Unsolicited and Crazy Parenting Advice

The BBQ Pit
61

Happily, my parents and in-laws both held to the above philosophy. My daughter was the first grandchild on both sides and all the grandparents were content to love and cuddle her when they saw her, ooh and ahh over her milestones, sit comfortably in the room with me as I breastfed (my dad asked questions out of curiosity like “How can you tell when she’s done?” or “Do you have to alternate sides?”), buy her cute clothes, and nonchalantly watch her for a couple of hours so we could go out to dinner or a movie. I was blessed and I realized that even before reading the horror stories in this thread.

When I’m doing the mom-bragging-about-the-kid thing, my MIL has on many occasions commented that I should be taking some credit for raising such an awesome daughter. (Said daughter is now 24 and was married to her soul mate two months ago–that’s another whole thread!) I love my MIL!

My own mother, whose life lessons over the years I constantly find myself parroting, stepped in two times to “interfere.” The first time was when she came to stay with me for a few days when Lyss was newly born (my husband worked long hours including nights, and I had a C-section so was not quite in tip-top shape). I got up to breastfeed in the middle of the night, sitting in a weird 60’s hand-me-down chair which was the only thing we could afford (i.e. free). Mom found me struggling there and said, “This will not do.” The next morning she went to a local furniture store and bought a glider rocker with footstool which was delivered that afternoon. The other instance was when the little one was about a month old, crying and wouldn’t be comforted by any means. Mom suggested swaddling her–wrapping her rather snugly in a receiving blanket which immediately soothed her. I’d not heard of it, but it worked.

If other people offered unwelcomed advice, I must have tuned it out because I can’t recall it. And yeah, it’s been awhile since I had a little one, but I know I was lucky. I feel for you young moms–just do what you know is right for you and your kid. Try to let the criticisms be just static in the background.

62

There’s an aspect I hate about eating with Marriedbro, The Kidlet and SiL. Two weeks ago, we all had lunch together and, as usual, the Parental Units were complaining about The Kidlet “not eating us well!” (direct translation of an expression I absolutely loathe, as my favorite pediatrician used to say “he’s not supposed to eat you, ma’am, that’s cannibalism”).

The Kidlet will be 3yo in October. The portions they set for him were as big as his father’s, bigger than his mother’s. Can I commit siblingicide now, please? :smack:

63

I’d just have to ask that person if they’d like to go for a ride and strap THEM in a car seat. Seriously.

64

I had to laugh at something I overheard at a breakfast joint the other morning. Seated at a large table was a family, Mom Dad and 3 or 4 kids and Grandma. One little boy was picking at his pancakes and sausage but drank his whole glass of choco milk. Grandma didn’t think he ate enough. SO every 5 minutes or so she would try to cajole him into eating something. But he wouldn’t obviously he was full. But Grandma kept trying to get him to eat. I noticed the parents were very quiet and didn’t say anything about it.

Before too long the kids start getting antsy and the boy asks to be excused to go outside and wait near the car. He gets permission and before he leaves Grandma says to wrap up a sausage link and take it with him to eat in the car. Dutifully the boy wraps a link in a napkin but says he doesnt want to eat it, Grandma says you’ll be hungry soon (for a cold greasy link? yuk) and then the funny part, the little sister pipes up and calls out " go outside and throw it in the woods" and the parents snort with stifled laughter. Grandma clucked and then pouted.

65

Some people just don’t know when they should keep their mouths shut. Once someone said to me, “My mother always said you weren’t human unless you had kids.” Gee, thanks. I don’t expect you to know from looking at me that I have fertility issues and can’t realistically have my own, but you might have considered that a total stranger wouldn’t necessarily appreciate your mother’s “wisdom.” :rolleyes:

Anyway, I have two great little nephews. My mom and sister have never really gotten along well as adults, so I’m the sounding board for all my mother’s fears and criticisms about how my sister and BIL are raising the boys. It’s all the usual stuff - the kids aren’t eating enough/properly, they don’t get enough rest, omigod they’re being forced into indentured servitude by making them do chores, etc. I think she hopes that some percentage of what she says to me will be passed on “anonymously” to my sister, despite the fact that I have said repeatedly that I would never give my opinions unless my sister asked - and chances of that are about as good as a snowball in hell. :stuck_out_tongue:

Re the breastfeeding thing, I remember quite well having a conversation with a male co-worker/friend around the time Nephew #1 was born. He asked if my sister was breastfeeding, and I said that she’d tried but needed to give up because my nephew wasn’t getting enough milk. (I was not about to get into the reasons why with him, thankyewverymuch.) He then started to go off on how my sister simply wasn’t trying hard enough, and impugning her judgment as a mother, until (finally) I must have been glaring sufficiently hard that he realized he needed to change the subject. Turned out that his wife was a counselor for La Leche, and he thought he’d do a little evangelizing on her behalf. :rolleyes:

66

I love the Breastfeeding is best people. When Spike was still nursing, Mrs Magill was having serious trouble keeping up with him. (He’s no baby; he’s an inhuman eating machine.) Spike and I were in the Costco picking up diapers and formula when this person comes up and starts telling me how we should really breastfeed. I looked her straight in the eye, and told her that I’d keep that in mind next time my child’s mother doesn’t die in childbirth.

Yes, I was trolling. I had just had enough of this shit from [del]know-it-all jerks[/del] well-meaning people.

67

Oh, I hate watching the food battles! When my cousin was little, there’d be endless, “Get back here to the table! You need to eat three more bites!” interruptions and fights. So annoying. My recent favourite toddler-parent food interaction was watching my kid’s godparents feed their daughter. She merrily ran back and forth between them, and grabbed bites off their plates until she was full. No fighting, no fussing.

68

Oh! I can’t tell you how many times I was told that I just wasn’t trying hard enough!!
I wasn’t able to breastfeeed with either of my kids. I tried everything I was told to try, I even rented a breast pump and pumped 357 times a day so I could at least get breast milk into my kids somehow. I was never able to pump more than an ounce or so. My Pediatrician (Dr. Wonderful) told me to quit stressing about it and handed my a case of formula.
When my youngest was a few years old, I had breast reduction surgery. They did a pathology report on the removed tissue. Lo and behold, I had severally malformed milk ducts. So, no, I really couldn’t breast feed. I so wanted to take copies of my path report and a staple gun and find all those people who told me “you just aren’t trying hard enough” and staple the report to their foreheads!!

69

I am filing this (and other lines from this thread) away in case I need them when I have kids.

70

My sister did have to stop breastfeeding when her youngest was about six months old due to breast cancer. A year of mastectomy, chemo, and radiation later she is fine - but the LAST thing she needed during that time was “helpful” advice about how important breastfeeding was.

71

Wow, I guess I was really lucky. The worst that ever happened with either of my kids when they were little was my MIL would feed my daughter anything she wanted to eat for breakfast. It was when I found her feeding a 2-year-old Triscuits for breakfast that I asked her to please let me feed the kids even at her house. She was a sweet woman, though, so it was never an issue again.

As for the whole BF thing, I was born in India in the 1950s, so my mom pretty much had to breastfeed, which was fine with her since her mom had breastfed all her kids. Interestingly, my father’s mother hated even the concept of breastfeeding, so when my dad was born in 1923 proceeded to feed him on Eagle Brand. Which is the equivalent of condensed milk and Karo syrup. I didn’t realize that non-BF options were available that early. But when I opted to BF both my kids, my mom was not only supportive but actually helpful, having been through it herself.

And I honestly don’t recall unsolicited parenting advice from strangers. Either it didn’t happen, or I’ve totally blocked it from memory. Either one is fine with me. :slight_smile:

72

Supposedly, that actually works for some babies. They find the sound or the motion soothing. When I was a baby, my parents would sometimes drive me around in the car to get me to sleep. It worked. I think the dryer thing is another version of this (though you would, of course, have to take precautions to make sure the baby won’t roll off the dryer).

73

It is the people who are insecure about their own choices that feel the need to push or convince others to do things the same way as them. When they get someone else to listen to them, it makes them feel validated.

I am convinced that a lot of the grandparent interfering issues are just insecurities - there is a lot of new information out there about raising children, and when some people see that people are doing it differently now, it makes them feel defensive. Like they did it wrong or were bad parents in their time. Whenever I get this kind of ‘help’ from people, I try to keep in mind that this is their issue, not mine.

Others are just insecure as parents. They think there is a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to do things, and if they did it one way and you are doing it another way, that means someone is wrong.

When parents are secure in their own choices, they don’t evangelize. They just do what is best for their children and their family. If someone asks me for advice, I will share with them what worked for me and my children, but I am careful to state just that - that it worked for me.

74

The good news: my mother thinks I’m a great mom and tell me this often.

The bad news: my mother thinks my sister is a bad mother and very frequently tells her, “Why don’t you raise your children like Autz does? They’d be much better off. Your daughter would be a new person if you’d just send her to Autz’s house for a couple of weeks!”

Thanks mom. Way to promote sisterly bonding.
By the way, my sister semi-spoils her kids, but nothing terrible.

75

My husband did this for a while. Finally, I dragged him to the pediatrician with me and asked her how much our son should eat. She said he should eat until he’s done and that pushing food on him would only backfire. She also added that most young children with eating disorders she’d met had had them induced by well-meaning relatives forcing food on them (whether certain amounts or certain types) or taking it away when the adult decided the kid was done. I wasn’t trying to get a “so there” in to my husband, but he just wasn’t listening to me, so I wanted him to hear it from the professionals.

Speaking of professionals, I got verbally shit on in the hospital, too by one of the nurses. We were talking about getting my son circumcised. I was on the fence, but we eventually decided to do it (don’t even get into that argument on parenting boards), but although we were fine with a topical pain killer, we didn’t want them to give him a sugar-water-coated pacifier because we heard that sugar water could negatively affect breastfeeding and I was already having trouble; however, we were fine with a plain one. When we asked the nurse not to give him sugar water but just the pacifier, she gave me the most withering look and asked, “Oh, so you want your baby to cry?” Why, yes, you sanctimonious bitch, I absolutely LOVE the thought of my child in pain. By the way, I’m recovering from eclampsia, have a catheter in and a migraine. But if you’d step closer and repeat that, I’ll bet I have the strength to strangle you with my IV.

76

[donning flame retardant suit]

Look, on the breastfeeding thing…the only problem I really have is that we’ve let the formula industry change the way we think about nursing by the language they, and in turn we, use. We’ve made formula the default and nursing an extra-special thing you can do to INCREASE IQ a few points, to DECREASE the risks of diabetes and obesity and yadda yadda yadda. When in any rational situation, we take the most natural state as normal and the artificial cultural or medical intervention as the shift. So if we were being honest, we wouldn’t say that breastfeeding increases IQ a few points, we’d admit that formula feeding might decrease IQ a few points (and if that’s what you gotta risk, that’s what you gotta risk to have a living baby if Mom can’t/won’t breastfeed.) By saying that “breast is best” or “breastmilk is optimal”, we make it into this holy grail that only the few perfect mothers can achieve. It isn’t. It’s just normal.

My goddaughter has Type I diabetes and an insulin pump. And that’s great and awesome and yay, she’s still alive. But no one tries to convince anyone that an insulin pump is “nearly as good” or “just a choice” - we’d all rather she had a functioning pancreas! Having a functioning pancreas is normal - being on an insulin pump is subpar.

Formula feeding isn’t as good as breastmilk from a healthy woman. Period. Yes, it’s a medical intervention some people have to make. Yes, it’s a choice some people choose to make. But I can respect their right to make that choice and bite my tongue (and I do) without thinking it’s the best choice, or that it’s equal to breastfeeding.

And that goes for myself - I had to supplement about 1/2 and 1/2 due to a low milk supply and exclusive pumping (for 14 months). And that sucks. I did the best I could, sure (because there are no milk banks here once you’re out of the hospital), and I don’t throw myself on the altar of motherhood shrieking mea culpas about it. But my daughter didn’t receive normal nutrition any more than my goddaughter is receiving normal blood sugar regulation. She received the best I could manage, but no, it’s not just the same.
See The Language of Breastfeeding by Diane Wiessinger, MS, IBCLC for a better explanation of what I mean.

77

Um…on second thought, that might be better as the OP of a new thread, if anyone cares about it at all. I apologize for the hijack, but it’s too late for me to redact it now. C’est la vie.

78

Ah, yes. The ever-present Intake Issue. It doesn’t stop with breastfeeding vs formula!

As a parent, I just don’t give a rat’s patootie what my kidlet eats as long as she gets a healthy balance of food throughout the day. [disclaimer1]

With that in mind, she does go through phases of “picky eating.” [disclaimer2] One of these phases happened when we were scheduled to go to Easter dinner at my sister’s place last year. No biggie, I thought. I schlepped along a tupperware of sweet potatoes, peas, and pasta (her food du jour) so she could eat at the table with the rest of us folks who were scarfing down rosemary garlic lamb and parmesan-sprinkled asparagus. [disclaimer3] As the only child present, I think she’s done very well with manners at these events. She politely says “no thank you” to the foods she doesn’t want, and sits in her seat until the adults are all groaning about post-dessert coffee versus couch naps.

My (as yet childless) brother in law has made it clear that this year, Littlest will eat the food that is presented or she will not eat. They will not change the menu based on her preferences (which I wouldn’t dream of asking) nor am I to bring food for her (go ahead, tell me someone is jealous of her cold macaroni and peas).

Truth be told, I plan on ignoring him. Littlest is my kid, and I get to pick the battles I’m going to fight with her. He doesn’t have to deal with the aftermath. That doesn’t stop him from telling me how I should parent.

Weft
[disclaimer1] I do make her eat at least one bite of every food I make that she scorns if she hasn’t actually tasted it in the past year. She eats better than a lot of her peers. More importantly, she’s exactly perfect weight- and health-wise… and we don’t have arguments about food, reducing the chance of food-related disorders in her future.

[disclaimer2] Littlest is happy eating raw peas with every meal (which I find horrifying, but hey they’re healthy). Except that one month when she wouldn’t eat any veggie but broccoli. And tomatoes were her fav-or-ite food until one day she decided they were yucky, so it’s carrots or corn only… but casually mentioned her desire for 'maters a few weeks after that. Cabbage yes, cabbage and onions no. That’s what I’m talking about when I say “picky phase.”

[disclaimer3] I knew the menu beforehand and checked to see if any of it was on her mental “eat this week” list. No? More for me! And yes, she tried exactly two bites of lamb at my insistence.

79

What’s so off the wall about that? It works. Vibrations are soothing for infants. That’s why some parents take them for rides in cars, and many bassinets and seats have a vibrator built in.
Abbeytxs said the same thing,just with a car seat instead of a blanket.

80

But not giving your child what’s “normal” has a great deal more of an impact on the ol self esteem than not having a normal pancreas.
Maybe that’s why the language is different. Because most people don’t like to say, “My breasts are malfunctioning and therefore my children are getting abnormal nutrition.” Or whatever the reason may be.
I think it has more to do with how mothers feel about themselves and less to do with an evil formula conspiracy.