Vampire to run for Governor

This story reveals that Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey plans to announce his bid for governor on the ticket of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party.

He has strong views on the death penalty:

Sharkey also pledged to execute convicted murders and child molesters personally by impaling them on a wooden pole outside the state capitol.

Well that sucks.

It not only sucks, it bites.

I saw this in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune earlier today. Not only is he running for governor, but he’s also filed papers with the Federal Election Commission to be a presidential candidate in 2008.

I like the fact that he’s upfront about his evil side. An impalement here, a disembowelment there, I think this guy could really clean up the state legislature, too.

As the .au article was shy on details:

Minneapolis Star-Tribune article

Candidate’s website – not sure if it’s SFW or not, as I’m not about to visit it from work to find out.

Well, there’s some lovely glurge before the main site. Would you like some quotes?

My alignment is Chaotic Neutral.
My subrace is Dark Elf.

Rocky, eh? I wonder why he points him out specifically…

Ahhhh. He’s a wrestling vampire!

A wrestling NASCAR vampire!

OK, firstly…hott? And he’s a vampyre? He has to be a 15 year old.

Oh, and, a wrestling NASCAR incestual vampire!

15 year old, wrestling, NASCAR incestual vampire. Well, he’s got my vote.

Site is SFW if you consider references to Impalement (with capitals!) of enemies to be SFW ( no blood or gore, though). No worse than any Far-Right/Left website. Check it out, it’s fantastically funny.

The guy sounds a little batty to me.

Hmph. No vampire worth voting for is that ignorant of the proper use of the apostrophe.

well, at least he’s admitting up front to being a bloodsucking parasite, most politicians don’t reveal that until they’re elected…

yaay truth in advertising!

i’d make sure to keep my garlic supply up to date and invest in the garlic growers industry, just in case he comes looking for…donations, if you catch my meaning :wink:

I’m not liking his odds with the Christian right wing, but I’m having trouble articulating why.

I wonder if the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party will have a primary this year? Who else is seeking the nomination?

Y’know, it’s threads like this that keep me hooked on TSD.

Maybe he plans to hypnotize the voters *en masse * during a televised debate. But in lieu of that, he should get cracking on a comprehensive platform to stoke public support.

He could promise to change the official state song [if there is one] to, say, “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” by Bauhaus. (That should give him a spike with Boomers and some Gen-Xers.) The new state bird would be the closest thing MN has to the vampire bat – the mosquito. And under his stewardship, public blood drives would enjoy a higher profile than ever.

But I anticipate difficulties in just holding his fringe political coalition together. As a vampyre, he promises execution by impalement; however, the Witches are likely to prefer transmogrification (i.e., turning the condemned into a newt or a mouse), and at least some of the Pagans will probably lobby for immolation-in-a-gigantic-wicker-man as the preferred method (NB: since this method is said to increase crop yields, the Pagan proposal will likely gain some support from Minnesota’s substantial farm lobby).

Perhaps he could modify his campaign plank to embrace all three medieval execution styles, with the procedural details concerning method selection in individual cases to be determined later. Gotta keep your core supporters happy…

If he’s elected, will his program of execution by impalement be found unconstitutional, or will it be allowed under the doctrine of the unitary executive?

Hates Yahweh, and he supports spilling the blood of criminal scum 'till the steps of the capital run brilliant crimson?

Finally a candidate I can support! (Though Trek “Thunder” Kelly wasn’t bad—he got my vote last time, after all.)

This goof is a walking cliche

I’ll make sure to give Azrael Abyss, errrrrrrr… The Impaler my support next time I’m at Cinnabon

Why couldn’t he have announced last week, when The New Yorker’s cartoon caption contest had a vampire in the cartoon (contest #34)? It would have been so much more timely –

Best regards,


How many nicknames does this guy have? Lord Ares, Rocky Flash, The Impaler… Yeesh. Why can’t he just settle on one nickname, like Lord Viper Scorpion did?

Bear in mind that our last Governor said “Until you have hunted man, you haven’t hunted yet.” Of course, it later turned out that The Body never actually “hunted man.”

I used to be a Fisher of Men, until the bouncer at the gay bar told me to get the hell out, and take my tackle with me.

No way could a professional wrestler get elected as governor in my great state. We’re too smart for that.