Vasectomy Peas

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

“Do you want to see what your Vas Deferens look like?”

I am in a situation not unlike that at the end of Casino Royale. The two valiums I had prior to the procedure left me feeling mellow on the ride over, but once I walked into the office my cerebral cortex did an emergency override and pumped enough adrenaline into my system to bring me to a full alert.

“No. Please put those back when you’re finished.”

The Doctor has not heeded my request before this began. The plan was that I would lie back on the table and go to My Happy Place. My meditation book says My Happy Place can be like a meadow in the woods or a quiet pool that I imagine myself in. I hadn’t practiced going to My Happy Place and was having a hard time of it through the valium and adrenaline, plus the Doctor kept talking to me and asking me questions which was bringing me back into the moment. I had specifically told him I was going to go to My Happy Place and not to talk to me until he was finished.

I thought about telling him to shut the hell up. Considering our relative positions at the moment and what he was holding in his hands and working on with sharp objects, I thought it prudent not to chastise him.

He must have missed a spot with the novocaine because I felt a twinge that ran all the way up to my jawbone and grunted.

“We’ll give you a little more novocaine.”

“Thank you.”

A few moments later I started to sweat profusely.

My Happy Place:

The Meadow and peaceful pool were out of the question. Just wasn’t going there. I remembered a recent trip to Charleston instead. I’d walked around all day in the heat, and later found a quiet bar where I drank an ice cold beer and had a dozen oysters. That beer was nice. Those oysters were…

Oh my.
So much for that Happy Place.
So back home I follow Doctor’s advice. I’m resting in bed with a pack of frozen peas on my crotch. The bag of frozen peas is excellent for this purpose because it is malleable and conform to the shape of things, and I take a nap.

“Ahhhh! Sorry! Excuse me!” I wake up and behold the cleaning lady backing out of the bedroom with a look of alarm on her face. Later I talk to my wife about it.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I must have forgot.”

“Well,” I say. “Did you at least explain to her what I was doing lying naked on the bed with a bag of frozen peas on my crotch.”

“She said she’s never eating peas again.”

2

You aren’t suppose to go to Your Happy Place for several days post vasectomy, I thought.

3

No frostbite?

4

True story: Birth of first child, as head is crowning. Nurse says to me “Open your eyes! you’re going to miss it!” Had I not been concentrating on actually getting a child out of my body my response would have been, “Miss it? I’m right effin’ HERE bitch!”

WTF is wrong with people?

5

I was not so fortunate as to have valium beforehand, but I did have a buddy who had his appt 30 minutes before mine. His words of advice to me were “get more novocaine”, and he was absolutely correct. We have a mutual vow to hunt down the doctor… at some point.
Yes, my buddy and I did spend the rest of the day recuperating together, complete with plenty of frozen peas. You want at least 2 bags each; one in the freezer and one in, um… direct contact. I/we found that a good bottle of scotch, and eventually some medication for pain was most effective.
Godspeed, my good man.

6

I was sure there was a typo, and it was Vasectomy, Please or Vasectomy Pleas.

What kind of trousers did you wear home? My husband wore loose, comfy sweatpants. The doc said some men wore tight-ish jeans to the operation. It can be an uncomfortable drive home.

Good luck and speedy healing. Peas are the best choice–don’t try to use frozen corn on the cob or Brussels sprouts.

7

I screamed at the second cut, because it was unexpected. :slight_smile:
Other than that, I had very little discomfort and used no ice pack or frozen veggies.
I kept a washcloth in my pants for a day, and little pieces of tissue fell off in the tub, but there was never any serious pain.

8

Painkillers worked fine on side one. The doc couldn’t hit the target on side two. After 15 minutes of him tugging and pulling and such on my sack I just told him I’d grit my teeth and he should cut. So I did half of one without any painkillers at all.

Today, I am a man.

9

Oh yes, it was the second needle I screamed about, not the scalpel.
The Urologist was quite displeased, and I had visions of women fleeing his waiting room by the score. :slight_smile:

10

“What do you want, Homer?
Peas.
We all want peace, Homer. How would you get it?
With a knife.”

Mmmm, vasectomy peas…

I had the old snipperoo about 10 years ago, and what stands out in my memory is the smell of my own burning flesh, from the cauterization.

Nothing but a local, to my eternal regret.

11

I count myself a lucky man–and I am damn glad I didn’t read this thread prior to my big V! Damn man! Mine was a few years ago and it wasn’t anything like what you described. But I had the non-scapel one, and maybe that made the difference.

Mine was pretty non eventful. Didn’t feel a thing. My wife is in there with me, and being a daughter of a science teacher when they ask if she wants to watch, she does.

So I am sitting there, out of it, enjoying my own happy place. She looks at me and asks if I am doing fine. I assure her I am.

Later…much later she tells me what was happening. She asked me if I was alright because as they cauterized it a puff of smoke comes out of my groin area. That is when she looks at me and asks me if I am doing okay—she said she was thinking ‘you say you are okay–but your balls are on fire’ :slight_smile:

Luckily I was in my happy place.

12

“Do you smoke after sex?”

“No, but I did during my vasectomy…”

13

My husband is having a very hard time getting up the nerve to go get his vasectomy (fainted in the doctor’s office trying to discuss it, even), and is developing a nice surgical phobia as a result. Would you advise him to not even try to do the office procedure and go straight to general anesthetic (and before you ask, I would have my tubes tied, except he feels like a wuss for being afraid to get himself done)?

14

I had a really bad time with my V. I opted for local anaesthetic (I actually had to argue for it), but in retrospect, that was a bad decision - the local didn’t really take, so I felt quite a lot of what was going on, and it wasn’t good.

Recovery was bad too - lots of swelling and pain, followed by a life-threatening infection.

15

Well, it wasn’t really ALL that bad. In my case, I think the issues were more psychological than physiological. And the post op recovery was pretty easy.

Still, nothing is better for coping with trauma than unconsciousness, IMO.

16

I highly recommend general anesthesia for this procedure, if you have that option. I’m not squeamish (my father was a Dr.; I’ve seen it all), but this was something I just didn’t want to know about.

You go to sleep, you wake up, it’s done. I didn’t have all that much pain and swelling, so I didn’t have to use the peas. However, I stumbled over one of my kids’ toys one morning and woke up the whole house by screaming like a stuck pig.

17

As he should. Major surgery for you vs. something done in the Doctor’s office for him? Wuss indeed.
Oh yes, I’d forgotten the soldering iron. Don’t tell him about that, but be sure he knows the local is injected on each side of the scrotum. :slight_smile:

18

True story. Mr. Pundit was sitting on the couch recovering from his vasectomy, with the obligatory bag of peas on his crotch.

LilPundit (age 3) walks in and says, “What’s that?”

“Nothing, honey. Daddy got hurt and the cold makes it feel better.”

“Where?”

“On my peanut.” (This is what my daughter used to call ‘penis.’)

She strokes his arm sympathetically. “Awww, poor daddy. And your big balls, too?”

Hope your big balls get better soon, Scylla!!

19

Yeah, daHubby had the non-surgical procedure done too about 5 years ago. Not only did we have 2 bags of frozen peas, he also went out and got a couple of really nice, cloth-covered ice packs that no matter how long they’ve been in the freezer are still malleable.

He had a really strong couple of local shots—did fine until he looked up and saw the smoke. The holler he produced could have been heard six counties over. Of course, at that point the valium hit and he was out like a light.

I salute all men who get the ‘big snip.’

20

Ah yes, the Big V. One has not lived until one sees smoke issuing from one’s crotch from behind the surgical drape.

My confidence level in the surgical team was not enhanced when the surgical tech, who was apparently twelve years old and messing about with the cautery machine, asked the urologist in clear, ringing tones “How do you turn this thing on?” I think the Betadyne with which I was swabbed from nipples to heels hid my blanching in terror, but I am not sure.

Likewise - I would much preferred not to have been present for all that yanking and tugging. :shudders:

No post-op infection for me, thank God, but the ride home and that night was not a fun experience. Walking around bow-legged like I had spent the night being sodomized by rhinos was also not a happy time for me.

The Lovely and Talented Mrs. Shodan also showed a mixture of the sweet solicitude I expected, and an unexpectedly cruel streak. Knowing perfectly well that I was “on the bench” while I healed, she offered on several occasions to kiss it and make it better. And she even bought a new nightgown “for when you are better”, and made it a point to wear it while walking past me as I lay on my bed/sofa of pain. For the moment, she was faster than I, and could do nothing about it.

The little trollop.

Regards,
Shodan