So, I’m moving into my new house (without any help, since I’m ranting now, thank you very much) and getting phone service installed. The lady tells me that Verizon (who is our local provider) is having a special on DSL and since I know I’m eventually going to get it anyway, I thinks to myself … what the hell. I go for it. She tells me that I need to get an ethernet adapter which I do; $15 at CompUSA and installs like a bitch in heat. All is right with the world.
Wednesday I get the call from their automatic notification service that the DSL is now ready and as soon as I get the package from them, I can set it up. Oh happiness, oh rapture, oh joy unconfined.
Thursday I got the package from UPS. More happiness, more rapture, more joy unconfined.
I opened the package. That was my first mistake.
I take everything out and hook everything up. All the wires and plugs go exactly where they’re supposed to go. Beauty. I take their CD out of the package and put it in my drive to install the software.
It won’t install.
I decide to call their tech support number. This is my second mistake.
After going through all the hoops of their voice mail system, I actually get a human voice. I’ll give myself one point for that. This may be the last point I get. Verizon 0, Me 1.
He asks me for my local number and whoops! Turns out their automatic transfer system automatically transferred them to the wrong area. let’s just transfer you over to the proper area, okay? Okay. Verizon 1, Me 1. We’re all tied up, folks.
I get over the the “right” person who presumably is some sort of tech support person. Presumably. We can hope. In retrospect I’m not sure if this guy had enough technical knowledge to open a can of tuna fish. I get the feeling that he’s reading off of a checklist since he doesn’t ask what my problem is, but starts asking me questions that don’t have anything do to with it.
“Look at your modem. Are their three green lights?”
“Um … no,” I say, racing back and forth between the phone (which is in my bedroom) and the computer (which is in the parlor. Parlor. I love that word, much more than “living room.” It sounds much more … Victorian.) “I have two green lights and the one in the middle is blinking.”
“Ruh roh,” Scooby Doo says. “That means that you don’t have a signal yet. Let me pull up your account here. Ah … your hookup was pushed pack! It won’t be connected until the 28th.”
Verizon 2, Me 1.
So, now I’m getting a bit pissed. “Were you going to tell me this eventually?”
“I’m sorry, sir … that’s really out of my hands.”
“Can I tell you what the problem is now?”
“Just a second … you say your computer is in your Victorian Living Room and the phone is in the bedroom?”
“Uh, duh, yeah!”
“You know the modem can’t be any longer than 15 feet from the phone jack, right?”
Verizon 3, Me 1.
“Noooooo,” I say. “Wasn’t this something you guys should have told me when I signed up for the service?”
Let’s all sing together … “I’m sorry, sir … that’s really out of my hands.”
He continues … “Is there anything else I can help you with tonight?”
I scratch my head, tufts of hair already starting to fall out. “Well, firstly, you’ve pushed back my hookup without telling me AND you’ve now told me that I have to set it up in a different way that you didn’t inform me of when I signed up AND you still haven’t given me the good graces that God gave grapes to ask me what the problem I calling about is!”
He relents. I think maybe I’m about to score a point. Just for giggles I’ll give myself a half. I’m generous like that. Verizon 3, Me 1.5.
“Okay, sir, what problem are you experiencing?” You can tell tech support people are getting down to business when they start using words like “experiencing.”
“The software won’t install. I click on the ‘setup’ program and it just gives be a “VOL Check” error message.”
“Can you tell me what the error message says?”
I should have hung up right then. Subtract one point for lack of precognition. Verizon 3, Me .5.
“It says ‘Cannot install ikernal.exe.’”
“A kernel error? That’s gotta be your operating system then.”
Verizon 4, Me .5.
“Huh? What?”
“A kernel error is always the operating system.”
“Okay,” I try to explain. I’m going to take away that last half a point I gave myself for even trying to explain this to someone who makes Jay and Silent Bob look like Albert Einstein and Gandhi. “So you’re telling me that I’ve been able to install software from at least 20 different companies without any problems and yours is the only software I’ve ever had any problem with and you’re going to tell me it’s MY operating system at fault.”
Verizon 5, Me 0.
“A kernal error is always the operating system.”
“Forgive me if I don’t believe you.”
Let’s all sing along. “A kernal error is always the operating system.”
He tries to save himself. After all, these calls may be recorded to assure customer satisfaction. “Is there anything else I can help you with?”
I lose it. “YOU HAVEN’T FUCKING HELPED ME SO FAR! OF THREE DIFFERENT PROBLEMS I’VE HAD, YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO HELP ME WITH A SINGLE ONE!”
“I’m sorry, sir … but.”
Yah. I just don’t want to hear anymore and hang up on him.
It occurs to me later once I’m able to extinguish the flames coming out of my ears that maybe it won’t install the software is that it won’t unless it can find a DSL signal through the modem. This is my theory right now, so we’ll check it again on the 28th as long as they don’t push my hookup date back another three years. But just for a lark, I decide to explore the setup CD they sent me and guess what?
THE ‘IKERNAL.EXE’ PROGRAM THAT THEY CLAIM IS MY OPERATING SYSTEM IS A FUCKING PROGRAM ON THEIR OWN FUCKING DISK!
Verizon 6, Me 0. Game. Set Match.
Fuckers.
