Unsolicited and Crazy Parenting Advice

[eleanorigby]

Ah, parenting.

Love the comments so far. I’ve been there and done that. My mother, when I called her to tell her I’d given birth, asked me if I was ok and if the baby was ok. And her next sentence was this: “I don’t babysit”. Well, Mom, since you live 600 miles away, you weren’t on the short list. :rolleyes: She didn’t want me to breastfeed; she kept saying in a singsong voice (like she was the newborn):“the service in this restaurant is terrible. Bring me real food!”. When I had to give up BF, she was happy.*

She also told me this heartening news when I was home with 2 very sick small children: “as they get bigger, their problems get bigger, too.”

Isn’t she just a ray of sunshine?

And then there is dear old dad, whom I left with my 18 month old son while I took my daughter to a birthday party. I came home to find Grandpa on the couch, reading the newspaper. Where’s #1 son? I ask casually. “Oh, he’s around here somewhere. I think he went upstairs.” Kid is 18 months old, windows under the eaves are open on the second floor; back and front doors are unlocked… Cross Grandpa off the babysitting list (for awhile).

My inlaws are worse. My MIL is awful. So awful re parenting and boundaries and stuff that reading these, I thought, “well, at least IrishLass’ are dead.” Words fail me to convey all her horridness. How about the time she came to #1 son’s 10 birthday party and brought her own cake for him? And made him (despite my ixnaying it, in my own home. Her son saying nothing-ever.) blow out the candles, cut and eat HER cake first, then the party could commence? How about threatening my kids with never taking them out for a treat again unless they pretend to be asleep on the train so she can get a “Kodak moment”? How about any bit of parenting advice she’s ever offered? This woman just 2 weeks ago invited me to my own daughter’s going away party at her house. I wasn’t aware we were having one. Neither was my daughter. She introduces me as “the mother of MY grandchildren.”

If it hadn’t been for my FIL I would not have let her do stuff with them. We won’t talk about the time I was in labor and I came to find out later that MIL was drunk while watching my daughter…
*we learned a salient lesson from first baby. If at all possible, don’t have MIL or mother come until Family (new mom, dad and babie[s]) have adjusted, say 3-5 days. Otherwise it’s hell. And when they do come to visit; give them chores to do. IOW, be ruthless and say it’s all to help the newborn, even if they’re taking your car to get its oil changed. I know that if I am fortunate enough to become a grandmother, I will scrub the floor or whatever for my child. You know, actually be of help.

[auntie_em]

@Dangerosa

My kids started drinking coffee at about 18 months - my mother would share her Starbuck’s mochas with them.

The funny thing is we went to the ped…they watch too much TV (by a little), drink too much pop (though we were already limiting it, she wanted it limited further), but I mentioned the coffee thing and she said “oh, that isn’t a problem.”

I grew up on coffee, too. BLACK coffee, which is interesting, because now I’m all about the cream and sugar. But yeah, my Nana (who drank hers black) would pour some from her cup into her saucer, and give it to me when I was but a toddler.

And I never used a seat belt in the car (let alone a car seat)!

And I ate solid food practically the second I emerged from the womb!

And I had cow’s milk!

And by golly, I’m not dead, so parents these days are idiots.

Woops. Was channeling my mother for a minute there.

[thirdwarning]

@auntie_em

And as an added bonus, I just recently learned something interesting . . . I’ve always known that I was not breastfed, but heretofore had just assumed that I got whatever formula was available in 1970.

Nope.

Turns out that as a baby, I subsisted on a mixture of canned milk and Karo syrup.

And soda, I’m sure.

I don’t know about the soda thing, but it seems your mom was probably just going with what she knew from about 20 years before. Or maybe she was listening to advice from her mom? :dubious: That canned (evaporated) milk and Karo syrup thing was pretty standard. It’s a wonder any of us survived.

I’m trying to be good. I became a grandmother in May and a mother-in-law in July. I offered to help my DIL with breastfeeding (if she wanted me to but with the baby’s jaundice problems and such, it just didn’t take off. Personally, I don’t think she really tried that hard, but I’m not saying that to her. I give that baby the bottles they leave for him, and that’s the way it is. They’re his parents. I will admit that I very briefly expressed my disagreemant with starting the little one on solid food at four months, but only to my son, and only that one sentence. If they want me to feed him fruit, fruit he’s getting, and no argument. He’s not my baby. His parents and I have a long way to go in this life and I want it to be a happy relationship.

I was fortunate that both my mother and MIL were pretty good about letting us alone to make the parenting decisions we wanted to make. Mom did say to me, once, with my first, “You’re not going to nurse that baby every time he fusses, are you?” I let that get to me a bit more that it should have, and partly because of that we almost ended up with a starving baby at three months. By the next time, if she had said the same thing, the answer would have been, “Yep.”

I guess I’ve been lucky. I never really had people bugging me about any of it. I can’t imagine what I would have done with some of the things you all are talking about.

[Unauthorized_Cinnamon]

It’s nice to know what’s in store as the kids grow older, MissTake. I’m sure us not being Christian will also produce some . . . interesting . . . experiences for my girls when relating to their friends and friends’ parents. FWIW, I think you’re doing a great job, and I totally agree about the hair thing and providing free access to information while also limiting their actions. Makes sense to me.

I am a huge breastfeeding advocate. My dream is that my grandchildren will say to me, “Gramma, you can’t be serious - people actually got upset and asked nursing moms to leave restaurants and stores? People were crazy in the olden days.” And I can’t tell you how annoying it is to have assholes “helping” the cause. I wouldn’t dream of confronting a mom about feeding choices - what do I know about her life?

[Risha]

I am deeply horrified by some of these parenting “advice” stories. It’s a miracle you guys survived.

My mother the schizophrenic-and-smoking-and-overprotective-but-diligent-and-responsible-parent suddenly looks like an excellent potential babysitter for my someday children.

[Lissla_Lissar]

Me: (about one-month old son) He’s eating about every twenty minutes.

Neighbour: you’re letting him?
No. I personally think that newborns should only eat every eight to twelve hours, or whenever it suits me. It’s all good discipline, right? No soft life, kid! She also thought he should be started on solids at two months. She meant well, but it’s been forty years since she had kids, and, well…

Okay, mine’s pretty mild so far. But we’re already getting geared up to defend homeschooling, and he’s only eight months old. We’ve gotten quite a lot of, “But how will he be socialized?” already. Take him in closet, beat him up for his lunch money. And we plan on unshackling him from the wall at least once a month.

Unfortunately every time I see my SiL I have to rein in my childrearing advice, because she quite frequently appalls me, but I don’t want to be the one giving unsolicited advice, like, "It’s midnight. Shouldn’t your toddler be in bed?"and “Oh, so you started feeding him McDonald’s at eight months. Great, you twit.”, and "Maybe letting him have gum at this age is freaking stupid?

I’m glad Claire’s doing well. She’s so cute.

[MandaJo]

I don’t give unsolicited parenting advice, but what do you do when you know someone that you think is a lousy parent and they are constantly discussing their parenting choices? I work with a woman – I am pretty good friends with a woman–that is pretty much my total opposite of me in terms of parenting philosophy (I don’t have kids, but we are both teachers and I certainly have some ideas about interacting with children). In the last 6 years, I’ve had to bite my tongue whenever she has come in and either bragged about how dependent her kids are and how much they miss her when she leaves (which really bothers me–I am convinced that attitude is carrying over at home and that she is teaching them that you express love through total dependence) or listen to how everyone else that has anything to do with her kids are totally incompetent bitches. She’s one of those people that when they tell you a story you can completely see the other side and find you are more sympathetic to it than to the version you are hearing.

There’s no point, obviously, in offering advice, but at some point listening silently starts to feel like condoning things that I really disagree with. It’s really awkward.

[Catamount]

I would be absolutely terrified to give parenting advice to any of the mothers I know. Especially my sisters. I’m sure they haven’t forgotten how to chase me to the backyard and kick me into Montana.

rigs, I instinctively knew the “do chores for new parents” rule. I used to babysit my oldest nephew and help my oldest sister clean up her house. When my older sister had her first baby, I had a habit of showing up at the end of naptime and changing diapers. They liked me.

[Cisco]

@JohnT

Not so much advice, but one time my sister (who has two kids) looked at me (with family around) and said “You’re not a real parent unless you have more than one child.”

I completely lost it.

My family has always said shit like this to me. “You’re not a man until you get married.” I get married. “You’re not a man until you own a home.” I buy a house. “You’re not a man until you have a kid.” Now my wife is pregnant; I can’t wait for their next creative way to tell me I’m not a man :rolleyes:. I’m guessing your sister is older? I think when someone has their thumb on you your whole life and they start to feel like you’re slipping out from underneath it they have to start resorting to increasingly drastic measures to make them still feel like they’re bigger and better than you.

[WhyNot]

@MandaJo

There’s no point, obviously, in offering advice, but at some point listening silently starts to feel like condoning things that I really disagree with. It’s really awkward.

That’s when I find The Stare to be the most useful. Just keep staring at her until she gets uncomfortable and changes the subject.

For really clueless cases, The Stare, a pause and a dramatic “ANYWAY…” as you turn away and talk to someone else might be required. It’s rude as all hell, but it’s unmistakable in its not-agreeingness.

[thirdwarning]

WhyNot, have I told you lately how much I like you?

We don’t agree on much, but sometimes it seems like we agree on everything.

[Unauthorized_Cinnamon]

@MandaJo

There’s no point, obviously, in offering advice, but at some point listening silently starts to feel like condoning things that I really disagree with. It’s really awkward.

What I do is try to make noises that sound sympathetic, but don’t actually agree with what they’re doing. For instance -

Friend: My three year old screams at the top of her lungs in the car, and sometimes when she keeps doing it and won’t stop, I pull over, take her out of the car, and pretend to drive away.
Me: Oh, wow.
Friend: Yeah, it’s hilarious, she thinks I’m actually leaving her.
Me: (not laughing) I’m sure she’s terrified.

[Scarlett67]

@MandaJo

There’s no point, obviously, in offering advice, but at some point listening silently starts to feel like condoning things that I really disagree with. It’s really awkward.

I’m not a parent, so of course any of my commentary would not be welcome. In one particular case, I simply backed off from the friendship (for that and other reasons). I didn’t feel that I would be able to keep my mouth shut much longer. I just couldn’t watch the trainwreck any longer.

[LifeOnWry]

@torie

I am formula feeding, co-sleeping, vaccinating, and feeding only organic solids.
I’m so all over the map that no one likes me. I don’t parent based on a book or a philosophy, I parent based on my child.

I was a breastfeeding wherever, sometimes co-sleeping, solids at 5/6 months, vaccinating, pacifier-friendly, no toy guns but Barbies are OK, no TV but let the kid listen to Hair and George Carlin and read whatever she wants, public-schooling, non-Christian, non-antibiotic-ing, let the kid color her hair whatever ridiculous shade she wants it’s just HAIR for pete’s sake, parent. No one likes me either. But my kid is now a healthy, happy, relatively normal 18-year old college student with no major issues, so shrug I don’t care what anyone else thinks.

My five-years-younger sister, whose kids are 4 and 6 years younger than mine, has never given me parenting advice, but she’s never let ANYTHING I’ve done go without criticism. Guess who has problem children?

[appleciders]

@autz

I got fussed at for not having my 10 year old son in a car seat.

He’s above the age, height and weight requirements and is in middle school.

But I was told that I just wasn’t taking the safest option. I guess he should still be in a crib too.

Jesus! I’d be more worried about the abuse he’d get at school from his friend for riding in a car seat than any tiny* advantage in a crash.

*I know car seat are important for infants and toddlers, but any gain for a 10 year old must be marginal at best.

[Aangelica]

There’s always my older sister the genuis’ method for discouraging the “You must breastfeed or you’re a bad mother” crowd.*

gesture at her boobs “These are fake. I had breast cancer a few years ago - double mastectomy. Thanks for your concern, though. And have you had a mammogram recently?”

*She tried to breastfeed - she tried hard, actually. But after two months it was making both her and her daughter miserable and her daughter wasn’t thriving so she said “Screw this” and went to formula. Things improved dramatically - and immediately.

[vix]

Our son has some relatively minor speech issues and is in speech therapy. For a few months, however, we (and the speech therapist) were concerned that his problems were much more severe. I can not tell you how many people told me that a) they knew someone who was a late talker and who is fine now, b) they didn’t think he had a problem or (my favorite) c) Einstein didn’t talk until he was three.

[Lissla_Lissar]

Oh, don’t worry about him! He’ll be fine!
I’m a little disappointed that no one tried to fondle my baby without my permission, or rub my stomach when I was pregnant. I didn’t get to do the Death Glare.

[Typo]

@eleanorigby

*we learned a salient lesson from first baby. If at all possible, don’t have MIL or mother come until Family (new mom, dad and babie[s]) have adjusted, say 3-5 days. Otherwise it’s hell. And when they do come to visit; give them chores to do. IOW, be ruthless and say it’s all to help the newborn, even if they’re taking your car to get its oil changed. I know that if I am fortunate enough to become a grandmother, I will scrub the floor or whatever for my child. You know, actually be of help.

Amen, amen, and amen. Holding the baby so I can do the chores isn’t quite the help I had envisioned. Baby can lie in her crib just fine while I do the chores.

Otherwise, I am just profoundly grateful I have (thus far) escaped most of the battles described here. No one seems to care whether I breast or bottle feed Baby. My mother’s response (bless her) was basically to shrug and say “parenting changes over the years, and it’s your baby. You’ve got a nice healthy baby, so you’re clearly doing something right.”

[AT_Love]

@Lissla_Lissar

I’m a little disappointed that no one tried to fondle my baby without my permission, or rub my stomach when I was pregnant. I didn’t get to do the Death Glare.

I was a little disappointed too especially since I was so freaked out during my entire pregnancy that some stranger would grope me.

My mil who had no hand in raising my husband(he was adopted, she was a 17 year old drunk when she had him) says the cereal in a bottle thing and this is what caps me loathing her: When the baby was about 3 months old I went to visit my sister and the second I was on the plane the mil gave him his first solids. I was livid that she took that away from me not to mention he did not need them yet, and livid that she of all people thinks she knows anything about raising children.

Her advice that was so freakin’ off the wall though was “If the baby won’t sleep, put a blanket on the dryer , plop the baby on top, and just keep running it”.