Unromantic Valentine's Cards

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So I was shopping for a card for my husband yesterday and was kind of amazed at how unromantic and mean some of them were. Yes, they’re meant to be funny, I guess, with the “you sit on the sofa all day” and “you hog the remote all day” and the “you watch sports all day”. There was even one that had, as hubby’s positive attribute, “sometimes you even put down your beer”!

But there was one that really was terribly unromantic. Here’s what it was:

Red card, oval cut out window with cartoon gorilla looking through it. Across the top it said “To my husband”. You open it up to discover the gorilla sitting. on. the. toilet. Since it was a husband gorilla, one presumes it was taking a shit since it was a guy and sitting down. And the inside text? “My Stinky Valentine”.

This was at the Rite Aid, btw, not some edgy gifty place or Spencer’s or something.

So, in honor of the day, share some other unromantic cards with me.

2

Real ones, or ones we made up? If the latter…

“I’d rather murder every single living creature on the planet in the most brutal, vicious, sexually depraved manner imaginable than cause you a moment of sadness [complete with illustration, detailed, albeit painted mostly in shades of red]…happy Valentine’s Day, love!”

3

Actually, that sentiment is kind of romantic, if not exactly sweet.

4

How 'bout “Skullcrusher Mountain”? :wink:

5

This is why I reject most greeting cards. I will not buy a card that mocks the recipient.

6

Some good fake ones .

I’ve seen a lot of those “humorous” ones that say the husband is a slob or a couch potato or sports nut who is so unromantic but she loves him anyway. I would be offended if my wife got me one of those. It might even make me put down my beer, brush the Dorito crumbs off my chest and turn off the basketball game just to give her a piece of my mind.
Nah.

7

“To Ed or Dick or Bob
She may be just a slob,
But to me, well,
She’s my girl
And I love her!”

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Give credit where it’s due – Tom Lehrer

9

I swear to God, last year I heard a story (on NPR? Maybe?) about a new line of Valentine’s cards for your single friends. They unironically contained messages like this:

You’re such a wonderful person – I know you’ll find someone soon!

If one of my friends got me a card like that, I’d punch him or her in the nose.

10

No kidding. It might be grounds to end the friendship.

Socially-expert people just don’t get what it’s like to be an ugly ill-adapted misfit. A card like that just rubs salt in the wounds.

11

My wife was complaining about this very thing this morning. I hadn’t looked at card for women to give men, but it seems they say “you’re a slob, but I love you,” and men’s cards say “I’m a slob, but I live you.”
Seeing a trend here?

12

I use these every year . For some of my friends, some of these sentiments are perfect.

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I wish I’d known about these a couple of weeks ago. :slight_smile:

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Save them in your favorites like I did. :slight_smile:

I think my favorite one is:

You’ll Do.