JoeCool: “I love organic beer, especially the really old stuff, and I think some frilly stuff and pink is a nice color for shoes don’t you?”
Coldfire : This Grolsch sucks. Gimme an Amstel!
SwimmingRiddles: Okay boys, enough small talk. Swiddles wants to get LAID.
Satan: Wooohoo! The acceptance letter came! I’m going to Oral Roberts University!
Surgoshan: Hey everyone! I’d like you to meet my girlfriend!
SqrlCub: Wilfred Brimley in a speedo? YUCK!
Gee, all of the unlikely quotes from me pertain to women. LOL. Funny shit though! 
GaWd - I love pop music, I hate beer, and I renounce every worldly posession I own, so that I may become a monk.
Democritus - Beer? No thanks, i’m drinking water.
Psycat90 - Democritus? Who’s that?
JavaMaven - I hate cooking!
Omniscient - Sex? Nah, i’m saving myself for marriage
Pricciar - circus peanuts? Yuck, give me a spicy habanero stuffed olive!
Surgoshan - Beer, alcohol, and weed? Eww, that’s like gross!
Kyla - Money? Damn straight I love it, I can’t get enough!
This was a great idea. I only wish I have been around long enough to get solidly lampooned.
MR
Maeglin - Screw you newbie! Wait till you have a few hundred posts, then I’ll ring your bell.
Omniscient - I’ve decided to give up women in favor of masturbation. (oops, that was a LIKELY quotation)
Anthracite: Ignore the name. I don’t even like coal, much less know anything about it.
Freak Freely: You know, you have a point. I hadn’t looked at it that way before. I’ll keep my trap shut about it from now on.
GaWd: <insert sincere self-deprecating remark>
Falcon: No, I’m really going to sleep with every guy on here. I take flirting 100% seriously, and anyone with whom I flirt knows that I expect BOOTAY.
VogueVixen: I am going to eschew alcohol and devote my life to Our Lord, Jesus Christ.
Anthracite: On the whole, I would rather be working retail.
Xploder: I was a virgin until I was married. My wife and I have sex in the male-superior missionary position only. Anything else is EEEE-vil.
PepperLandGirl: The Beatles SUCK. I want my 98 degrees and I want it NOW!!!
SeaDiver: Get that tequila away from me!!!
Great idea MrC!
Doobieous: Hey, can you lend me that Neil Diamond album? I’m getting sick of this Basement Jaxx crap.
pricciar: Screw all of you assholes!!!
psycat: Can we stay at home and watch Lifetime tonight, honey? I’m sick of going out dancing all the time!
Mullinator: Honey! Why do you keep putting things up high where I can’t reach them???
Opal: Can someone help me out here? I’m trying to put together a home page.
Sealemon: No assholes, it’s “Sea” and “Lemon”, can’t you get it?
Coldfire: Duuuh! Everyone knows we wear wooden shoes here! Schmuck!
Techchick: So what are you guys doing for Labor Day? I haven’t decided yet.
Ukelele Ike: Eve is a Skank Ho!
Eve: Screw AMC! I want my MTv!!!
Enough for now… 
This is too much fun.
Needs2know: Wow, I can’t believe the deal I got on this confederate flag, I can’t wait to get home and display it.
aha: No, please…enough about me, let’s talk about you.
ChiefScott: Nope, I’m not horny after being on a boat for 6 months.
DrainBead: Satan, honey? Would you cut your hair off for me?
Coldfire: Rush sucks.
Omni: Nope, I don’t miss flirting at all.
Falcon:
(1) No, my mom and I are getting along swimmingly–she’s my new best friend.
(2) Ugh, another military poster?! Don’t you just hate a man in uniform!
(3) I will get all my maps and driving directions from Yahoo!
Peta Tzunami (aka me ):
(1) Naw, I’m tired of the Monkees…
(2) Beef, its what’s for dinner.
(3) Yeah, she is very attractive–if she’s into it, I’ll try it this once.
PLDennison:
(1) God has really touched my heart in a special way.
(2) Bush for president!
(3) Evolution, pish-tish, we all now how the universe was created.
(4) Damn scientists always shattering our belief systems.
(5) I’ve decided to give up beer–just empty calories and an annoying buzz anyway.
Jodi:
PLDennison is absolutely right about this…
Troll-Jebus: (too easy NOT to use)
I like intelligent women with high self-esteem and positive body image.
Satan:
(1) That song is SO true, “God is in control.”
(2) Free concert tickets? No, I prefer to pay my own way.
(3) I’m getting a buzz cut please and while I’m at it, I’ll see if can they take care of this sinaster-looking chin hair.
DrainBead:
Yes, please shave it all off–bald is beautiful.
WeirdDave:
You’re right, the Browns are a pretty good team.
SqrlCub:
(1) D-augmented-9th to the tenth power.
(2) Wow, she’s a little cutie…
(3) Smurfs? No way–Snorkels are where its at!
DCNewsman:
PLD and Peta, could you use some more books? I have a few boxes I was getting ready to donate to the library–do you want them?
John Corrado:
I think I’ll just settle down for a quick cat nap–no one will notice.
Cecil Adams:
Greetings Straight Dope Fans and Message Board Participants – I wanted to take a moment and set aside a brand new thread to personally welcome all 7400 of you to the SDMB by name.
Cheers!
Doobieous - Listen, you can take that palm tree and shove it up your ass, I want a cement back yard, who needs real plants when they sell plastic ferns?
Democritus - I put my application into the priesthood last week, they rejected me saying I was too pure. I think I will have to skip right to Cardinal.
psycat - I need to get these kids sold to the white slavers, they have been a thorn in my side for long enough.
GaWd - Do you think I look prettier in mauve or pink?
SeaDiver - I am the prettiest thing out there. You other ugly bitches get out of my way.
Gaudere - Yes, even with my moderator hat on you look like an ugly fuck with no redeeming features.
Falcon - Now that I have this new job, I can see how great my old one was.
Alphagene - {{{{{{{{Doobieous}}}}}}}}
Homer - I make sure to reread a post atleast three dozen times before I post it. Even after that I show it to a friend to make sure I am not crossing the line.
Eve - My favorite stories are from a good book called Hollywood Babylon by Kenneth Anger.
pat
Milossarian - I’ve had enough of the Lions. I’m gonna be a Packer fan.
Mr. Cynical - Come to think of it, I will get back in my box.
Coldfire - Can’t we and the trolls all just get along?
Arnold Winkelried - No link? Eh, don’t worry about it.
Everyone Else on the Board - That Denbo sure is a smart and witty poster. I wish he would post more often.
WeirdDave: That John Elway is really the greatest quarterback ever. I have nothing but respect for him, especially since he decided to play for The Broncos instead of those pussy Colts.
Falcon: It’s not often you find a loving, caring and understanding roomate like this one.
Baglady: Make your OWN damn buttons!
Cecil: How the hell should I know???
More to follow…
Hamadryad: Tattooes? Ewwww, how could you do that to your body?
Shayna and/or techchick: Now why on earth would anyone want to know what other posters LOOK like?
ChiefScott: Maybe I should stay out on this ship just a little longer. After all, it’s only been 6 months…
Satan: Dammit, I’ve already done this thread!
FriendOfGod: God? God who?
techchick68: I’ll take those glasses with the thick plastic frames.
EVERYONE
I’m sorry, I have no opinion on that subject.
LOL! Lexi, I assume you meant “if you all don’t stop this flirting…” And, FreakFreely, you’re also right, I would never say that! :eek:
And, Swiddles, no fair! You stole several of my lines, ie: Coldfire and Mr Cynical. 
ChiefScott- I really am tired of flirting. I am liking this celibacy so much, I think I’ll stay this way, even after I get back home. I mean, sex is way overrated anyway, isn’t it.
Coldfire-Don’t you just love trolls? I mean, they bring something extra to the board, and I hope we get a lot more of them. That’s too bad that they don’t hang around very long, I’d like to hear more from them.
or: I really adore those little brown house mice, I want to catch mine and make a pet out of it.
iampunha-You know, I think I look so much better with short hair, I think I’ll cut mine today. And, I don’t have time to flirt anymore. After all, what’s the point anyway, it’s not like it’s any fun or anything. And, ladies, I’ll be taking down my shirtless pic since no one wants to see me anyway.