Rather than looking for dates, I’d say look for friends. We can all use more friends. And sometimes, those friendships will help you in ways you didn’t expect.
Make sure you have someone to confide in. Cut off your parents if they can’t talk about anything but their mutual hatred.
Take care of yourself and your kid. Sex is awesome, but be careful. It’s easy to overrate it if you’re feeling lousy.
Take things slowly. Be gentle with yourself. Grief can’t be rushed but it can be endured.
You may want to take a look at the “Surviving an Affair” forums over on http://www.marriagebuilders.com. Tell your story there and you’ll get lots of great advice–whether it’s to help you fix your marriage or how to be strong through the divorce.
Your post has a strong vibe of being Mr. Nice Guy . You’re a nice guy and people are taking advantage of you. You may also want to take a look at http://nomoremrniceguy.com. That’s more for self development to take control of your life. Women are good at taking advantage of nice guys. You need to man up and get what you want.
It sounds like you moved out of the house? Why did you do that? She’s the one who’s fooling around with other guys. She’s the one who wants the divorce. Let her live in the rented condo. Pack up your stuff today and move back into the master bedroom. Are you asking for primary custody? Fight for what you want. The current situtation sucks, but handle it in a way that you want. Do not have the attitude of “Woe is me. I’ll just give in to everything.” Be strong and get what you want and deserve.
I’m surprised it took this long for someone to ask, but it’s a good question that deserves an explanation.
The basic reason is logistical concerning our kid. My wife is always able to drop the Small One off at school, but cannot usually pick her up. I am sometimes able to drop her off, but usually not, but I can almost always pick her up. So we initially planned it around the assumption that the kid would be spending most overnights with my wife, but that I’d be picking her up every day. To her credit, the one thing my wife has not fucked up is being a Mom and engaging me as a Dad. Our kid comes first at all times and we’re going to lengths to ensure she’s happy with both parents. (The Small One’s doing just amazingly well, I am thrilled to report.) I am not interested in primary custody; I want shared custody, 50/50, as does she. It’s the one thing we seem to fully agree on.
As it happens, the kid spends half her evenings with me, which is fine with me; I found a place that’s bigger than I expected and has a lovely room for the Small One.
I was, however, very careful to ensure the legal agreement covers all necessary bases concerning custody, ownership of the house, and all that. Not one thing was left to chance. I don’t want to fight anymore and would like to just amicably split up in every regard but parenthood… but I don’t trust her, so I cover my ass with the law.
(And the condo’s nicer than the house and there’s no lawn to mow.)
These two quotes back-to-back struck me as a nice pair of “he said/she said” quotes.
I agree with everyone else who says worrying about no women wanting you because you have a kid is waaaay premature. I don’t think it will be like that, anyway, once your divorce is final and you’re in a healthy place to look for a serious relationship again - tons of women have kids, and I don’t see why they would care so much if you have one, too. Future women that you date will be suitable for you, not suitable for the guy you were eleven years ago, and I’m sure there will be plenty of them.
RickJay, sorry to hear about this. My thoughts are with you also.
For what it’s worth, one of my closest friends - best man at my wedding, and the most standup guy I know - had this exact thing happen. His wife went through a wild phase and destroyed their marriage, he did everything he could, but to no avail.
Flashforward a couple of years, he’s married again, happy, great relationship with the kids. She’s…isolated from her old life, and is continuing to make poor decisions.
You know, thinking about this, I worked with a guy who I thought had a solid marriage, then it turns out his wife of 15 (I think it was) years started fooling around with another guy we worked with, ending two marriages. The rumour was that she started having an affair because she was bored. Maybe women do go through a midlife crisis.
I’m really sorry RickJay. We’ve never interacted much but I’ve read your posts for years and agree with everyone else-I’ve always thought of you as a wonderful dad and nice person.
My brother is actually going through this right now - except his wife has decided she missed out on her childhood and she wants it now. She wants nothing to do with him or their three kids. To be fair they did marry exceptionally young but it’s been 15 years and they have 3 gorgeous kids who didn’t get a vote on any of this.
I don’t have great advice, but I’ve definitely been in the “Holy shit, my world is ending!” phase of life before. Went through a terrible separation, let my house get to hoarder levels of awful, my son started cutting himself and contemplating suicide and I had just quit smoking on top of it all.
But you know what? It passed. Neither of us died (although at times I thought for sure I was going to) and now it’s 2 and a half years later, I own my first home (and take pride in keeping it reasonably taken care of), I am dating a good guy, my son and I are working through his challenges and through all of the grace in the universe, I never did start smoking again through it all.
Remember, everything is temporary. Sometimes that fact is a harsh one, but sometimes it’s a great comfort too.
This too will pass. Until then, you’re doing all of the right things for yourself and your child. And really, no matter how you feel about your softball skills, being involved in something active and social is SO important. Once you’re a little more centered, I’d expect your hitting to pick right up as well.
We’re all pulling for you, you’ll always have a place to vent and regroup here.
“When you find yourself going through hell, keep going.” --Winston Churchill
Tell your parents to STFU. Be with your kid. Shrug off the softball performance and just enjoy the game. It’ll come back, as will the women interested in you etc. Give yourself a break and cut yourself some slack. All of these are major life disruptors; I’d be more worried if everything were sunshine and blowjobs.
