A man walks into a bar in new Brunswick and starts to tell a Newfie joke. “Hold on a second”, grumbles the bartender. “I come from St. John’s. And that big guy beside you on the bar is from Corner Brook, Newfoundland. Also, see that cute girl at the end of the bar? She’s a Newfoundlander too. So are you sure you still want to tell your Newfie joke?”
“I don’t think so”, replied the man. “I don’t wan’t to have to explain it three times.”
2. What is the difference between an epileptic clamdigger and a prostitute with diarrhea?
In the days of sailing ships a young lad goes to sea for a two-year voyage. As the ship reached the open ocean the lad runs to the captain. “Captain!” he says, “There are no women aboard this ship!”
The captain says, “So?”
“So,” replies the lad, “We’ll be out for two years! And there are no women aboard the ship!”
“I see your problem,” says the captain. “We have a solution. Do’ye see the barrel on the deck? And d’ye see the bunghole in the side? When the men feel a little “anxious”, we use that.”
The lad decides to give it a try and goes to hump the barrel. “Captain!” says he, “That was wonderful! I’m going to do that every day!”
“Ye kin do it every day except for Thursday,” replied the captain.
A zoo truck with a load of penguins breaks down at side of the road, and a Newfie happens by with a pickup truck.
Trucker: “I’ll give you 300$ if you’ll bring these penguins to the zoo.”
Newfie: “Sure thing mister.”
Later that day, the trucker is in town getting repairs and sees the Newfie with a line of penguins walking behind him.
Trucker: “I asked you to bring these penguins to the zoo!”
Newfie: “I did, but I had money left over so we’re going to the movies.”
I think the epileptic clam shucker “shucks between fits”.
Some Nova Scotians were having a party and one phones a friend and says “C’mon over, the Newfies are here and we’re having a fine old time.” The friend says " I can’t, I have a real bad case of diarrhea." Buddy says “Bring it over, these Newfs’ll drink anything.”
While we’re offending Newfies, we might as well do another group too.
A UFO came down to research humans. They found a Newfie out fishing, sitting on the side of his boat and singing “Oh, I’s the b’y that builds the boat…”
They decide to zap out a quarter of his brain to see if it has any effect. Zzzzap! And the Newfie’s sitting on the side of his boat singing “And I’s the b’y that sails her…”
The aliens look at each other in amazement, and decide to take another quarter of the Newfie’s brain. Zzzzap! And the Newfie’s sitting on the side of his boat singing “And I’s the b’y that catches the fish…”
The aliens are thoughly shocked that taking half his brain has no effect, so they decide to take the rest. Zzzzap!Zzzzap! And the Newfie’s sitting on the side of his boat singing “Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques,…”
Umm, I don’t get rlk’s joke, could someone explain it for me? Thanks.
Anyway, more jokes
One day in Liverpool an enormous 250lb Scouser was sitting by the bar knocking back the pints like there was no tomorrow. While he’s doing this a short, neat, obviously gay man walks in, goes up to the bar and orders a white wine spritzer. After a while he manages to catch the scousers eye and, emboldened by the alcahol, goes up to him and whispers in his ear “How about a blow job then?”
The Scouser is instantly furious, he drops his pint, picks up the little man and proceeds to give him a thorough beating before kicking him out onto the street. He goes back to the bar and orders another pint and while the barman is pouring it he says “Jeez stan, what did that poor bugger say to piss you off so much?” “Dunno”, replied the Scouser, “Something about a Job”
P.S. I’m originally from Liverpool I can tell this joke so there!
It never occurred to me that non-Canadians wouldn’t get it! What a putz!
To explain a little more than detop did, I’s the b’y is the stereotypical Newfie song, while Frere Jacques is Quebecois. Both groups are favoured objects of ethnic jokes up here.
Of course you can substitute nationalities quite freely: Polish, Ukrainian (especially in Saskatchewan), Mexican (in the southwestern US), or any other minority group.
Okay, these two Irish men had just escaped from a shipwreck, with only a small empty bottle between them. As the one was going to throw the bottle away in disgust, a genie pops out.
“Thank you, kind sirs. In gratitude, I give you one wish.”
The first Irish Guy thinks for a minute, and then says, “Okay, lad, will ye make the entire ocean out of beer?”
“Done”, says the Genie and as he disappears, the entire ocean becomes beer. Irish Guy 1 tastes it and it’s the best beer ever made, there is none better. Irish Guy 2 smacks him across the head.
“Paddy, ye dope!”
“Now we’ll have to piss in the boat!”
Two lobster fishermen, one American, one Canadian, spent their entire careers fishing opposite sides of the bay (between New Brunswick and Maine). The whole time, they never spoke or saw each other closer than a few hundred feet, but every day they waved to each other as they worked their traps.
One day, a few years after they’d both retired, they ended up in the same bar in Eastport. After finally greeting each other face-to-face, they sat down over a beer to reminisce about their lives on the lobster boats. Eventually, the American fisherman worked up the courage to ask something that had always bothered him.
“Bill,” he asked, “I’ve always wondered how you were able to do so well fishing with those traps of yours. They had no doors on them!”
The Canadian smiled.
“Ah, well you see, the lobsters on our side of the bay are CANADIAN lobsters. Once they get into the trap, if one of them tries to get out, the others pull him back.”
Ba-dum-dum.
[sub]Thank-you, thank-you. You’re too kind. I’ll be here all week.[/sub]
This is not even a joke, just an anecdote. I know this lawyer guy who likes to impress people by speaking with big words, even when he’s not lawyering. He thinks he impresses women like that. Well, I think he believes he impreses everyone, including me. And he loves to use a big word and then ask you: “You know what that means?” I’ve told him several times I am not impressed and, in fact, I find it silly. So, just a couple of days ago, I say again, “Why do you lawyers have to speak with so many wherefores, heretofores, hereafters etc?”
Five minutes later he is telling me about this woman he will take next weekend to the country. His plan is to corner her in a motel. As I said, he has the subtlety of a sledgehammer. So I ask him what he’ll say or do once they get to the motel, and he says:
Oh, I’ll just tell her: “I hope you’re here after what I’m here after, because, if you’re not here after what I’m here after, you’ll be here after I’m gone!”
A man has been stranded on a desert island for several years, barely managing to survive. One day, he finds a surprise on the beach: a large barrel has washed up, and tied across it is a beautiful woman, sans clothes. In her sexiest voice, she says, “Hey, big fella, if you untie me from this barrel, I’ll make all your fondest dreams come true!”
The man’s eyes light up and he says, “Really!? You got beer in there!?”
