nobody likes me. I’ll never succeed at any job I’ll ever attempt. Jesus, I might as well kill myself. (5 minutes later) Wow, that woman on the street just paid me a major compliment! Maybe things aren’t going to be so bad after all!

I guess, if my point isn’t clear, with Bipolar the mood shifts wouldn’t appear to be as connected to events (though I’d bet some events could trigger a mood shift.)

I think with emotional lability the major distortion is Overgeneralization, basically that you take everything that’s happening in that moment–your feelings, your beliefs about the event, whatever–and see it as absolute truth, only black and white, good or bad. And Mental Filter too, as you’re filtering out all of the positive things and seeing only the bad things.

I just mentioned it because I used to have (still sometimes do) huge mood swings like that which you describe. We (me, psychologist, and psychiatrist) spent months tracking my moods to see if bipolar II was a possibility and determined that there was really no rhyme or reason to the cycle. I just react really strongly to events – one criticism could plunge me into weeks of depression, or a good grade on a test could make me feel optimistic and hopeful for the future. I find overall I am more sensitive to the negative events than the positive ones!

I recommend you see a professional ASAP (preferably a psychiatrist) and get started on some CBT therapy, which is extremely effective for the type of cognitive distortions you are describing. I have come a long way with my own emotional liability – but it takes discipline and hard work. You are incredibly fortunate to already are aware of what your issue is, and have the willingness to tackle it. That will definitely give you an advantage that many don’t have. I honestly think you are a great candidate for CBT and will do very well.

Good luck!

5

“… first job after college …”

You’re young, aren’t you?

I’m thinking you might be a bit inexperienced, too.

I also suspect you look great on paper, or at least have great communication skills.

So, I hope you are not bi-polar, because I am going to tell you grown-up truths, and you will find them depressing.

You still have a lot to learn, and you are going to humiliate yourself sometimes in the process. You will FUBT more than once, never mind need to ask for more direction. This will still be true in two or three decades, but you will be used to it by then.

You are probably not going to set the world on fire. Very few people do. (This is a good thing.) After the first round of lay-offs, if you still have your less than stellar job, you will be happy.

You will never be better than everyone at everything. You have to learn to be happy for your friends’ sucesses. (And never be professionally jealous of a sweetie; that’s low and petty and soul-destroying.)

In short, welcome to the real world, where nothing is perfect.

(And before medication, try regular exercise [every morning], fruits or vegetables with every meal, and no caffeine after noon; then give up breads and root vegetables. It works for me sometimes.)

6

thanks for all of the advice so far guys.

I am hoping j666 is right and it’s just naivety and a bit of over-drama.

I started trying to self-improve by writing down the constant things I need to remember (such as you have a pretty decent first college job, your managers support you, you have a great relationship where this person supports you, etc) and some realistic expectations as to what I can do with my job experience (move within the company, do something else with the experience, etc).

I also wrote down simple things like “stop comparing yourself to others, you know you are intelligent and this idea that money or the perfect job or being better than people around you at something brings happiness is bullshit”

I think I am going to just get in the habit of trying to look at something written down like that everyday and just keep reminding my ambitious, impatient, and erratic mind that it’s got a ton to be thankful for and a realistic plan for life.

I hope that’s not crazy hehe :slight_smile:

7

any more advice? Thanks guys :slight_smile:

8

Read some stuff and steal the bits that make sense. Eckhart Tolle seems to be a bit flavour of the month but most of what he is teaching relieves you of lots of shit without a lot of effort.

Basically he is extolling a Zen philosophy of being in the moment. My circumstances haven’t changed since I started reading him but my attitude to them has.

I learned one additional trick from a very enlightened friend. He has very old tatooes on the back of his hands that are designed to remind him to stay in the moment - if he sees them and is listening to the usual blather in his head, he just stops and begins to concentrate on his breathing.

I am not into tats so I wear a plain silver ring. If I catch myself entertaining bullshit thoughts I swap it to the other hand and concentrate on what I am doing or my breathing.

After a while you seem to be nagging yourself about things far less often. I spend far more time now enjoying myself (going with the flow) than I used to. I still have my moments when I berate myself about my failings but now when I catch myself doing it I can break the cycle.

And don’t believe that Eckhart Tolle is the only choice. There is The Lazy Man’s Guide To Enlightenment or Tal Ben-Shahar’s Happier, even The Sedona Method is largely the same principles.

9

Seconded. The Power of Now has made a concrete difference for me over the last few weeks. The ideas are nothing new since I already have studied Zen, but he presents them in a way that lets me look at the same Zen tenets differently. I really detest Tolle’s ‘‘I’m a master of spiritual healing’’ smarmy bullshit attitude, but the ideas in that book have been extraordinarily helpful.

Heh, I have such a tattoo on the back of my wrist. It says ‘‘impermanence’’ in Sanskrit. Nobody really gets it when I try to explain it, but I can’t count the number of times that simple reminder has helped me through difficult times, or made me cherish moments more once I realized the only time we have is Now.

10

Are you female?

Women have to work harder at being ‘professional’; few of the public images of women are professional. (this is a doctor?)

Don’t talk too much about your personal life; never talk about the hot guy you met and how much you hope he calls. Practise a low and calm speaking voice; learn how not to shrink from confrontation. Learn how to just say nothing; learn how to curse effectively.

Get your style tips from Ann Taylor instead of Chloe. More Miranda than Samantha. (Very few women can pull off Samantha professionally.)

All this is, of course, for professional you.

(I once had a report tell me she ‘could not be one person at work and another person in real life’; I had to tell her that, yes, she could and she certainly should.)

11

I am bipolar. What you describe is NOT bipolar disorder (at least, not by itself). Unless you have some other, seriously debilitating, destructive symptoms that you didn’t mention, then this isn’t something to worry about. The tendency to label anyone with mood swings as “bipolar” is a really dangerous trend, IMHO.

Just about everyone I know has ups and downs in how they feel about their job and their life. Maybe yours are a little more extreme then most, but they can be handled without drugs or therapy or labeling yourself as having a serious medical problem. If what you’re doing isn’t your ideal, you can probably handle your misgivings by working on a plan for how to change things in your life that you aren’t entirely happy about.

Also, some people are just not meant to stay in the same career all their lives. I have known several perfectly normal people who would get new and different jobs every few years just because having that kind of change and adventure was what kept life interesting for them.

12

Not necessarily bipolar. From the OP:

(bolding mine)

Any behavior that an individual characterizes as a problem should be examined thoroughly. I’m not saying that I think seaptho is bipolar; but combined with the compulsive behavior of comparing him (her?)self to others, I think the possibility should at least be considered. Again, IANAShrink.

13

If that introduction has grabbed you, read more here.

14

A lot of those people you are comparing yourself to and feeling you come up short- they’re comparing themselves to you, and feeling that they come up short.