Unrequited love....

So… I’ve been lurking for quite a wihile, but I thought maybe it’s time to get some advise from the group that prides themselves on averting ingorance. (I just read the thread about the … people that can’t think of the word… that they’re trying to say… so please forgive me if I seem a little… you know… at a loss for words… ). Anyway, back to the point.

So, (if I do say so myself) I’m a pretty good looking, intelligent, humorus person, but it seems that I’m destined to be a loner. Anyway, I met this guy about six months ago. He’s a really great guy. Has a bit of baggage, but don’t we all. (Although he does admitteably have more baggage than me, being that here is a child involved and everything that that involves). But when I met him, he was just a guy, and we got along great. And now begins the tale, (I’m sorry, I’ve had a bit to drink and I’m feeling long winded… . or that thing when you get, you know, you can’t tell a story in a … short… concise… way). He’s was"from out of town" when I met him and we had a great time (…one night stand…) that has now turned into him living with me for the last 6 months. The problem is that after 2 months (he’d been living with me for about a month or so) he told me that he wasn’t interested in me that way, and that we should just be friends. OK, fine with that… But the crux of this message is that I’m in love. I don’t know what to do. He hasn’t found a job yet, I’m paying for everything, I’m going broke, we don’t have sex, he has his own room, he wants me to date (which I have and he makes fun of me when he hears the smooching downstairs)… Jesus Christ . I’m in a mess. What can I do… This is a very long winded message for a newbe, but I need some other ears (as it were…messages you know)… Anyway, there it is, blah blah blah…

What do you think?

Tell him good-bye.

Your are not his mother, you should not be providing for him, he needs to get his ass out.

This guy is a freeloader who is using you, bigtime. And you are probably girl # 456,028 that he has pulled this little stunt with.

Kick his sorry ass out NOW! Inform him that in 24 hours you are changing the locks and that he’d better have someone to pick him up. And then do it.

BOOT. Today. Tell him to get out immediately.

If he says he doesn’t have anywhere to go, tell him, “That’s not my problem. YOU are my problem.”

How do you know you love him? And why is he staying with you anyway? Why are you paying his way? Let him get a job, move out, and then see what happens. How is he a great guy? I need a bit more to go on than that.

Funny how he has sex with you first and then decides not to want to get involved romantically. That doesn’t seem so great to me. When both participants are aware that a one night stand is just that, a one nighter, I don’t think it’s so bad a thing. Take precautions and enjoy your life.

Has he also dated other people as he pushed you to do? If so, how does that make you feel? And again… why is he living with you? Seems like a mooch thing to do, IMHO. I hope he’s not taking advantage but he just may be. I’m not a very trusting sort, as you can tell.

Have you two talked about everything? I would never have let him move in, personally, and it makes me wary that he still has no job. What are his immediate plans? Don’t let him mooch off you, don’t go broke for this “great” guy.

I guess I need a lot more info to go on, sorry.

Thanks for the replies. To give a more complete story, I have to tell you that he has become my best friend (not that I have all that many friends to begin with). But he adds something… Jesus that sounds bad. Maybe Ive just been onely for too long and he adds that excitment to my life that’s been lacking. Don’t get me wrong, I thought through the pros and cons. If I let hin stay he dosen’t get a well paying job soon, I’m gonna go broke, (but it’s tough when you’re in a new city) but if I tell him to leave then I have nobody to laugh with or to go out with or anything. (Did I say already that I’m really tired of being alone). I’ve been so by myself for so long. There’s a reason why I chose the name no linegage. No one stays in my life for long. This is just another in a long line, but at least it’s on my terms. Well maybe not exactly to my liking, but better than nothing. Huh.

This guy’s a total tool. I had leaches like this. He’s taking advantage financially and whether you admit it or not he’s also taking advantage emotionally. I’m not the first to say it, but it bears repeating: kick his sorry ass to the curb NOW!

You may be his friend, but is he your friend?

Does he do the dishes, clean the house, do repairs, make you meals etc?

I suspect that the answers to all of these are No. If so, then he’s taking advantage of you, so boot him out and get thee to a DopeFest, or even host one!

Definitely kick him out, no matter how difficult it is. You are in L.A.? Wow, there are tons to do in L.A. sounds like you are lonely and shy…try stepping out on the oh so wonderful branch of life a little further…one never get’s anything without a little risk involved…

And once you find the right person for you, you will be in a land of amazing emotional wealth and happiness. It is not a fantasy…it does happen.

Give him the boot. Look for someone who won’t be trying to take advantage of you and who loves you.

Who isn’t lonely? I have three close friends in my life and my best friend is my SO. I have an autistic daughter as well and she’s my world. I don’t really have time for too many friends and I’m fine with it. I used to get down about it but now I have too much to do everyday to even dwell on it.

Get yourself involved with hobbies and I bet you make friends. I’ve met other parents with autistic kids who know exactly what I’m going through (not a hobby but I get to meet people anyway).

As for this great guy of yours, I would suggest he do whatever he could to help you while he is living with you. No job yet? OK, do the cleaning. Can’t buy food? He should cook unless he sucks at it. He can do dishes. Don’t be his maid. Does he even have a car?

Try not to feel with your heart so much, think with your head and make the best of the situation. Make him earn the things he’s getting scott-free right now. AND don’t have sex with him again. I know you said it was the one nighter and from that he won’t date you romantically but that’s a blessing in disguise. From the other posts I’ve read, we are all thinking the same way about this guy and your replies aren’t diminishing that at all.

Love is wonderful but this isn’t love. This is a good situation for him and him alone.

** nolineage ** , you have received very good advice here. I do understand that you have deep feelings for this guy, I understand not wanting to be alone again. You may believe that
you need him and that he needs you. You do not need him, it
sounds to me like you were making it on your own just fine before he came along.

What is he doing to help you ? If it is just that he is there, get a cat, it will be there too and a cat won’t laugh at the smooching noises when you have a date. Not to your face anyway.

You say if he doesn’t get a job and contribute to the cost of his living that you will go broke. Should that happen do you really think he will be there to help you? I don’t , I think that when it gets rough you Will be stuck in the middle of a mess and he will be down the road looking for someone else to sponge off of.

I don’t mean to sound harsh. Take a step back from this and ask yourself what you would tell a female friend or relative who was in the same situation ?

If you won’t kick his ass to the curb, at least give him two choices 1) go get a job even if it’s flipping burgers and asking people if they want fries with that, and . He may feel it beneath him but it’s honest work. Or 2) Get his mooching ass out.

You are not his Mother, hell at this point he is not even your lover. Get yourself free of this guy, he is using you IMNSHO.

What everybody else has said, and in spades.

I’m currently helping out the LAST victim of your guy or someone like him. Lost a lovely condo because the payments weren’t being made (“Yeah, I mailed the check.”), lost phone and electric service on a regular basis because Mr. Integrity didn’t pay the bills when she gave him the money to do so at the grocery store AFTER he didn’t put the stuff into the mail. I got her a lawyer to help her keep her accesibility-adapted van after he did something with the checks for THAT…he probably skimmed $20K out of her account over a 10 month period AND he was stealing items from her home and selling them all along, claiming to be moving things ‘out of her way’ because the turning radius of her new powerchair is not as good as the old one. You do NOT need a user, even if he isn’t actually stealing.

Being company for you is a very small part-time job for what it’s costing you, and he’s not even good at that. You can bet your right arm that a woman trying the same scam on a guy would probably be told to put out or get out.

Don’t be a victim. Please.

The phrase “With friends like that, who needs enemies?” comes to mind. You may want to read up on the web about co-dependency and see if it sounds like you fit the description.

You need to get away from him. You can find other people to share good times and laughs with who won’t end up RUINING YOUR LIFE (by making you go broke) in the process. Definitely think about meeting some of the Dopers in LA. I’m sure that you can make some decent friends through this board. There is no reason to settle for a relationship where you’re being exploited.