Jesus, Chicane, I just very nearly wet myself. The image of you furiously brandishing an unglossed wooden breast at an apologetic retail clerk could simply not be conceived by even the most creative comic mind.
I’d suggest you have half of your routine right here.
Simple, you put “wooden breasts, (1) glossy (1) matte”
I’d have sworn that unscrewing her breasts would have caused her ass to fall off. Silly me.
Can I also just point out that your wife is very lucky to be married to a man whose idea of a mid-life crisis involves wooden women?
So I injured my index finger really bad and couldn’t bend it for like a month. I was bemoaning this to a friend and he said, “It could be a lot worse, you could be a ventriloquist.”. I said, " Like oh yea, because I probably wouldn’t be able to operate the dummies mouth without a trigger finger, right?".
He said, “No, it would just really suck to be a ventriloquist.”
I would just like to say, Chicane, that this board will be measurably poorer for your absence if you choose not to formally extend your membership at the conclusion of your allotted guest period.
—goes to change underpants—
So even once you get the two shiny breasts and the thing doesn’t smell like Orange-Glo anymore, you still intend to take a nude dummy to your local bar and have it order drinks? I am lost on this part.
If I were at a bar and all of a sudden I saw an obviously novice ventriloquist with a shiny nude female dummy trying to order drinks, I would immediately have whatever I was drinking tested for adulterants.
Huh. If people are having an illicit affair in your drink, and you have to test for that, wooden women are the least of your worries.
Oh, adulterANTS. Sorry. 
If two ants are having an illicit affair…
I, for one, am quite anxious for the detailed report of Chicane’s first visit to a bar with his voluptuous wooden friend. Particularly in her current state of dishabille!
BTW, nice try at inventing a word: “ventriloquially”, but I think you meant “ventriloquous” – of or pertaining to a ventriloquist or ventriloquism.
Mrs. danalan might be interested in manufacturing a custom doll’s dress for Ethel. Email me for a link to examples of her handmade dresses.
I’m sure there must be at least one female doper fitting this description
Second. Can I borrow a pair?
I greatly appreciate the generous remarks.
Regarding my time on this board, I have been a member since August 2001 and I am paid up since March of this year. Barring accidents, I hope to continue my membership ad nauseam.
I did post under the name Nostradamus until November 2002 but since then (until recently) I have been lurking, not having anything useful to contribute.
I have returned the dummy’s breasts to whence they came, in a parcel marked Wooden Breasts: Please Do Not Fondle and, as an afterthought, This Way Up.
Thanks are also due to Danalan for the tentative offer of a custom dress. When Ethel’s breasts are returned to me perhaps I can have a look at what is on offer.
Furthermore, if I eventually summon up the ‘bottle’ to take Ethel to the pub, be she naked, fully clothed or simply deshabille, I may return to this thread and advise on the outcome.
You’re a man? I though you were a lady. I had this image of you trying to pull off some kind of sister act with Ethel.
I’d be quite happy to check the ones I can get my hands on.
Will report back if I should have any success… I live to serve.
You’re offering an adjective to replace the adverb you object to. Perhaps “ventriloquously”?
Why are you going for shiny breasts? Why not remove the the gloss from one?
If you do want shiny just apply a clear coat gloss to the matte finish, you shouldn’t sand it down to the wood.
Please let me say that I certainly remember you as Nostradamus and was quite a fan of your posts. I’m glad you’re back.
I believe I recall you, too. Did you once regale us with your [mis-]adventures in search of a position in the ladies’ undergarments department at Harrod’s?
“may return”? “MAY return”? Make that “MUST return”! With pictures!
Maybe Mrs. C. could go along to the pub with a camera. She would have to agree that that constitutes a good use of her valuable time.
The mind reels. Leave it to a Doper to come up with this level of Chicane-ery…
I can imagine the Hollywood Reporter headling now, screaming in huge bold font:
Mismatched Boobs Sidetrack Mouthpiece. Sawdust Settles, Bottles Emptied.
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