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** Breaking News…**
hardygrrl named an Official Email Slut
More to follow…
[sub] No comments from the peanut gallery [/sub]
This just in, hundreds dead as the peanut gallery was assaulted by a rogue elephant just moments before. A witness, Mr Planters, had this to say.
“We were just watching the news. I was about to make a comment when the wall crashed in. All I could see was gray! And the crunching. Oh the crunching!”
The zoo reports no animals missing thus police are suspecting foul play. Back to you, Steve.
And in a related story, the price of ice cream has plummeted, due to a malfunction of the grocery store’s refrigeration machinery.
We have Bob on the scene:
“Well folks, Ginger is currently making a total pig of herself. She’s really cashed in on the low ice-cream prices. One has to wonder if she had anything to do with this malfunction. Perhaps all of those years of selling boiler & refrigeration machinery breakdown insurance to the Inuit have finally taken their toll. Whoa, folks, she’s really going to town on this stuff. I understand that once she polishes off the Breyers Cookies n’ Cream, that she will delight us all with the visual treat of eating a Rolo ice cream pop. I had my cameraman bring extra film and a release form for the rights… What’s that? Oh, and there’s an elephant running amok. More later. Back to the studio - live from Cougar Creek, I’m Bob Plasticsmile”
FLASH NEWS
This just in from our affiliate in Dayton:
thinksnow has entered his parents house and has managed to log on. We’re not sure how long he’ll be able to maintain a connection, but it looks grim as he is heading to Columbus tomorrow and there is no phone service there!
What’s going to happen to the orgy thread, Jim?
Mary, I’m not sure, but it looks like some of the other Dopers are getting in the swing of things, so to speak, so there might be hope that it will last out the weekend.
Thank you, Jim.
Certainly, Mary. [sub]Say, you want to get together for some hot monkey sex…what do you mean, “You mike is still on?!”[/sub]
The Pilsbury Dough Boy has died.
Doctors have blamed a yeast infection.
and in animal news, Miss Creant discovers that she is just hanging around waiting for the dogs to die, so she can toss herself off a building without the guilt of knowing she left her pups in the lurch. More on this story as the dogs get older.
In other animal news, Arden just gave the Evil Kitty Overlord that lives with her a bath.
No trip to the ER was planned, but Arden is having a shot of tequila.
The good stuff.
Back to you, Bob.
Bob?
In sporting news:
Chimaera can’t get his lazy butt up and go outside and ride his bike or inline or even jog around the neighborhood because it is soooo damn hot!!!
And this just in, we have a partial score of 23.
… and continuing with the pet theme, such as it is, my border collie is licking my dalmatian’s ears. It’s not a pretty sight.
Bob?
Members of a unidentified DC hospital are rumored to be stencilling the name “Dick Cheney” on their primo parking spot.
Way to go, Mr. VP - rock star parking.
And now an update:
Hazel is STILL pissed off about the election. Our SuperNewsCopter is giving you a cool arial view of Hazel’s house. Note the “Screw You, Supreme Court Majority” sign.
That concludes our update. Back to you, Bob.
Up next, on “Headliners & Legends,” an exclusive interview in which HAZEL reveals why she did NOT make a purchase at CVS this evening! Sources close to Hazel tell us that she took one look at the loooong lines at the (measly) two open cash registers, and decided “no way, Jose”. Before leaving, she is said to have returned her selected items to stock, putting them back right where she got them. “No responsible adult would do otherwise” she is quoted as having said. Stay tuned!
tonight’s story, amati feels lonely and scared after being left alone in his house for two weeks without friends caring enough to come over and play a game of pool and watch movies on his big screen and eat otter pops when it hits the high of 103 around 2 in the afternoon.
Hi, this is Jinxie live at the Anytown Zoo where 3 gnus were reported missing today by zookeepers. The three adolescent males were the offspring of the only gnu left in the exhibit, Molly. Police were called in to search the entire neighborhood for the gnus who were described as having scraggly beards, long horns and are supposedly quite highstrung. Zookeepers are quite anxious to have them back but a relieved Molly was rumored to have said “No gnus is good gnus” leading many to speculate wildly. If you see the three gnus please contact the APD and keep them away from coffee. This is Jinxie reporting live from the Anytown Zoo, back to you Bob.
[RobinLeach]Hello, I’m Robin Leach.
On tonight’s episode of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous we visit the luxurious private yacht of Adnan Khashoggi where we’ll see a toilet bowl made of [StentorianLeach] 24 KARAT GOLD![/StentorianLeach] The irony being, of course, that the famous billionaire arms dealer doesn’t ever urinate or defecate, [StentorianLeach] HE’S SO RICH, HE DOESN’T HAVE TOOOOOOOOOO![/Leach]
[Mindy Goodweather] Wow, imagine that. I know I’ll be watching! Bob? [/Mindy]
In the world of outdoor recreation, we are happy to report that screech-owl’s very large canvas tent has withstood hard-driving rain and high winds to keep her warm and her camping gear dry, and is large enough to accomodate guests whose tents did not survive the aformentioned storms.
In automotive news, screech-owl’s car sustained minor paint damage when the tree it was parked near was hit by lightning and several large now-orphaned branches landed on it.
Still ahead in this broadcast, screech-owl will give her review of “Improvised Burger Surprise”, a new recipe featuring hamburger patties mixed with Parmesan cheese on a loaf of garlic French bread (since she forgot to buy American cheese and bread at the store after camping all weekend).
Culinary review: Hamburger patties mixed with Parmesan cheese on a loaf of garlic French bread really does not taste very good. Next in our ‘Consumer Watch’ segment: how to repair your garbage disposal after a fork accidentally gets munched in it.
In our Music review: Celebrating Canada Day without having to resort to Celine Dion.
** This just in **
hardygrrl’s boss is on a two week vacation. Much rejoicing was heard throughout the office as the story was leaked.
One co-worker was quoted as saying " Now there will be light and happiness for the evil overlord who is so anally retentive he sucks all the joy out of the room is gone. Perhaps, if we all pray, he will be eaten by a bear."
The celebration commenced with office chair races,rubber band fights,attempts to ventilate the ceiling tiles with rubber band projected thumb tacks and other tomfoolery.
And in other news, the Dave-Guy and his family were unable to go to Connecticut and watch the Shakespeare-on-the-Sound performance because the area was hit with a major thunderstorm. The near record-breaking heat wave and 80-100% relative humidity were broken, however, and the family could be observed sitting out on the screened-in porch, enjoying the rain and the cool breezes.
In a related story, Dave gets to keep the wine coolers he was going to share with everyone when they got to the show.
We now go to our man in the street, Kyle Heflin. Kyle?
“This is your man in the street, Kyle Heflin, and I’d just like to say, look at the rack on that babe in the blue sweater!”
Back to the studio. Dan?
And back in animal news;
Despite her best intentions to make her dog feel more comfortable in the hot weather, Miss Creant’s dog now looks like it went to get a haircut at the school for the blind.
This unfortunate accident can be directly linked to Miss Creant’s complete ineptitude with the electric clippers and the dog’s firm belief said clipper is the anti-Christ.
Fortunately for the dog, he has no idea. Ironically, just hours after the incident, the temperature dropped 20 degrees negating the need for the trim.