An important announcement for all “unsavory characters” in my neighbourhood (you know who you are), please take note: I am not a whore.
I understand that there are a few who may be seen in the neighbourhood at night – or as it seems today, during the morning rush hour – however, I am not one of them.
While I have long hair and may be seen in the autumn wearing a black, leather jacket, I am not in fact a “working girl.”
“Johns” please read the following:
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One should infer from my car keys and briefcase in hand that I am coming and going from work (yes, I often work rather late). Ladies of the evening generally don’t carry such large satchels and if they are carrying a bag so big and heavy, it would more likely be for weapons and ammo – you wouldn’t want to go out on a “date” with a girl like that.
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Please do not drive alongside me for half a block. It’s not that I haven’t noticed you, it’s that I’m ignoring you. Do not take this personally – there is no need to give me a dirty look and drive off in a huff. It is not a reflection on your manhood – you have not been slighted by a hooker who is thinking “not even if he paid for it!” (Although, honestly, you are quite ugly.)
“Professional women” please read:
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Please don’t bang on the hood of my car and “put up your dukes” while doing the Mohammed Ali float-like-a-butterfly-sting-like-a-bee dance. I am sorry if you were hoping that prospective clients could pull up there, but you should know by now that I park there every night. I am not going to fight you. I have martial arts training and you are very high. Such an altercation would not end well for you. (I would squash you like a bug – this would make me sad.)
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Please don’t run over to your pimp/dealer and tell on me. He is sober, he knows I’m not another prostitute invading your turf, and he knows I park there every night. You will just annoy him.
Besides that… I can’t believe you told on me, you skank! This isn’t the fifth grade!! You don’t run across the schoolyard yelling “teacher, teacher, that mean girl-who-looks-like-a-whore-but-isn’t, parked in my john’s space!” No one likes a tattle-tale – act like an adult ! (…or I’ll squash you like a bug!)
Dear Mr. Pimp/Dealer:
Please don’t pee on the shrubs. That garden belongs to the church and it’s both icky and disrespectful – you will end up on Santa’s naughty list for sure.
Thank you.