I’ll post more later but her name actually does begin with an O. And yes, we are doing awesome, except for the crazy sister bit.
Slee
This +1.
You can’t demand respect from someone. If you let Sis back into your life because you think it will make your parents happy and not because you have truly reconciled, you’ll be putting in motion a cycle that is guaranteed to repeat itself.
Write the letter, then tear it up. Get on with your life and be happy. One day, if your sister contacts you and acts reasonbly, and you think maybe your relationship might be salvageable, I won’t advise you to shut her out. But start slowly, don’t invite her to your home, and don’t let her have any contact with O unless you’re absolutely satisfied that she has changed. And be prepared to accept that that day may never come.
ETA: Forgot to say that I’m sincerely sorry you’re going through this and I wish you the best.
Update:
Still haven’t emailed my sis. I’ve been busy and not sure if I am going to or not. Probably will but not sure yet. I also wanted to wait until I wasn’t totally enraged at sis.
I went by my parents house to help my Dad with his PC last night. Apparently he has emailed sis and she is emailing back very angry letters, telling him that he had no right to touch her and all kinds of crap.
Of course, she hasn’t admitted to doing anything wrong at all.
Le sigh.
This isn’t going to end well no matter what I do. On top of that, my sis has some serious issues and I doubt that she is going to learn anything from this or make any changes.
O is doing better. Still a little freaked but not as bad.
Right now I am way tired from work (on-call last night and an upgrade that went south this morning). So I am just going to wait for a bit.
Slee
Another vote to not send your sister any letter. As your father has found out, she’s not open to reason and just sees any attempt to discuss her behaviour as an attack on her. YOU might feel the need to send her a letter but if you do you are only responding to her need to control you by giving her ammunition, a ‘reason’ to throw a wild-eyed fit to gain attention. Don’t feed the troll!
You told her you’re done. Writing and sending the letter will inform her that you are NOT done. Actions speak louder than words - if you do not try to contact her, she will maybe start to miss you. Let her be the one to initiate contact. If she does not, it’s her choice to stay away from you until she fixes her social problems.
It’s hard to back off - I know. Been there etc.
an seanchai
My sympathies also, slee. I’m sorry you had to deal with sis’s dramafest at a family gathering, or indeed any time any place.
Stand up for yourself and O. Set your boundaries and insist on them. Let her throw her hissy fit to her heart’s content, as long as it stays outside your boundaries. (I’m working on these lessons myself, I know how tough it can be, and how useful the lady’s support can be.)
Under the common law, battery is an unwanted touch and assault is the creation of an apprehension of battery.
Obviously your own knowledge of the situation is better than random people on a message board, and so you should do what you feel is best. That said, given that others have chimed in against the letter I would like to respectfully disagree. This doesn’t sound yet like a relationship that is irrecoverable, but rather one that needs a major overhaul. I would recommend a letter that is loving and polite but also firm. Start on a positive note, indicating your appreciation of her when she is not being obnoxious, and that you hope to continue a relationship but not the relationship as it now stands. State clearly and calmly why you found her behavior unexceptable and how you expect her to behave if she wasnt to continue the relationship. Finally state that if she has a different view of events or has any other grievances she should lay them out to you calmly and directly rather than going after O. Wait to see how she responds. If she fails to respond or responds with more anger and vitriol then you can dump her. But at least this way you can give her a chance to show some maturity and give her a mature example to emulate.
I figured I’d give an update.
So I got a txt from her this morning. The basics of it come down to she didn’t do anything wrong and it is all my Dads and Os fault. Oh, and I am against her and won’t listen to anything she says.
Le Sigh.
She also bitched about the family phone plan we are on. She suggested it a while ago so we got the family on one plan. Instead of dealing with her b.s. I got a new account. I was looking for a new phone anyway so I got a new phone and told her she can do whatever she wants with the old one. She isn’t getting the new number.
It is rather sad that it is coming to this. However, she won’t take any responsibility for her actions. She continues to blame other people for everything. She is playing the victim.
She needs help. This isn’t the first time she has had issues with people in the family. My brother and my other sister are not on very good terms with her. I had hoped that maybe she would snap, that maybe she would see that something is wrong. Of course, that isn’t gonna happen.
O is still upset. Less so but still unhappy about the whole damned thing. I am just going to wash my hands of her.
My Mom and Dad really don’t know what to do. They know that sis screwed up, that she started all this crap and was out of control.
Oh well. And so it goes.
Slee
So it goes. Indeed.
Kudos to you, Slee for keeping your cool.
I’ve got my own experiences with the crazy/drunkeness psycho, and you’re a better man than I. You held your position and I wish you and O nothing but the best of happiness.
Good job.
I think you have 2 options:
-
Cut her out of your life. That means completely, so do not waste time sending her letters, responding to her texts, etc. Not that hard to do, but affects the rest of your family, too – probably makes it hard to have everyone present for holidays, etc.
-
Together with other family members, do an ‘intervention’. Try or threaten to have her legally committed for treatment. This is a lot more work & emotional suffering for you, but it does hold out help for a good outcome – she might get treatment, it might be successful, resulting in a reconciled relationship with the family, and a much better relationship in the future. And she will be better off, too. But in the meantime, a much tougher road to go. And if it fails, you can always fall back on option 1.
I guess I would talk with other members of the family, and see if they are open to the idea of an intervention & commitment. Maybe even talk to her boyfriend. Option 2 will only work if all or at least most of the family works together to do it. If you all don’t see much chance of it being successful, then it isn’t worth the emotional trouble to try it.