~hugs norinew~ I have a relative who has done many of the same things as your daughter and likely more - he’s stolen from me, my brother, both my parents, his own parents, his best friends and so on to get money for drugs. He’s run away. He’s now 27 and his parents still make every excuse they can for him and he lives with them. They constantly worry about what he might be doing every second he’s out of their sight. It’s good that you realize your daughter is old enough to be responsible for her life.
I know how hard it must be to look at it as a relief to get her out of the house. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wish there was more we could do than send your our thoughts and prayers but I hope that’s a little bit of help for you.
My father “took the cure” quite a few times before he got sober for good, too. Including one program that told him he’d be fine if he could just limit himself to two or three drinks a day! Duh. As I think I said before, I knew that statistically, the odds were against her, but I still hoped.
I’m going to call bullshit on that (but not in a snarky way; please don’t interpret it like that). She has control over whether or not she takes her meds; she has control over whether or not she goes to meetings; she has control over whether or not she hangs with the wrong people in the wrong places. Right now, she has 87 reasons not to go to meetings, and each and every one of them is pure bullshit justification. The bottom line is she’s not going because she doesn’t want to. She told me last night that all the people she needs the most have pulled away from her now. I called bullshit on that, too. There are rooms full of people all over town, who want to support her, and she won’t seek them out. Her father and I never pulled away from her, either; she’s the one doing all the pulling. It’s like she’s putting herself in an isolated bubble, and then bitching and moaning because we can’t get in.
norinew, right now I’m damned tempted to Pit your daughter because what I want to say isn’t suited to MPSIMS. Right now, she’s got more resources to fight this thing than she’ll ever have and she’s deliberately choosing to throw them away.
Norinew, FWIW I think at 18 she has much more of a chance to figure this out for herself than she does of getting better because her mother is trying to make her.
I think is is very good of you to consider keeping her alive till her 18th birthday as your own goal or responsibility, and think of 18 as a kind of milestone (because the line has to fall someplace).
I wish you all the best. Of course I hope she straightens out, and I hope there are no more horrible wars, but I also think of them as things you can’t control. Keeping your home safe and sane is something important you can control - as is being appropriately available to her when she does not abuse you.
Siege, don’t feel bad; sometimes I’m tempted to pit her!
It’s not so much that I’m trying to “make her”, as that. . .she keeps whining about how hard her life is, and how she doesn’t have the support she needs in order to recover, and I’m trying to point out to her that her life only sucks if she chooses for it to, and she does have the support she needs, if she would only reach out for it. I’m sick and tired of her playing the victim all the time.
And, yes, 18 is where the law draws the line, because, as you said, the line has to be drawn somewhere, so it’s what we’re holding out for.
You’re daughter’s story is eerily similar to mine when I was a teen. I’m almost 26 now, and living cleaner than anyone I know, but it took loads and loads of work. I wish I had some magic advice to offer that would cure her, but all I can say is that I got better because I really wanted to get better. I was really torn as a kid between doing what I thought I wanted to do, and being on the ins with my mother. I loved my mom so much, but in true teenager form, I also thought she was a psychotic bitch. I rebelled against her and everything around me by getting on a horribly self-destructive path, and scaring everyone to death. In the end, I calmed down and got my life back on track because it was killiing me. I was in the hospital three times for drugs and drug-related incidents, arrested a few times for posession and public intoxication, and when I was sixteen, my mother told me I couldn’t come back to her house and live with her ever again, so I begged relatives on the other side of the country to let me stay with them, which they did, but I went on to make their lives a living hell too.
As I said before, I’m nearly 26 now, and don’t drink, smoke or use ANYTHING stronger than caffeine. My mother and I have reconciled, and are closer than we’ve ever been. Although there are still shadows of my former life that hang overhead and haunt me, I choose to live a clean life.
Don’t give up on your daughter. Be there for her, and make sure she knows how much you love her. She might surprise you. Also, show her my post if you want. Show her that there can be life after self-destruction.
Take care. If you ever want to talk, my email is in my profile.
We tell her all the time that we love her more than anything. I don’t know if she believes it or not. We also try to make it very clear that we support her in her recovery, and will continue to do so in any way possible. I’m not giving up on her, but if she gets into heroin, I know what the odds are like.
norinew, best wishes for the future. It’s a very tricky thing. I have a friend who’s about 1 year clean from heroin, and it’s not easy for her, but not impossible, either. Staying away from the wrong crowd is one of the most difficult and important things in this kind of situation, especially since users often foster an “us vs. them” cameraderie that they feel very bound to.
I’m so sorry Norine. I have two suggestions in response to her sleeping around - this is a serious and dangerous side-effect of her addiction. First, take her to get Norplant or the Depo-Provera shot (long-term birth control) and second, get her a large supply of condoms. My main fears for her is pregnancy and contracting an STD. I guarantee you, the types of people she is messing around with are probably not the cleanest. I also hope hope hope that she stays away from needles!
Your story kind of reminds me of my cousin, who is now about 22 and just got out of his third time in rehab for heroin. This guy couldn’t have better parents. My aunt and uncle are the most caring and loving parents one could ask for. And they have provided so much for him - sent him to the finest private school, paid for him to go to the best rehab programs, offered to pay for him to go to any art school he wanted… but he just kept going back to the drugs. And I still have my doubts that he is better now.
My point is, none of what she is doing reflects on you. I know you and your husband and you guys are awesome, loving parents. This is all a symptom of her mental health issues. I don’t know what else to tell you, other than that I agree with the people who say that she’s very head-strong and she is going to do what she’s going to do. I just hope she takes precautions to protect herself from physical danger (pregnancy, disease, etc.), then deal with the addiction the best you can.
My mother told me she loved me a million times before it hit me that my safety and well-being were essential to her happiness. I hope your daughter comes to her senses. You’ll be in my thoughts.
I’ve been wondering about you and your daughter. I’m so sorry she’s slipped. As a former user, I beleive that no one can get clean unless they decide to for themselves. I’m sorry that her decision to get clean didn’t hold up out here in the real world.
(Update: My son is in jail for at least another two months, but probably until October. They revoked his probation. He plans on living with friends when he gets out.)
Letting them go to make their own stupid mistakes is the hardest thing we parents have to do. I know it’s been hard for me.
norinew, I offer my sympathy as well. What you are going through is in my opinion on of the hardest things a parent has to deal with. I have found Alanon to be a very helpful organization in learning about and dealing with this type of thing. Have you heard of or contacted an Alanon group?
Oh, I know it’s not impossible, but I also know that the recidivism rate for heroin addiction is very high, at least 85%.
I agree about the guys she sleeps with not being the cleanest; she’s already had a hep-C scare! She has tons of condoms, and access to many, many more. She gets birth control services through our local health department.
Would you tell her that, please? She seems to think that we stay awake at night dreaming of new and inventive ways to make her life miserable.
Completely agreed. In fact, her family preservation workers were here today, and we were discussing this very thing. I hope she chooses to get clean, but I made it clear that if she doesn’t, I’ll be keeping her on a very short leash until she moves out; I may not be able to stop her from using, but damned if I have to make it easy for her!
I’m quite familiar with Al-Anon. When my father got sober, through AA, when I was 14, I started attending Alateen meetings, and “graduated” to Al-Anon and ACOA when I got older. I’m not attending local meetings (transportation’s an issue), but am quite familiar with the steps, traditions, precepts, etc.
We are getting faily counseling, too.
Thanks again, all, for your good wishes! It does help.
norinew, I’m so sorry. Everything you’ve written here about your family reflects that you are an awesome, absolutely wonderful mom. And perhaps you daughter does know that, deep down.