Thanks, I sent an email to the account in your profile.
Now that part seemed very rude to me, and I susspect to your SO if he is at all sensitive.
Really your SO aught to turn down his sister’s invitation and go with you to your friend’s doo. But NOT because your SO’s sister didn’t offer to provide something for you, that is not required of her at all, but because of the tone of her request.
If she said “also please can you provide something for lezlers since I’m only making non-vegitarian food for the party” that would be fine, it is the insinuation that she would rather you did not come that is the reason for you both to snub her invitation.
This is all in assumption that you and your SO are very much a couple (which is what I get from your OP) and not just a fairly casual relationship.
It’s not unreasonable to cook a vegan side dish for one vegan guest, but it’s also not unreasonable to not cook a vegan side dish for the one guest and have her bring her own; that shouldn’t be considered rude, since at some point in life it came down to a choice and they all have consequences. It’s just that doing the opposite is considered extra nice (I’d totally do it for a vegetarian. For a vegan, it would depend on how many other people there were, whether the vegan was willing to advise, and how much I actually liked the vegan. And since there are no vegans dating my family, I’d have to like you to be inviting you over!). As has been said, any offense is really in the phrasing. The way she phrased it implies to objective little ol’ me that she doesn’t really want you to come and only invited you because she felt she had to, so that’d definitely be a factor in my decision if I were you. Perhaps she just doesn’t like you in general, in which case you can just think of it as one person who dislikes you as opposed to a family that doesn’t welcome you.
If you were the main guest then deffinately, but as an auxillary guest (the meal is for your meat eating SO) then it depends on the ability of the host to make something suitable for you, and on the question as to whether you are Vegan for health, religious, or personal prefference reasons. It would be much ruder to not provide food suitable for a diabetic you know will be a guest, than for providing food for someone on a diet. What reason id there that you cannot eat meat that day? You may well wish not to, so much so that you will not eat that day, but that is by necessity your choice.
Now, as a host, people should try to accomodate all needs for all guests, avoiding things some guests don’t like, taking into account diets etc. But sometimes that will create too much work for the host to achieve reasonable results with any part of the meal. In such cases asking for help from guests with special requirements is reasonable. (though not asking in the rude way your particular host did).
Presuambly the stroganov is going to be served with some forms of vegitable side dishes. Would it be better for the host to provide you with some cooked baked beans or to allow you to bring something you like to go with the side dishes?
It is quite possible given your history with the SO’s sister that she is being vindictive. This would be born out if she specifically made side dishes unsuitable for your tastes, like using lard, butter etc in the preperation of side vegitables, anding bacon into the salad etc. But it is the sister being rude in other ways, not in simply asking you if you could bring something you like to eat.
OK, I’ve been reluctant to weigh in here. I’ll probably get blasted, but I think vegans are just a PITA. There may be a very few people who have legitmate medical conditions that require they avoid animal products, I’m not sure, but people who choose to be vegans for moral and/or personal choice should not expect me to cater to their choices. I’m not going to be gratuitously rude about it, but I’m not going to go out of my way to please you either. Personally I think it’s a lot of hooey, self deception and hypocracy, but it’s a free country and you have a right to your choices, but you must accept the responsibility for those choices. Just like the inept cross dresser, the person w/ tattoos on their face or the one w/ piercings in every flap or hole on their head, you’re going to get some derisive reactions. If it’s a close friend or relative, and they volunteer to cater to your choices, that’s a plus for you, but you should not expect it. If I invite you to my home for dinner you might ask what I plan to serve and then choose whether or not to accept the invitation, but if you ask for some special service you must be prepared for me to decline.
This is true of all sorts of dietary restrictions, so you just have to grin and bear them. One of my coworkers is a vegetarian and I recently asked him what he eats for Thanksgiving. He in turn asked me why I can’t eat pizza, though, so the questioning isn’t one-sided. People with allergies give vegetarians someone to ask nosey food questions to 
The sister in the OP is rude. But it’s the whole “If Lezlers is coming” part that upsets me, not so much the actual food issue. That sort of jab is thinly disgusted dislike, which we’re supposed to be civilized enough not to show the SOs of our siblings. Particularly on the sibling’s birthday!
In regards to food, however, fair warning that your diet restrictions are not going to be accommodated is the most I think you have the right to expect. It’s nice when people make an effort to include your preferences in the menu (my best friend’s mom does when I help them scare kids at Halloween, which is sweet of her) but as long as you have warning, and they don’t object to you bringing something, I don’t see you as being wronged to be expected to bring something you can eat. You cooking and bringing something is less of a hassle for you than her adding yet another cooking task to her load would be for her, after all.
Now, having the menu changed at the last minute to something you can’t eat, so you’re left stranded, on the other hand, is maddening. It’s happened to me more than once 
If she hasn’t eaten meat or dairy in nine years then she could get sick from suddenly eating them out of the blue.
I think the she was incredibly rude in the wording of her “invite”, personally. Maybe it’s because I had a good friend growing up that is vegan, but I don’t see what the big deal is. Just cook something you know they can eat (cripes, pick up a bagged salad or something) and be done with it. It’s not a huge deal to prepare food for someone with dietary wants/needs.
I would never in a million years dream of inviting someone to a dinner party that had particular food requirements and not accomadate them. I would either provide them something nice to eat just like everyone else or I would not invite them.
That depends on exactly what it got on. This is where the rules of kashering a kitchen get really complicated. And what exactly happens is going to vary from kosher kitchen to kosher kitchen- everyone’s rules are slightly different. Remember, “I keep kosher” can mean just about anything from “I don’t eat obvious pork or shellfish at home” to “I eat only food with a rabbinical certification of kashrut and have separate kitchens for meat and dairy foods”.
If it gets on something that’s not exposed to heat for cooking (countertop, floor, oven door, etc), you just wipe it up. (In almost all cases of blood in the kitchen, this is what happens in my experience)
If enough got on a utensil to worry about (and that would be a lot, for us), we might re-kasher the utensil, which would probably involve dipping it in boiling water.
If it got on the stove burners or the heating elements in the oven, we’d have to re-kasher those by turning them on at high temperature for a long period of time (or running the self-cleaning cycle in the oven).
It would only be a real pain if there were a lot of blood spattered all over, but there would be problems other than re-koshering the kitchen in that scenario.
I definitely think the email was rude, unless you’ve left out information. You’ve been together for two years and living together for one - why on earth would there be an “if” about you coming to your SO’s birthday party?
If it were me, I’d do something else for SO’s birthday, skip this party to see your friend, and tell her why if she asked. But then again, I’m not the most socially adept soul you’ll ever meet. 
I’ve fed vegetarians many times - it’s pretty damn easy. I’ve only done vegans occasionally, but can usually figure out something. I wouldn’t knowingly invite someone for dinner that I didn’t intend to feed something they could eat. That’s just rude. If you’re not willing to feed them, then don’t invite them for a meal.
However, depending on the situation and how well I knew them, I might talk to them ahead of time to get some help with planning, and/or ask them to bring something to go with what I’m fixing.
In this case, which sounds kind of potluck style, I might have said “it’s a potluck, here’s what others are bringing, what would you like to bring? It’s looking thin for vegans so far, so you might just bring whatever you’d like to have and not worry about feeding anyone else if that would be easier.” But if she’s making salad, she’d have to intentionally add stuff to make it non-vegan, which is, again, rude.
Honestly, a vegan chef salad is really easy to make nowdays - bag of salad, and surf the vegan fridge case for the tofu-based or nonrennet cheese, quorn ‘diced chicken’ or quorn fillets cut into julienne strips, tempe ‘beeflike’ strips, some carrots and celery cut into julienne, sliced radishes, sliced onion, bell pepper [if you like peppers] olives of some color or another[so many to choose from if your favorite store has an olive bar] sliced portobello shrooms if you like them and a nice balsamic vinaigrette. If she is already making a salad, it is disgustingly easy to tweak it to vegan.
I agree - I have a friend who is allergic to onions in any form, and is seriously lactose intolerant. I have no problem picking foods to make when he visits us that do not contain the items. I have vegan friends and have no problem cooking something for them as well. parlez-vous Eggplant Imam Bayadi style? Eggplant with vegan parmesan? Gazpatcho in the summer with fresh cibatta bread and tapenade made without the anchovy? There are a lot of great foods that are totally vegan-able that would be well accepted by most any carnivore. Heck, I even served quorn to my father and he thought it was chicken.
Exactly, which I believe I’ve said multiple times throughout this thread.
It’s not the fact that she asked me to bring something that pissed me off, it’s the way she did it, and the fact that she didn’t even try before asking me. It’d be one thing if she said something like “hey, is there a side dish I could make that you could eat, or if not, would you mind bringing something?” or something like that. That way, I could still feel included. However, she won’t even do that (even though she has my email and phone number.) She’ll only do the “IF lezlers is coming, make sure you bring something for her.” Like she couldn’t be bothered enough to even care if I’m coming at all, much less provide anything for me to eat.
I know one vegan, and I have to be honest: I’d be wary making something for her. Not only does she not meat products, but she doesn’t eat processed foods, refined sugars, or things with preservatives. That eliminates a lot of foods that I would easily be able to prepare. And even if I managed to cover all the bases, I’d be scared that I’d forget something. What?! You put non-organic salt in this? And you let me eat it? I’d rather my vegan friend bring something, enough to share, and that way I don’t have to worry about disappointing her.
Not saying you’re hard to please, lezlers. Your sister-in-law was rude and needs to be more understanding.
I agree that the way she phrased the request was completely classless. The “if lezlers is coming” thing has already been addressed, but I’ll add that singling you out like that was tacky. I would have contacted you individually to make arrangements.
However, I’m afraid that I ask vegan guests to bring something they know they can eat. I try to accomodate vegetarians, but vegan diets confuse me. Sure, I know the big things, like dairy products, are out, but there are so many foods that contain animal products that I haven’t even thought about. I’m constantly surprised when my vegan friends point out that something or other has butter or milk in it. Sure, I could easily make a salad, but a sit down dinner (in my opinion) should have more than a salad. I want you to enjoy your dinner at my house!
Yeah, I’d be one of those annoying co workers who would ask if you could find anything to eat at a particular restaurant when planning a lunch excursion. As mentioned, I’m clueless about what vegans can eat, and I have had friends come with me only to find they can’t find anything on the menu they can eat and like. I ask to be considerate. I want you to have a good time.
Yikes, lezlers, sounds like your SO’s sis is pretty clueless and rude, or maybe just clumsy. I’ve been a vegetarian for 20 years, and have heard it all as to dietary comments. (one nice thing is that there’s much more awareness and understanding in the mainstream these days.) I’m pretty easygoing, though, and adapt.
I think I’d take the high road here, since it is a family function, and SO’s birthday. If you don’t go, it’s going to be a big example of “why lezler’s diet doesn’t work for our family gatherings.” Go, of course lezlers is coming, and bring something that’s really tasty and an example of what can be easily whipped up by any non-vegan hostess to serve at a party. Have the recipe available, so they’ll know it’s not so damned hard to do for the next family event. Or, pick something up at a local grocery, pre-prepared, to give another example of how they can make it easily work. You’d be making your point better by giving them concrete examples they can do as well. I realize you might have to grit your teeth a bit, but consider it an investment in future family harmony.
And, I’d leave early to be with the Best Friend. “Well, I need to go, because my best friend is about to move away, but I didn’t want to miss Honey Bun’s special family dinner. I know how much y’all worked to put this together!”
Leave them with a smile, and then go have a good time with the best friend. Maybe you’ll have educated SO’s family as to some graciousness.
In have worked as a chef/sous chef. I have a friend who has done more favors for me than I can count. Often she hosts dinner parties from 10 to 50 people, which I plan and cook for. (The big ones are generally fund raisers her favorite charities, and are more or less buffet style.) It is No Big Deal to accomodate special menu requests. To make a point of refusing such a request is rude to the point of aggressiveness.
lezlers, just eat before you arrive, and when everyone sits down to eat, whip out a big plastic dildo and put it on your plate. Ask your hostess if she would like a taste.
How is it that so many people here cannot fathom the part of hospitality where the host is responsible for making his or her guests comfortable? Miss Manners would be delicately appalled.
It makes no matter that lezlers – or anyone else – chose some arcane diatary restriction to live by. The important choice here is the hostess choosing to invite lezlers. However backhanded the invitation was, the hostess chose to invite someone she knew to be a vegan. Now she has to live up to that choice, and pony up something for the vegan to eat.
And without making snide comments about it, either. Hospitality = comfortable guests!
Well it was your reaction that is shameful.
Lets see, she invited you into her house - seems pretty darn gracious so far. It is a dinner party - ok you should expect some food will be served - again gracious, She has indicated that what she is making will not comply with vegan dietary restrictions - so she is consiering your dietary needs - so that was thoughful. She suggested, since this is a dinner party that you can bring food that fits your needs and eat it at her house, not only does that sound considerate but it sounds like something you,( ‘you’ being the generic invited guest), do anyway - bring something for the host. This is a perfect opportunity, bring a dish that the others may like that would complement the dinner the host is making, which is what you will have as the main dish.
That would be the greatful way of being a invited guest.
Well we could go back and forth here, but it’s not the fourmn for that, so I’ll just thank you for your opinion.
Yes, and on the other side I find it rude to expect a special dish (don’t care if it’s vegan, or whatever).
And yes I undersand that you get sick from eating meat, that doesn’t allow you to demand or expect any special treatment, unless you get sick and need medical attention.
Agree 100% she is rude, I hope your SO doesn’t go to her meal either, he probably should want to be with you more than with sister on his Birthday.
You’d be happy if she said “I’ll have my hands full preparing the Stroganoff, could you bring something microwaveable that you would enjoy” I hope. Sometimes a host wants to push his/her skills to the limit, and having to prepare something else as well would be disasterous.
But saying in effect “If you bring that old bag make sure she has something to eat whilst we normal people have meat” as she ‘almost’ did was so far beyond the pale as to be almost fluorescent.
This is so much better than my suggestion to bring nut loaf…