Update: Life Still Sucks Here Too

I’ll get back on the pity train 'cause none of my friends are online so what the fuck.

So as previously detailed, by marriage fell apart. So that’s great.

Just today I got in shit because I gave a personal recommendation to a woman who used to work for a customer. Nice lady. But her former employer is cyberstalking her, apparently, found my recommendation, and complained that this would mean I cannot audit them anymore (I’m an ISO 9001 auditor.) So I got in shit for that, as it costs us money and trouble to send someone else.

Oh, and due to my marriage collapsing I’m behind in paperwork and I’m in shit for that, too.

My soon-to-be-ex-wife got strep throat again and was told she had to get her tonsils and adenoids (sp?) out. Her boss fired her for that. He likes firing people. He gave her just enough money to avoid a lawsuit. Well, at least she could get the surgery done, right? It went down today, and day surgery is now at-least-two-days-in-the-hospital surgery because she keeps bleeding and they don’t know why.

Still no dates, by the way, like I’d have time.

It is critical to understand I have done nothing to deserve the repeated ball-kicks. It’s not my fault my wife had a midlife crisis and started actying like a teenager. It’s not my fault she’s lost THREE jobs (I concede the last one isn’t her fault) in one year. It’s not my damned fault everyone in my company is doing the work of two people and this chick I did a really nice thing for got cyberstalked by a mean ex-employer. I’ll be fucked if I know what my personal ads do to scare chicks away, aside from the obvious. And now I’m scared my sort-of-ex-wife might be really, really sick, which fucks things up an order of magnitude more.

I haven’t fucked around, I haven’t done anything immoral or dishonest, haven’t taken any stupid risks, I’ve been a good husband and father and devoted employee and I honest to God try my best every day. I try to resolve problems constructively and with an eye towards fairness for myself and other people. Really. I’m smart, kind, generous and sincere, but at the same time I refuse to be a pushover. And yet if I get fucked in the ass one more time I’m going to have to start asking people to make reservations for anus-pounding appointments.

What the FUCK is going on?

I could use just one fucking break right now. Really, just one fucking break. I’m trying to make my own breaks and everything blows up in my face like an exploding cigar.

Hey, sucks to be you. We’ve all been there. There’s a common theme with the other guy crying in the pit, woman fucks you over, and you still care about her. Get over it. If she’s really sick, then there is justice in the world. Sounds harsh, but I doubt she lost any sleep over what happened to you. And you gave another woman a recommendation. Did that get you laid? Don’t make that mistake again.
Lucky people find enduring happiness in life. The rest of us get up every day, and join the struggle.

Bad things always do seem to come in waves; you do your best to ride them out until things start to even out again. Things will get better. Am I allowed to say that in the Pit?

tuff luv ur doin it rong

This is about all anyone can say. Life just isn’t fair; you don’t deserve what you’re getting, but you’re getting it anyway, and there isn’t much you can do about it.

To spout a platitude that is actually true, life is 5% what happens to you and 95% what you make of it. Can you find something every day to be grateful about? You have some very serious trouble going on right now, but you still have many good things in your life that are being overshadowed by the rotten things. Focusing on the good things will help you feel better and deal with everything that’s going on.

Your life sucks because you’ve not focused on making your life not suck. Sounds like now you’re focusing on making some other poor woman’s life suck, too. What is up with all the people with shit lives and not even divorced yet desperately looking to date? Are you really unable to focus on yourself and your kids right now, which sounds like something you really need to do? Bringing another woman into your life right now will not make your life better (only you can do that), it will only make her life worse. Grieve, grow, and change, and *then *look for women.

Why the hell are you “dating” (or trying to) in the middle of this insane shitstorm? Get past the divorce, then shore up your life, then date. You’re going to lose your job if you don’t get focused on priorities, and then life will really suck.

You have a job and time to recover your life. You are not being singled out and you are not being punished for anything. It’s just your turn in the barrel, that’s all.

I’m with **Alice **on this one, sad to say, RickJay. You get a lot of sympathy from me, I’ve been there during and after my divorce and I have to say the women I dated for about four years deserve some kind of gold medal for putting up with me. I was a wreck, and really wasn’;t datable for quite a while, thouigh that didn;t stop me either.

I’m going through this from the other side now–I’m eighteen years separated (as of yesterday) and dating a lot of women who describe themselves as “divorced” but are really only separated (and in many cases, not even legally separated) and it’s a bright red line for me–stay away!!! As I’ve learned the hard way. People just don’t behave like themselves while they’re going through shit like yours, much as they would like to think so. They rattle on and on and on about their ex-, they’re all kinds of bitter (even if they convinced themselves they’re not), and they’re clueles as to where they really want to go from here. They’re undatable. I’m afraid you’re categorically one of them.

So what to do? For me, work was a release. I worked like a dog (while trying to date, mind you), I published two books, I got tenure, I worked all sorts of committees in my university, and I became known as the guy you were likely to find if you got into the office on a Sunday. Eventually, I started having fun, and started finding women to have fun with, but it was a slow go. I wish I’d cut my losses more, and just resigned myself to a period of no-dating and spared the female population my presence.

Holy crap, that’s a whole heap of shit that’s been thrown at you in a short space of time. Really hope things improve for you soon. Take good care of yourself.

Skip dating - the physical release isn’t going to help and winding up with some sort of emotional bandage of a girlfriend is only going to complicate things.

Get back to work. You’re no good to you daughter if you’re unemployed. The recommendation problem can happen to anyone so relax.

Your ex-wife is only your problem in so far as her health impacts your daughter. You likely already know that but acting on it probably isn’t the easiest thing in the world.

On the upside the Sens are looking better this season, the Leafs continue to be appalling and in week or so you can take your daughter apple picking to get out of whatever rut you may be in. Hell I’d almost suggest a vacation somewhere other than Toronto if you’ve got the days available.

Good luck.


RickJay, get yourself some counseling. It’s someone to vent to, and the counselor can potentially help you develop coping strategies to help you through all of these problems.

When bad things happen to good people all you can say is: You don’t deserve this and I hope you get through it as cleanly as possible. I firmly believe in seasons in life and I hope this particularly shitty one is short.

I understand the urge to start dating again in the probably-too-soon stages (especially when you’re not the party at fault), as it feels like loneliness is a punishment inflicted on you for a crime you didn’t commit. I’ve got no advice for you there. When you’re really ready to be back in the dating world you’ll look back at now and realise how unready you were, but from here it probably looks to you like you’re fine and coping and doing really well. You are, and then again you’re not.

Anyway, all the best to you. Strength and fortitude and luck and determination and eventually, there will be a new season, a new life and you’ll even get to experience happiness again (honest!). Hang in there.

Look, when things like this happen, you comfort yourself by reminding yourself that there is no plan. Nobody is looking down on you from Mount Olympus and fucking up your life for their own amusement. Your problems didn’t occur because you’re a bad person, or because God hates you. Sometimes lightning strikes out of the sky, and it isn’t because Thor wanted you dead, it’s because you were at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Ah yes, the “it’s-yer-own-damn-fault” blow-off. Tell ya what: Next time I hear a chick bellyachin’ about having been raped, I’m gonna use this line: “You got raped because you didn’t focus on NOT getting raped.” Or maybe to a father of three who just lost his job: “Your family lost its livelihood because you didn’t focus hard enough on NOT losing your job.” Similarly to depressed folks: “You’re just depressed 'cause you wanna be. Focus on NOT being depressed, and snap out of it already!”


If the OP is telling the truth, he has a full-blown goddamn right to complain, complain loudly, and not be insulted by folks who employ snark as an art form, gratia se.

RickJay, it sounds like you are going through a rough patch right now. I don’t think that any of this is your fault. If I were you I would focus on my kids, my job and myself. Your soon to be ex really isn’t your problem anymore except to the extent that it impacts your kids.

If I were you, I wouldn’t think of dating. Right now, you want to get the rest of your life back on track. Get yourself caught up at work, and let yourself grieve for the lost relationship. When all of the turmoil has passed and the divorce is finalized, then I would consider dating again.

I agree with you 100%. I refuse to date anyone going through a divorce or recently divorced. All of them are always “just fine, thank you, no drama here!” and they never are. I am even more cautious if they are “just fine”… how can something so profound as a divorce no affect you?

I have worked to hard to keep things peaceful and friendly in my divorce to be bogged down in someone else’s dramas.

By all means, go out, have fun. Find yourself again.
If you really have a need to date, post your ad here. I have seen a lot of truly helpful advice here at the dope in regards to such things.

By the way, there’s a support group for people in this situation; it’s called ‘Everybody’. We meet at the bar.

(On a serious note, sorry for your troubles, try not to let the kid suffer to whatever extent you can)

But he’s not focused on making his life not suck- he’s focused on chasing the pussy. How is this compatible with building a new and better life, emotionally getting over his marriage ending, and building a new and happy life for his kid(s)? It’s not- it’s selfish and unnecessary right now.

Good luck with that rape thing, though (because it’s exactly the same)- let me know how that works out for you. rolleyes rolleyes rolleyes