how to stop comparing yourself and not feeling equal

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hey all,

I am embarrassed to ask but it’s really bothering me and this seems to be a place filled with wise folks: I seem to have this weird problem. My boyfriend just got a job that he loves and all of a sudden the boring but stable job I have just makes me feel like I am no longer an equal and that if I do not also do what I love in life, and am not compelled to work after hours passionately, etc that I am somehow less of a part of our team.

It’s a weird feeling I guess. I know in my gut that he knows I am intelligent, that jobs do not define you, and that we are equals, but I cannot seem to convince my everyday emotions. I literally get sick thinking-and most of it is just me assuming something is not true (that I am perceived as less-equal because I am not as ambitious, dedicated to work, etc).

The job I have is for experience in the real world and such (I graduated from college recently) and I have such a hard time treating it like what it is (just a job).

Thanks for any insight. I am just trying to be less miserable/competitive/envious so I do not hurt what I have with someone I love very much.

2

You aren’t the only one. I also tend to compare myself to others, always putting myself down for not being as “good” as they are. If the coworker sitting next to me is laughing it up on the phone with a client, I start thinking, “There’s no way I could be that carefree on the phone. I suck!” Or if I’m sitting in a meeting and someone chimes in with a good question or comment, I think, “Why can’t I ever speak off the cuff that well? I suck!”

You and me just have to keep in mind that no one is paying attention to us all that closely. We think it’s obvious the world knows we’re inferior, but that’s not the case.

One thing you could do is pick up an interest or hobby that is just yours and yours alone. Learn it and get real good at it so that it becomes just as part of your identity as work. For some people, work is who they are. But a lot of people don’t really define themselves based on their job but on other things, and that’s perfectly ok.

You’ll be alright.

3

If you always compare yourself with others and feel like you don’t measure up, the problem is in your perceptions. However, if you don’t do that normally but are doing so in this one situation, I’d say it’s a sign that you hate your job and really crave a more fufulling one and that you need to go get one. That doesn’t mean that you quit in a huff tomorrow–it may mean you start sending out resumes, talking to people, taking classes, or drinking wine and thinking real hard about what you want.

In my experience there are people who want a job and who find fufillment elsewhere, and there are people who need a career, who need the more important hours of their day to be the ones at work. Both systems work, but if you are hard-wired one way, it can be damn near impossible to be content the other way. This may be a wake-up call for you. Even if you have to stay at this job for now because it’s part of the greater plan, make sure you remember that plan and keep your eye on the end goal.

The other possibility is that you are discovering that you don’t want your job to be your life and somehow feel guilty about that. If that’s the case, all I can do is assure you that it’s not true. The world desperately needs well-rounded people who explore and try different things. There are plenty of jobs that are just jobs that need doing, and defining oneself in other ways can contribute just as much to society and can make someone just as complete of a person.

4

I do compare myelf to other people, but I feel I compare favorably to random people. I think it’s okay to consider yourself smarter or better dressed or nicer than some. Healthy ego is a good thing. My daddy used to sit me down and tell me I was the prettiest girl in the world. I knew in my head I was not. I grew up knowing in my head that I couldn’t possibly be. And I knew in my heart that I was. I grew up knowing that my daddy never told a lie to me. I don’t envy people their jobs or their looks. If I want something enough, I can have it. I have to make the changes I need to in order to get it—do I want to do that? Some people might have jobs that seem awesome but I love what I do. I didn’t love every job I ever had, but I found this career and it suits me wonderfully well.
It’s perfect for the prettiest girl in the world.

5

You could just be awesome like me. :smiley:
Also your job DOES define you. Everything you do and how you do it defines you, especially if you are doing it 50+ hours a week.

6

defines you how MS. Smith?

7

also thanks for some of the feedback, it’s really nice to hear. I just have to figure out how to be more realistic with a job. How to not scare myself into thinking I have to be a certain way or I am inferior. I make myself sick obsessing about it heh. How does one get what they know in their gut (the clarity) reach their conscious everyday memory is still hard for me.

8

It’s just M Smith. No Ms.
To successfully perform your job, presumably you need certain skills and attributes that qualify you to be there. There is probably a reason you chose your particular profession. All these things tell a little something about you. And if the job isn’t a good fit, you’ll probably either quit out of frustration or be asked to leave.

Let me give you some examples:

  • Accountants are very detail oriented because they have to be
  • Salesmen are very outgoing and comfortable around people
  • Construction workers are very hearty because they are outside in the mud and the dirt working with heavy, dangerous equipment

More importantly, how do you approach your job? Are you lazy or highly motivated? Are you ethical or do you cut corners? Is your job something you love to do or is it something you do to pay the bills?
Since you are recently out of college, it probably doesn’t make that much sense to you because you haven’t been working that long or you have mostly worked part-time minimum wage just take any job because it’s only for a few months jobs. In other words, up until now you’ve been more or less defined by being a student.

You job doesn’t have to be the only thing that defines you though. You are also defined by your relationships and hobbies.

9

I’ll take a stab at this. Having recently graduated from college, I am assuming you are in your 20’s - still “young”. What you are getting a glimpse of is part of the greater picture/quest of happiness: acceptance of yourself.

First, people fall into every combination across the spectrum: some “are” their jobs/careers, and to some their jobs are merely a means of income. Secondly, where one falls in this spectrum can change over the years. You may be a passionate work-aholic for years, but then decide there’s more to life and want other aspects of your life to be of higher priority.

I see the situation you are in as not feeling “equal” so much as being jealous of your boyfriend’s situation. He has a job he is passionate about, and he enjoys putting the time into it. You do not feel the same way about your own job, so you are jealous of his situation. However, it is not uncommon that he may start to rank your relationship lower compared to his career, and this may not be acceptable to you. Just because he’s into his job, doesn’t necessarily mean it is a good thing for you two (many are the marriages where one spouse is a workaholic, and the other suffers from the lack of much of a relationship - though their lives are very comfortable).

But back to the “self acceptance”. It is more important for you to compare “overall happiness” than just one aspect - your careers. For instance, you may be passionate about something not related to work (a hobby, reading, participating in a sport, whatever). And that makes your life fulfilling and enjoyable. Don’t feel that you must get this sense of “who you are” solely from your career/job. Again, you may be on a different point on that spectrum (and chances are, you are).

Now if you don’t feel that your life is so great/enjoyable, it may not be just your lack of enthusiasm for your job. And I would recommend looking into doing things that do interest you. The point is, if your career doesn’t excite/motivate you, you don’t have to force yourself to make it so. There’s a lot more to life than just working.

Most importantly, although hardest to “get”, is that only you know what will make you feel “accepted” to yourself. Generally “keeping up with the Joneses”, or comparing yourself to others, is not the way to determine this. This is what the “keeping up with the Joneses” phenomenon is all about: the Joneses will always be happier simply because they don’t care. But if you are basing your happiness/acceptance on how you compare to someone else, you’ll never really get there - it won’t be sincere/genuine.
Put another way, when you start doing things you are interested in and are passionate about, you may step back and notice that you simply no longer care how you “compare” with anyone else. You’ll notice that you’re just doing your thing and are enjoying it.

10

Oh, honey, this sounds so harsh, and I do not mean it that way at all, but everyone isn’t noticing you at all – we’re too busy being insecure about our ownself.

“Is my degree/profession/spouse/home/child/vehicle impressive?” “Enough?”

The ability to not care (or at least appear to not care) about one’s social status is something you should cultivate. It will carry you far in life, and make others gaze upon you with respect and wonder.

No, I’m not kidding. (43, female, homely, bad teeth, $100k/yr, people – the ones with $$$ – think I’m smart and hawt )

You can fake cocky. Do so until you believe it.

11

Please don’t go through life comparing yourself to others; this could possibly end in disappointment. Rather, look at yourself: your own happiness, your own agenda and see if you’re comfortable in your own skin.

My older brother is hugely more successful than I (financially speaking), but this has never been an issue, or even a topic for conversation, since I’m gainfully employed and have a house and am raising kids in the best possible environment I know.

Be you. Don’t worry about what others think.

12

Thanks guys :slight_smile: any tips on convincing a rather stubborn mind on getting better at doing this? I know in my gut you guys are right but it is ridiculous how hard it is to really change.

13

My therapist said you have to let the pain overcome the fear: your reasons to change have to be stronger than your stubborness. Tell yourself you are as good as anyone else and keep on saying it until it becomes what you believe.
And my job defines me, too. I’m a nurse. It’s what I do AND who I am. I don’t stop being a nurse after work. I drive home and I’m still a nurse. I think nurse-like thoughts all the day through. I was getting my hair done today and a woman ( 34 weeks at least by the look of her ) walked into the salon. ( She didn’t have the waddle and she was carrying high and in front ). I was visually assessing her top to toe without even thinking about it. ( No edema visable, good color ) Being a nurse has infiltrated every aspect of my personality and I doubt it’ll ever go away.
Cyn, OB/GYN RN

14

Well I don’t know if I would go so far as not caring about your social status. If you are the neighborhood pariah, that might be a clue you need to change your act.

15

Yes, it is hard to change, and true self-confidence will not happen overnight. Fake it anyway, and keep faking it until it feels almost normal.

Observe the people around you, and mimic the behaviour (voice – tone & pitch, facial expressions, etc) of those you admire. Try practicing in private with a mirror first – you’ll feel (and look) like a chimp in a Jerry Lewis skit. Now do it again. And again. And again. Now do it again, without the eyebrow thing. And again. Then again, only relax your lips a little. Rinse, repeat as needed. Better? Try ONE in public, gauge reactions, fine tune, and start on behaviour #2.

It helps to have one or two confident, competent coworkers, friends, or teachers to observe, rather than herds of random strangers, who may well be total assholes, but look nice at one particular moment.

Or take an acting class, if such classes are available in your area, and then go home to your mirror, and do it again & again & again.

16

Edit window expired. Sorry.

I know my post sounds like I’m missing your point. I’m not, but instead trying to give you tips on how to fake it successfully in all aspects of life. People who appear self confident get better jobs. Competent and confident is ideal, of course, but one without the other can get you by. Self-confidence and social skills can keep you sane while buying you the time to become competent, and/or find a field you enjoy.

17

It sounds like you have a basic lack of self-confidence/self-esteem. These are things that can be learned and worked on, but change doesn’t happen overnight.

One thing you can tell yourself is that if your boyfriend had a problem with your job, he’d tell you. He hasn’t, so he doesn’t have a problem with it - it is only your problem, and therefore you are the only one who can fix it. Was your job okay before your boyfriend got his dream job? If that’s the case, then the problem isn’t the job - it’s your attitude towards it. You can change your attitude, too - what you focus on is what you see and feel. If you focus on how boring your job is, that’s all you’ll see. If you focus on your salary, or your duties, or the possibility of advancement, or the resume-building you’re doing, you can see a whole lot more positives there.

ETA: I forgot to say that one way to build self-confidence is to watch self-confident people, and do what they do. I have a marvelously self-confident brother-in-law, and I’ll actually say to myself sometimes, “What would Ian do in this situation?” There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking lessons from the people around you that are doing things well.

18

I honestly cant understand how people can feel inferior to other people.

We’ve all been kids ,we’ve all been weak at one time or another.
We all fart,crap and piss.
We will all grow old and feble(The lucky ones amongst us )
And we will all die eventually.

When you meet the most beautiful woman on earth,below that flat stomach is 24feet of shit packed intestine .
Sorry to be distasteful but its the truth.

19

The way you build confidence is to go and do things that make you uncomfortible. If you find talking to strange people awkward, practice striking up conversations with people you encounter randomly.
But it sounds like your issue isn’t confidence. It sounds like you are unhappy in your job and your boyfriend’s happiness with his is just emphesizing it.

20

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

From Desiderata by Max Ehrmann link