Dude, I’ve had to deal with a big heapin’ plate o’ shit before, and I can honestly say that a) it will end, and b) you’ll be a stronger person for it. But knowing that isn’t especially consoling right now; it sure wasn’t when I was going through all of my problems.
The piece of advice that I can offer that will help is this. You’ve got enough problems that you don’t need to deal with anyone else’s. Set boundaries with your parents and enforce them. And find a counselor who can help you sort this out. I find that, when I’m dealing with a lot of stress, breaking it down into manageable and fixable issues makes it easier, and having a neutral person to work with and who can listen to you objectively is never a bad thing.
One more thing. I agree with the people who think that dating is a mistake. It’s just adding stress you don’t need and killing your self-esteem at the same time. You do have a lot to offer a woman, just not right now.
FWIW my friend’s wife left him Easter weekend, he’s already shacked up with another bird and about a billion times happier. He has a kid too.
I suspect women who are single parents aren’t going to be put off by the fact you’re a dad, they’re going to be happy that you probably understand what it’s like to be a parent and back on the dating scene.
Speak to your divorce lawyer before you put yourself on the dating market again, for sometimes ex-wives retaliate (regardless of their own infidelity) by frustrating parenting arrangements. Also discuss with your divorce lawyer whether or not you should be posting about anything personal on the internet, either venting here or posting personal ads.
Speak with a counsellor and a physician about your mood swings and stress, and speak with a counsellor about why it may or may not be the right time to move on to a new relationship.
RickJay, I am so sorry about your troubles. I went through something remarkably similar last year and though it was a very rough patch, I pulled through. I implore you to do what I did: be patient, keep your back elbow up, and concentrate on a level, even swing without trying to hit a dinger every pitch.
Sorry, couldn’t resist. I’ve enjoyed your posts as well and I wish you only the best.
Dude I know what you’re going through. My wife recently moved out and took the kids with her. Here I was thinking I’d found someone that wanted to be with me, and then not. She never even said a whole lot about it. Then after a bad argument she came back a few days later with a separation agreement.
Sorry I can’t help you with the hitting, actually I probably could, but all my shots go to short left, when ever I get up the whole team goes to one spot and just waits.
Don’t know what to say about the women either. Right now you’ve been burned, probably don’t want to go through that again. I don’t think too many women reply on those dating sites anyway do they?
I do know that you should keep up with your kid(s). That’s been the best part of this whole thing for me. I had a great time last night playing with my kids and they loved it. I wouldn’t bad mouth their mother in front of them either. Be the bigger person and just say things like she’s your mother or whatever. So far I’ve been good about that even though the oldest, who’s four, has started asking questions.
Tonight when I get home I’ll pm you with some books that I’ve been reading. There’s one on Amazon that’s only like $5 that’s really good. There’s a lot of info on being a single dad from the divorce and dating and such. Don’t think there’s much help for your swing in it though.
If you have any single female friends, I would suggest a Friends With Benefits or Fuck Buddy arrangement. I get that you’re missing nookie, but really, your life is in no shape for you to realistically be able to attempt any sort of relationship, with like, real intimacy in it or anything remotely resembling that.
So find a friend to have sex with only and no pouring your heart out about your woes to her after. Hit it and quit it – but make sure she’s cool with that arrangement before you take your pants off.
Oh, I have a lawyer, and got a signed separation agreement with custody arrangements nicely laid out. (We don’t fight about or around the kid, but still.) I may be depressed, but I’m not stupid.
Mike Schmidt said that if he tried to hit a home run, he couldn’t. If he came in a “swing-away” situation, he’d think more about the mechanics of what produced a home run: swing through the pitch, let his natural power take the ball where it needed to go.
Having been through a pretty crappy divorce in the past myself, I think that’s good advice to extrapolate to other situations. Let me echo the other posters here in saying that you are a stand up guy, RickJay. What I learned is that if I took care of the things that couldn’t take care of themselves, and didn’t worry too much about the the other things when life was tense…well, as Michael Jack would no doubt say you won’t hit a home run every swing, but you’ll hit enough of 'em. You’re enough of a stand up guy that remaining true to yourself will carry you through a lot of what seem like impossible situations.
My other advice to you is to start posting heavily, if that’s what you need: we’re here for you.
[sub]OK, maybe it wasn’t Mike Schmidt who said that. Maybe it was Harmon Killebrew. [/sub]
My immediate reaction upon reading your thread, however, is that you could probably eliminate some stress right off the bat by telling your parents to quit calling you to bitch about their own marriage when yours is falling apart. It is NOT your responsibility to be their shoulder to cry on, least of all not in this moment of personal crisis for you. It’s time to set sound boundaries.
I like Edward the Head’s advice, too – focus on your kid. Even in the middle of this shitstorm, there is joy to be found somewhere. Make it your personal mission to find some.
I have to admit I don’t have much to add that others haven’t already said. You come across as a decent, level headed guy who is completely devoted to his kid. Really, from this Applied Science guy’s perspective it’s really only the fact that you did Commerce that keeps you from being great.
I will say that you should sit down and list out the stresses and sort them - Immediately in control, Potentially in control and Uncontrollable. Kill the 1st, mitigate the 2nd and stop worrying about the 3rd. Keep the munchkin close, avoid distractions and stay engaged with life. If you live like you post, you’ve likely already done that.
Yes, my kids were great last night, we did nothing but play for almost two hours and they loved it. Hell I loved it too. I’m sure they went home tired which is good for her as well. Play with them as much as possible and it will be a lot better for them as well as you.
RickJay, I’ve been there (at around your age, too) and understand how it sucks. I even made the error of attempting to get laid during the first few years after my traumatic divorce. I succeeded, in that I did find ladies willing to date a guy with several kids and several more worries (including impotence, though only when I was holding a softball bat) but MAN!! those were some rocky relationships. Try to get yourself laid if you must (and you probably must) but realize that those first few relationships are pretty well doomed. If were a women I’d never date someone going through a divorce (and for a guy, that’s still pretty good advice) but you gotta do what the biological imperative tells you you must.
There’s a school bus company in these parts with a name that always makes me smile: LAIDLAW. Every time I see one of those yellow buses, I think “That’s a good law, and a simple one: get yourself laid.” So I know where you’re coming from and it’s not a place you’re likely to take anyone’s advice. Just have your expectations adjusted appropriately.
