The Inescapable Fact Is That Things Are Going To Shit Around Me

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Oh, it could always be worse, but I have to vent.

My marriage isn’t quite dead but it’s at the Terry Schiavo stage. My wife last year went through a sort of midlife crisis/reversion to being a teenager thing and has pretty much sunk the entire works. If you go back long enough I’m sure I could have done X, Y and Z to add spice to the marriage or some damned thing, but she was the one who started having sex with other guys, engaging in self destructive behaviour, and just generally being a horrible person four days out of seven, a total reversal of eleven years of the way she’d acted before. I do have some self respect, so I’ve had enough of that. But when you’re 38 years old and have spent a life building a family and a career and security and are suddenly stuck living in a rented condo on a super thrifty budget and you’re shutting your kid back and forth, well, you sure don’t feel like you’re making a lot of progress.

I’m willing to move on but my carefully crafted online dating profiles are sunk, I would assume, by the fact that I have a kid, an instant klaxon horn run-away signal to most women. So that’s not working well.

My parents are getting older at a rate of a year every two months and now THEY’RE on the verge of splitting up, which frankly I would not have a problem with because they’ve hated each other for as long as I can remember but getting six phone calls a day of them complaining about each other to me is really, really getting on my nerves.

I’d talk to my friends about this but by the most bizarre of circumstances all of them are simultaneously in the late stages of their wives being pregnant and are struggling enough with that and their jobs as it is, or else their marriages are falling apart, too.

Oh, and because of all this I’m fighting off wild mood swings that reduce my productivity at work and that’s adding to my stress as well.

And my softball team is 6-17 and I’m hitting for shit so even that’s not as fun as it could be.

Like I said, it could be worse, but it’s all happening at once and I can say with total sincerity that I did not fucking deserve any of it. I am one of the most standup guys I know, a devoted husband and father - well, I was devoted on the husband bit but I’ve had enough - and a good friend and not THIS bad a ballplayer and everything’s going to shit anyway.

So, I had to complain. Carry on. And if you know any single ladies around 30-38 in the west GTA, I’m a hell of a catch.

2

Cite?
As good as it can be to have someone to do things (have sex) with, there are times when it’s not such a good idea to date. You’re not even divorced yet, right? It’s not necessarily the fact that you have a child that is keeping the online daters away- if you’re honest in your profile about your current situation, that alone would keep a lot of women away.

Why don’t you take a lot of pressure off of yourself by cutting the pussy search for a little while and deal with the things that you must?

3

Well, hell. I’m sorry to hear all that, RickJay.

4

FWIW, an anonymous peon on the Internets over here has always thought you sound like a pretty stand-up dad too.

Can’t speak to your softball skills though.

5

Holy shit, RickJay, I’m absolutely speechless. All that I can say is that you’re absolutely right, you don’t deserve this at all. I hope that something, anything, comes up to turn things around for you.

6

Well, you got a hell of a sense of humor. They can’t take that away from you.

7

I’m genuinely sad to hear about this.

From what I’ve been able to glean from across the electron void, you do indeed seem like a total stand-up guy who’d be great to go to a ball game with. Life and the indifferent universe are what they are, but I do hope you find yourself firmly back on your feet soon.

8

Yes, sorry to hear that Rick. I wasn’t aware of your problems; all I knew is that you had a young child (which I’m sure can cause stress) but I thought you were otherwise doing great. Even though we may not agree on much, you’re a poster who usually makes me think, and I hope your situation improves soon.

Or, to say it in fewer words, {{{{RickJay}}}}. :slight_smile:

9

Jeez - that’s shitty.

Sorry you’re having such a rough time. FWIW, I would think that the ‘not quite divorced’ is more of a turn off than the ‘have a kid’ thing for the ladies (I know it would be for me) and the ‘not quite divorced’ is going to be much easier to change.

10

I’ve got to agree with Alice to some extent. This is NOT the time to be looking for your next wife. You’ve got to deal with what is on your plate now. Get your situation straightened out to the point where you are again content enough with your life, and then worry about dating.

Well, fuck. OK, that sucks. You could shoot yourself.

Or not. It’s a regal shitstorm from the sounds of it. Horrible. But you don’t–you can’t–expect to fix it all at once. You must accept that you will are up shit creek at the moment. You must also believe that you won’t stay there.

'Cause you won’t. Things WILL get better. The divorce will end, shared custody of your child will become normal, your parents will settle their issues, you’ll find a friend you can talk to, you’ll become productive at work, and when the doctor tells you you’ll be able to hit, you’ll say, “Great, I never could before!”

But it won’t happen tomorrow, and it can’t happen tomorrow. Just slog through the shit. There’s a brighter hill past it.

11

I sort of agree, but if his wife has cut him off while she’s out fucking around, it sounds as if getting some isn’t an unreasonable goal right now. Maybe not the top thing he has to deal with, but certainly worth going after if he can.

12

Holy cats, Rick, this is a surprise.

FWIW, you seem to me to be one of the most standup guys we’ve got on this board. Straight shooter, pulls no punches. I’ve disagreed with you before, but you’ve always made me think. Still, you don’t deserve this.

But you’re stuck with it. Best I can suggest is that you keep working at your job, keep on being a good Dad to your child (remember, he/she is an innocent in this matter), and don’t do anything you might regret later. By that, I mean leave the ladies alone for now. Regroup, and take some time to think about where you’d like to be, but now is not the time to chase women just because you’re trying to get back at your wife somehow. A rash decision now will likely be something you’ll regret later.

I’ve been in somewhat the same situation. PM me if you’d like. And hang in there–things will get better.

13

Tell those parents of yours not to call unless they have something positive to say. That’s one thing you CAN do to alleviate some of your stress. Sorry to hear about all the bad stuff.

14

Fuck, that sucks RickJay. Despite your occasional Tony La Russa and Joss Whedon-bashing ways ( how can you not like waif-fu and 23 pitching changes an inning? :wink: ), I’ve always liked you a lot as a poster. Smart, straight shooter, sense of humor, balanced world view.

I don’t have a shred of solid advice for you ( though the holding-off-on-dating-for awhile-thing makes sense to me ). But best of luck in getting through and out of this trough.

15

Some people think it’s *always *worth going after. But dating is hard even with a perfect and financially easy life, and perhaps not such a good idea at this time. I know that if I were the OP and I were on a mission to reduce my stress, I would put trying to meet women on hold for now. Of course, if he’s only on a mission to vent and gripe, then he should carry on. Nothing wrong with that either.

16

And just to add insult to injury, I’m moving this thread to MPSIMS.

Seriously, though, that sucks, man. I hope things turn around for you soon.

17

Sorry to hear that, Rick; like others, I’ve always been a fan of your online persona.

As long as we’re all throwing out advice of limited utility, I’ll tell you something that I’m sure you already know: be careful about letting slip your displeasure with your wife (even subtly) in front of daughter, both now and going forward. My parents divorced when I was 5, and it wasn’t really a problem for me. They communicated, stayed civil (friendly, actually), and always spoke highly of each other.

Anyway, keep your head up, and resist the temptation to turn off your brain. Make good decisions, you know?

18

Bummer. Despite it all, you still seem to have a pretty good grip on things. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders and that will help.

I agree that being a father is not a turn-off at all. In fact, I don’t know if it’s my biological clock or what, but my heart skips a beat when I see online dating profiles with happy looking kids in it. Responsibility is hot.

I also agree that women are not going to bite until your status is “single” free and clear. Nobody wants to deal with the bitterness, lingering longing, possibility of reconciliation, custody issues, etc. of a fresh divorce. And if you think about it, it’s not really fair to ask them to do that. When you can say “Yeah, it’s a shame that it didn’t work out.” without too much anger or bitterness, then you’ll be ready to love again.

19

You know, I never heard anyone call it the female midlife crisis.
But I know EXACTLY what you are talking about.

20

RickJay, sorry to hear that.

One thing that might help you (well maybe not, but it’d make things quieter at least) is to warn each of your parents that you’re sorry to hear about their latest problems, but it’s not your place to be their marriage counselor or dumping ground, and that you really can’t fulfill that role for them any longer. Pull the “I’m your son, it’s not fair putting me in the middle and trying to make me choose” routine if you want. Thus you’ll talk to them but if “do you know what your (father/mother) did to me”-type stuff comes up, you don’t want to discuss it. If they persist, rush the call to a close.

My husband started doing this with his sister-in-law and her then-husband. They’d each call him (usually different nights, but not always), drunk, and bitch about what the other had been doing. He listened for a while, then told each of them, separately, that it’d really help if they got rid of the booze in the house. Each of them told him that the other wouldn’t do it. So then later he warned each that he’d already given them his best marriage counseling advice and they’d refused it, so he didn’t want to hear more about their troubles when they weren’t willing to work on it. Then if the topic didn’t change fast, he’d say he had to go and hang up. (There was a little turmoil for a while, but his sister-in-law came back around, and those two eventually divorced.)