Passive aggressive behavior works better with adults. Children are usually very willing to call people out on their bullshit, much to the chagrin of adults who have grown used to avoiding uncomfortable truths.
I get angry instead of hitting. If my son isn’t cleaning his room, it’s going to result in a snap. If he still isn’t cleaning his room, it’s going to result in an angry nag about it and loss of the Wii or something.
But if he does something that’s extremely terrible (which is hard for a sweet 7 year old boy), like steal, I’m going to let him have it. I won’t even take away his Wii or computer; I’m just very disappointed in him and I don’t want to see him til tomorrow. That’s The Worst Possible Thing Ever for him.
We’re pretty close and very loving with each other. But really? I told you ten damned times to ______. Now get off my lawn.
<shrugs> Works for us.
Coming in to brag…
Yesterday was the night we gave our Christmas presents (eve of the Epiphany, it’s traditional in Spain to give presents on the Epiphany or its eve), so we all got together at Mom’s to pick them up. When he wanted to leave, my brother told The Kid (6yo) to “get your coat on” and immediately after to “open the door” and then “have you peed?”, and The Kid, who was halfway through standing up to get his coat, looked up and said “in what order, Dad?”
“What?”
In a perfectly reasonable tone of voice, not whiny at all, “you’ve told me to open the door, and to get my coat on, and you want me to go to the bathroom, and I have to put these toys away. So, in what order?”
My mother piped in with “bathroom, door, coat, we’ll put the toys away since we need to pick up all the wrapping papers too” before my brother was able to decide how to react.
Yes Kid, yes! Yes!
That house, the parents do the yelling, but I swear it’s the kids who rule.
It is also an all-purpose excuse for cultural (and some economic) conservatives, usually when defending people’s poor treatment of one another at school or in the workplace.
Yay, Kid! (And, honestly, yay, Dad and Grandmother, too, for not perceiving that as “cheeky” and for giving him an honest answer.)
Awesome. And I’m thrilled it took your nephew, oh, not quite thirty years less than it took me to figure out the same thing with my parents – clearly, he’s a lot brighter than I am, and has more awesome relatives 
Sigh.
Will nothing work?
What about massive guilt and disappointment? Can I use those concepts as effective parenting control methods? I imagine practicing sighing in front of a mirror will help. Plus finding the right balance between forlorn looks and faux-happiness. Is it possible to wear those expressions at the same time? When best to use them?
Guilt and fear.
Seems to work for the church.
My parents raised me using anger when it was necessary. They used to spank me if I did something horrible but usually they just raised their voices. I am not hostile or suicidal, in fact I am very calm and living happily.
Years later, my parents had gone soft, probably because they were getting old or they were less stressful. It could be a combination of many things. My little brother (5 years younger) on the other hand was raised very differently. My parents rarely ever raised their voices to him and he was never spanked once.
My little brother has a temper and would snap very quickly if something or someone irritated him. He has an anger problem that never developed in me. He is a little brat, selfish, and everything has to be his way or the highway. Since I am the older brother, I always let him have what he wants. That’s what older brothers do right.
Of course, this is just my biased conclusion from my perspective. Take it as you will. I love my brother very much and we’ve had our ups and downs so don’t take this the wrong way. This is a thread about parenting and anger after all.
My parents were always angry at me. But it was my fault because I was so bad. They explained that to me. So I guess it must work.
As with everything, moderation is the key.
I’m no expert, but I think kids (and then adults) often remember the times when their parents are at their worst more than when they are at their best. When I think about my parents while I was growing up, I think about my father’s explosive, unpredictable temper. I feel guilty that this is my tendency, because it really isn’t that hard to remember all the fun, wonderful times too. But it’s what happens. I think about all the times he scared the hell out of me.
But I also remember when my mother was angry. Even though her anger was focused on molehills sometimes (like over wearing the wrong clothes for church), it wasn’t traumatic because it wasn’t a daily thing and it was predictable. And the intensity wasn’t over-the-top either.
I think it is very important for kids to see a range of emotions and learn how to regulate them while also respecting them. If kids only see anger when it’s scary and unbridled, then they may be extra sensitive about making others angry and repress their own anger to unhealthy levels. But if they never see anger, or they don’t see anger being both respected and respectful, then they may grow up thinking that anger is a bad, unnatural, shameful thing. Anger is just like any emotion. It has its time and place. If someone hurts you, why shouldn’t you be allowed to feel and show anger? Just don’t let it get out of control, that’s all.
Oh sure, like you really want to know. Give me a break.