opps sorry!!
I meant Everybody Hurts.
Everybody Hurts, eh? Truly, you cannot sincerely hope that it will stand up the world renowned cynicism and wit of A Dennis Miller Rant!
For your unbridled insolence, you must now face the wrath of A Monkey Trying to Fuck a Football!
[mad scientist mode]
*Clearly, ve must first find out vhat ze mokey fvuckink ze futball iss. It iss obviouss zat ze monkey iss ein dumkoph, zo it MUST be a rock. (Ve haff no need to discuss ze other ways in vich zis monkey iss rock-like…
)
Given ze rock ztatus of ze monkey, ve know zat ve must use paper to combat it… paper wraps stone.*
[/mad scientist mode]
Based on the wisdom of my mad scientist, I defeat your Monkey Trying to Fuck a Football with tabloid newspaper coverage of the monkey!
Then, as a counter-attack, I summon my great strength to reveal… hard vacuum!!! Watch in awe as the crowd holds its breath in suspense!!!
An enigmatic attack can only be countered with one thing: Unpaid overtime on your day off!
whereas a hard vacuum will surely suck, this straight up blows.
If you don’t feel compelled to put a gun barrel in your mouth, I’ll be impressed.
To press the attack, I have no choice but to inflict upon you a pair of Coldfire’s old, dirty bicycle shorts!
Excellent commentary, drewbert! It’s good to see a different perspective of this fine spectacle we know and love. Now, back to our show…
So, Lexicon goes on the offensive (and I do mean offensive) to unlock the powers hidden within a pair of Coldfire’s old, dirty bicycle shorts. Most men would curl up in a corner and snivel like a grown man who just got a whiff of a pair of Coldfire’s old, dirty bicycle shorts, but I am no ordinary man. Through my years of training in the ways of Drunken Rochamboku, I have learned to drink copious amounts of alcohol without taking a breath, and thus I can without oxygen for days! As a result, I am invulnerable to this attack. Now, feel my wrath as I turn the tables and unleash the Michael Jackson Single-gloved Crotch Grab, followed by the lethal combination Leg Whip and Moon Walk! Heee-heee!!
The Michael Jackson Single-gloved Crotch Grab, followed by the lethal combination Leg Whip and Moon Walk! is stopped dead in it’s tracks by ** a nubile young boy**.
[sub]One more and he gets his own parish, folks.[/sub]
Your challenge, should you accept it, is to face the cost of living in San Francisco with no roommamtes and a meager job, fresh out of college.
I laugh with unbridled contempt at the cost of living in San Francisco with no roommamtes and a meager job, fresh out of college. for I am well-schooled in the arts of mooch off a rich girlfriend and her family.
You will have to contend with sexually explicit photos of Beaver and Wally Cleaver found in your desk drawer by the head of HR! Meager job or no, this will surely spell your DOOM!
The cost of living in San Francisco with no roommamtes and a meager job, fresh out of college is no worry to a **mastablasta #4x0r (hacker). ** Let me guess, you’re a fine-arts major!?
Now, you vile strumpet, you will be forlorne after I unleash a 1000 paper cuts from those paper footballs I made in 4th grade. And just for good measure a 3in. hang nail!
**A 1000 paper cuts from those paper footballs I made in 4th grade ** mean nothing to me, since I still have the kevlar[sup]tm[/sup] gloves from the time I worked in a glass factory. And as for the 3in. hang nail, I’m a guy, it doesn’t bother me, you wuss.
Nope, an Industrial and Systems Engineer and a SQA/systems test consultant. That was merely a ploy based on the lives of others. Sucker.
Now, for your insolence: jelly fish burns on your privates, rubber underwear in the summer and Montezumas’ revenge. Enjoy.
hah!! cykrider aka mastablasta #4x0r (hacker)
just hacked into a virtually unhackable Windows 98 machine (cause its a hack to begin with)and gave himself a remote blue screen of death!!
Lexicon didn’t you know that the solution to ** the cost of living in San Francisco with no roommates and a meager job, fresh out of college ** is to join a satanist, cataclysmic, yet surprizingly well furnished and stocked cult communion house (with a ritual pool in the back yard [where every brother and sister will one day stand to meet their high prest Lord Vishnu from the planet Armatron])
Oh baby! Give it too me there! ** Jelly fish burns on your privates and rubber underwear in the summer** sounds alot like my high-school days. Ahhh the memories. You’d be suprised what could happen on a trip to the beach, a cooler of beer, and lots of sexy women with PMS.
Thus returning from my bi-annual pilgrimage to the Aztec ruins, I bring to the floor one of nature’s most uncanny and devestating treasures. Forged by the hands of Medusa herself I cast upon you the wrath of ** The legendary dolphin shaped dildo!
With ALL 3 settings:
-
“That’s the spot!”
-
“OH FLIPPER!”
and… -
“Who needs a man?!”
**
Cower with fear in it’s cacophonous mind-blowing squeels.
Feel the wrath of it’s expandable dorsal fin.
Stand in bewilderment at it’s multi-orgasmic powers!
You’ll never go back to cucumbers again… mmwawaahahhahaha.
Dolphin dildo doesn’t stand a chance against thinksnow [sub]see sig and do some research[/sub]
So here are the standing, as of this post (only those with 5 or greater attacks are included):
Scupper…46
jr8…27
thinksnow…26
magdalene…23
foxfyre…21
Busta Rib…20
TkD2DAN…15
Billdo…13
Le Sang…12
Inky-…11
cykrider…10
Osip…08
Lexicon…08
robgruver…07
andygirl…07
Totoro…06
Bear Nemo…06
Milosarian…05
Eutychus…01
Euty gets special mention for the words that begin in gry attempt. Shows why he is a Moderator and not a fighter, eh?
Even the rootin-est, tootin-est, fastest-vibratin’est Dolphin Dildo pales into insignificance when a Real Man[sub]tm[/sub] comes along…
(Hmmm, thinks jr8, it’s time for a plan so cunning even Ben Elton couldn’t come up with an appropriately strong analogy for it. Perhaps a bit of Zen mixed with a bit of obscure TV trivia will befuddle my opponents.)
He walks to the center of the ring, pauses for a moment for dramatic effect, and releases:
Ip.
(Ha! thinks jr8; even if countered, I will have had the last word…)
Ip. is brushed aside by WB Teen Dramas. Instead of trying to figure out what the hell “Ip.” means, you all become tragically absorbed with Felicity’s newest hairstyle, Buffy’s new take on lesbian chic, and whether James Van Der Beek’s emerging male pattern baldness will ruin Dawson’s latest love triangle.
I am sad that that Dolphin dildo was retired so quickly - and where did that Real Man get to?
NO! Must focus! Using my WonderTwin powers, I make a call to the Hall of Justice and give you…
The Superfriends. All of them.
Pah. I banish the Superfriends into the pit of '70’s Saturday morning kitsch from whence they came by invoking the spirit of Lore (see also here).
You have ignored and humiliated my Ip (which was not very nice of you); therefore I must retaliate with something that will not be ignored:
Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.
Lock up your bunnies, folks.
In these many days of battle, I have sensed an ironic comaraderie with you all. If I wasn’t trying to get James Brown on your asses, I would invite you all over for dinner sometime. Maybe after the victor has been crowned.
But the fight continues and I must focus now. magdalene, foul Temptress of Turpitude! To leave The Superfriends unfettered in the ring is a brazen move, like farting in a classroom and hoping nobody notices, all the while grasping your Taco Bell Zesty Fiesta burrito. Kudos to **jr8[/] for dispatching them promptly.
And now, I counter Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction with Two Shakes of a Lamb’s Tail. Try figuring out what that means!!
Was there an attack in there somewhere, or were you just countering?
My forte will include: the rediculous cost of shipping and handling, just try sending something to the one you love! Following that is rain on your wedding day and a free ride when you’ve already paid.
Isn’t it ironic? Make that “forte” into “sorté.”
Thanks.
Pah! I say again (and I’ll keep saying it too, partly because I like to, partly because the flying spittle distracts my opponents, and partly because I think it makes me sound like Londo Mollari. Pah! Pah! Pah pah pah pah pah papapapapapapapapaoohmowmow papaoohmow mamow…damn! I’m getting distracted. Must concentrate on the matter at hand…).
Rain on my parade, will you? I counter your attacks with a Spellchecker of Doom and an Unexpected Windfall. Oh the agony and the ecstasy!
I was going to use this to counter the Lamb’s Tail attack, but since I’ve got it out anyway, prepare to feel the sting of a Strategically-Placed Rubber Band!
Your Strategically-Placed Rubber Band is snapped when I Tickle Your Funny Bone, causing the Rubber Band to simply fall to the floor without inflicting any harm. Now, you harlots!! Suffer the incessant and droll electronic beat of Fatboy Slim’s Funk Rockafeller Skank!! This aural assault will render your senses useless in seconds!!