Vocations Anonymous

The BBQ Pit
1

My name is Dave, and I’m a lawyer.

It all started for me when I was watching TV in the 1980s.

The sexual tension of LA Law made me think that if I became a lawyer, I could get laid, like Arnie Becker. Or drive a Porsche. And trade in witty ripostes with former members of the Patridge Family about my penis size.

So I started dabbling in law school. It wasn’t like it was everyday, but it was enough to get my habit started. It was fine at first. I could handle the long terminology and the ethos of mystification. I learned to go to law school freshman orientation camps and vomit through my nose, wipe my face and kiss the girl sitting next to me. So, the lifestyle was cool, and besides, y’know all my friends were doing it and I thought I could quit whenever I wanted to.

Then I graduated. I started working in the law. It was a downer, all day. The symptoms got worse. It started affecting my normal life. I would start sprouting advocacy, closing arguments with Latin quotes, at dinner parties. I would read Civil Procedure texts books - on public transport. People saw me doing it - I didn’t care. I got caught up in the narcissism and supposed grandeur of the stuff.

It got worse. I started specialising. The amount of money I forked out for a post-graduate degree was staggering. The nights got later. I found I didn’t have a life outside of doing law. I was doing it day in, day out. And…oh my God, I started to enjoy wearing neckties.

One morning I found myself lying in bed, dribbling out of the corner of my mouth, dictaphone in my hand, and a copy of Black’s Law Dictionary resting on my chest. The dictaphone had recorded my snoring, muttering, “Res ipsa loquitur…res ipsa loquitur…” in my sleep.

I’m worried that one day I’m going to wake up, put on my wig, jabbar and gown and want to go shopping for a gavel.

sOmEboDy, pLeAsE, hElP mE…

2

Thank you for sharing. The 1st step is admitting you have a problem. You never have to use Latin again if you don’t want to…

Would you like a cup of coffee?

3

[hands shaking around the cup]

…y-yes, thanks…

4

and when I wake up in the middle of the night, it is from a dream about: [ul][li]did I send the client his copy? or[/li][li]was everything signed and dated? or[/li][li]did I enclose the self addressed stamped envelope? or[/li][li]which irate client will call today because the office is so behind?[/ul]When I answer the phone at home, I catch myself almost saying “_________Law Office, How may I help you?”[/li]
I go in early and stay late, and I am hourly, not salaried. I need a twelve-step program.

5

Nothing is more dramatic than watching a good lawyer in action. While it seems that most despise the profession, I’m afraid that I cannot be counted as one of those. I admire someone who has the ability to make it through law school. There are always those in any profession, as they say one bad apple, that causes the rest to catch flack that they don’t deserve. Yes, there are bad lawyers, greedy, blood-sucking creatures that prey on the unknowledgeable. But you could say the same of any profession on the face of the earth. I say keep up the good work. Defend truth, honor, and justice and tell the rest of the world to bite you.

6

Man, just 'cause you had problems with it doesn’t mean everyone else will to. Keep your preaching to yourself! Sure, sure, I used to dabble myself. Sure, ok, I can admit it - I’m starting law school in a couple weeks - but that doesn’t mean anything! I can put it down whenever I want to, really I can. I think. Well, I have gone into quite a lot of debt. But I still control the habit. Except for my reading materials. Couldn’t seem to stop reading books about the profession/ school all summer. But I did plenty of other things too, it doesn’t control me! I’m not worried, I have enough will power to keep from getting carried away. I’m sure all my friends will still hang out with me. I’ll make time for them, really I will. 'Course, I just told my teacher I would have to cut out djembe lessons for the next few months. Really, I can put it down anytime… anytime….

[trembling]
Is that coffee still hot?

7

spider woman
Thank your lucky stars you are hourly and not salaried. (That is, assuming you think you are being paid fairly and get enough benefits, etc.)
If they try to put you on salary, you will no longer be paid extra for going in early and staying late.
Mr. Devil
Law school all pays off in the long run when you start attempting legal humor with friends who are not in the legal profession. You will be considered to be the coolest guys around. Chicks dig latin.
Seriously tho’, good luck with law school.

Dave Stewart
Even worse for me. I went for an LL.M. in Tax, a subject that makes even other lawyers’ eyes glaze over.

p.s. I started typing “Deve Stewart” and almost left it in there but didn’t.

8

Oh, yeah, Mr. Devil, don’t plan on ever enjoying “The Practice,” “Law and Order,” etc. ever again.

9

I’m a paralegal. A former classics student. Latin was my life. I never need an excuse to throw Latin into everyday conversation.

Everyone says I should go to law school. I am even hanging out with a classics major-turned law student next week. Who will tell me to go to law school. One of my best friends is starting law school this year. I know he thinks I should go.

I love arguing. Arcana. Sophistry.

Please don’t let me do it. Don’t let me lose sight of my dreams and get waylaid by money, sex, and a successful professional life.

I’m gonna need more than coffee.

10

Amateur. At this time next year, I will be a patent lawyer.

I got a B in Tax, though.

11

I actually don’t get paid for the extra hours unless I make an issue of it. I go in early and stay late for my own peace of mind.

12

Money, maybe, success, maybe, but what is this “sex” you speak of?

13

Well, if Corbin Bernsen can get some, surely a dashing young advocate such as myself should have no problem. :wink:

14

:eek:/
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IAAL2B. Fortunately I’m a lazy bastard so I just can’t see myself contributing anything useful to this thread.

15

Crud.

You people are saying I shouldn’t go to law school with my degrees in Engineering and Philosophy? Where else will I be able to get involved in engineering ethics?

16

Actually, it’s the doctors who are having all the sex. (You remember that thread, don’t you?)

Dr. J

17

You mean to tell me people actually get paid to come in early and stay late? In this country?

Huh. Next thing you know you’ll be telling me that some people get paid extra when they work more than forty hours in a week.

Dr. J

18

My LLM is in Intellectual Property.

My redeeming feature is that I got a C for tax.

[sotto voce] DrJ, I have heard whispers of this…[sideward glace]…they - never mind who- say its called…“over-time”.

19

It is supposed to make a difference whether you are salaried or hourly. At my job, as I have previously stated, it does not, unless I make an issue of it on pay day. At $9.50 an hour, that sucks.

Last night I dreamt of bankruptcies that still haven’t been sent out.

----:eek:/
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