I didn’t. It got to a point where I realized I was getting way too hung up on “virginity.” What does it mean, exactly? Fingers, tongues? Where is the line between having it and “losing” it? Penetration or no? If I go down on him, am I still a virgin if he doesn’t go down on me? What if it’s a she, instead?
Then I realized that “virginity” is a completely arbitrary, false distinction. I don’t suddenly lose something because one day I let him move his finger a half inch farther down. I was making myself crazy over nothing. So rather than worry about some arbitrary line I may or may not be crossing, if only I could figure out where it was; I decided I’d be mentally healthier just to trust my instincts and not overthink it to death. I certainly enjoyed it a lot more, and it was a relief to lay that burden down.
Not that I jumped straight into bed with the next guy I saw. But once I did start seeing someone it made the whole process of building trust and intimacy flow a lot easier.
That, and I realized that marriage wasn’t guaranteed. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to let myself end up on my deathbed cursing how much I’d missed out on.
It’s less about “bad” than it is about incompatible. Two people with no experience, not surprisingly, may not know what exactly they like in bed. So then these two people are making discoveries about their sexual preferences for the first time… and what happens if they learn that their preferences are in conflict? What if he’s a foot fetishist and getting her feet worshiped freaks her out? What if she likes bondage and he doesn’t? What if she needs it every day and he’s fine with twice a month, thanks?
Given that sex is pretty much a foundational element of marriage, discovering that you’re really incompatible sexually only after you’ve committed yourselves and tied it up with a nice legal bow, would kinda suck.
I feel your pain. I’ve been dating a girl for 6+ months now who is saving herself for marriage. She is open to pretty much anything except for penis in vagina intercourse. I’m a virgin too and more than willing to lose it, like, yesterday, which is not helping matters.
I’ve told her I respect her wishes. And I honestly do. But if I had known from the beginning that she is a virgin and is waiting I probably wouldn’t have dated her in the first place. She has also done a lot of growing up since around the time she has met me. I’ve introduced her to drinking, partying and etc., so maybe she will come around to the idea of having sex on her own, but I really don’t know if she will or not.
I just wish she would treat having sex as an informed personal decision and not one that is weighed down by parental and religous guilt. I don’t feel comfortable pressuring her about this so we’ve only discussed it a couple times, but it is having a definite negative impact on our relationship.
My brother and his wife waited. I haven’t asked about the details of related conversations, but from what I know of SiL and her sexual experience, I know they also didn’t perform other kinds of sex (she totally freaked out when, during a conversation she started, Mom and me explained about “girl on top” and “doggie style,” thinking that by this one we meant anal). He’s more religious, she’s got much bigger sex hangups.
My BFF waited. She says that it was because she’s a believer and her husband isn’t: she was convinced that the only way to get him to agree to a Catholic wedding and to baptizing the kids was to hold back, so she did. In her words: “if he’d been a believer? Honey, I would’a raped him when we were 15!”
…Which can make it quite a special thing (admittedly, only if it works)
Can a person have preferences here and not know in advance what they are? If so, how are they preferences?
Fair point.
I’m kinda with Cat Fight on this one - I think that sexual compatibility is to a certain extent created on the fly.
I can see that people who are highly experienced with many notches on the bedpost might have developed all sorts of preferences and these could clash with someone else if they have a similar experienced background, however, but for newbies, preferences can - within reason - be built around each other, and that can be a positive thing.
I waited till I was married. My wife was divorced with 2 children. For me, it was a personal choice but based on my christian values. I realised as a teenager (before it really became an issue) that virginity didn’t really matter as far as salvation was concerned - premaritial sex was just another sin to be forgiven along with the many others I committed. But the opportunity to love and grow sexually together was a gift I could keep for my life partner, and I had one shot at that.
And (after 20 years), it is obvious to me that sex is a pretty small part of what has kept us together. A few months physical restraint at the beginning of our life together was nothing compared with the challenges we did face over the years. We enjoy sex, and would regret it if circumstances conspired to take it away, but our relationship and life together is a whole lot bigger than our sex life.
My friends waited. The guy had “dated” a few girls before the two of them got together, but they got together when he was 16 and she was 17 so he hadn’t really had a chance to be too serious about sex yet.
They got married 5 years later, and apparently are sexually compatible because it’s been 9 years and I haven’t heard any complaints.
I waited until I was 23, had one almost one-night stand (I would call the attempt largely unsucessful, as i’ve documented in other threads) and then didn’t wait, but ended up marrying the first guy I actually slept with - and he was the only one I had been with up to that time.
Here’s my ten cents: I think sexual compatability is important in people - but I think you can figure that out without having sex, just having good communication.
I respect people who want to wait, as long as they are waiting by their choice. I personally waited because I was ‘supposed’ to - and in reality - I partly married my now-ex husband because I slept with him, and wanted to be able to say that he was my only. (Not that I was his.)
If I had it to do all over again - I would have not waited so long or let that be a deciding factor in who I married. I don’t think at this stage in my life, if I was single again, I would be willing to wait until marriage. Of course, it’s a moot point.
Heck, my SO and I didn’t even wait 24 hours. But I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had and we will be celebrating 2 years in March.
I didn’t wait. My wife, a Jehova’s Witness, was going to wait till marriage. Then she met me. Her determination lasted another two hours. Because I’m a stud, you see.
My sister-in-law is now 28 and still waiting. I feel bad for her because she has unnecessarily narrowed her potential mate pool by dating only JWs. I don’t need to tell you that there are very few single, JW, males her age. She may be waiting a while.
I do tend to find that my friends who waited eliminated a lot of great potential mates because they wouldn’t consider dating anyone else who hadn’t waited.
My one friend is 39, religious, has struggled with her weight all her life, is very opinionated and somewhat of an academic snob. Add virgin-seeks-virgin to that, and you’ll understand my reservations on her ever finding someone.
Please note: I added the weight thing because she was more self-conscious as a result. I am fat but fabu, so this was less of a problem for me.
Personally, I didn’t wait, but I did end up marrying the guy I “lost it” to. The marriage ended up in divorce, though certainly not for that reason. At this point, I see no reason to withhold something like sex from a relationship, as I think it’s an integral part of any healthy loving adult relationship.
I’m kind of surprised to see so many people who have either waited, or know someone who has. I had one friend who was holding out for marriage, and after dating her boyfriend for 3 years, she contacted me frantic that she had given in and slept with him and wanted me to talk to her so she wouldn’t feel guilty for it. (She was 22 at the time, to put things into perspective).
My parents raised me very liberally and I think that had a major influence on my own personal views about it. I’ve even had conversations with both my parents where they’ve told me they think sex before marriage is a good thing (as long as you are in a “healthy loving relationship”). I think too much emphasis is put on sex, though. Sure, it’s an integral part of a relationship, but it should never be the focus of a relationship, just a perk…
breaking-reality, I hear what you are saying and I agree. See if you agree with this:
I also don’t think sex should be a focus of a relationship, but I do think that sexual-compatability should be a consideration before committing to that relationship. Because it is so often a bone (pun possibly intended) of contention later on.
My ex definitely had a lower sex drive than I did, and it definitely caused a wedge in our relationship. But I think more than anything, the sex was an indicator of other issues, mainly the lack of communication.
I often say that you can have great sex without having a good relationship, but that I am always suspect when someone tells me they have a great relationship but bad sex. Because sex is communicating. And if you can’t communicate your wants and needs in bed, or if your partner is unwilling/unable to provide them for you - then Houston, you’ve got a problem.
I couldn’t seem to communicate to my ex what I wanted/needed in way that he understood or was willing to provide. We both did the “signals” thing - where we felt the other should “know” that when we did this or that it was a signal that we wanted x or z. But neither of us communicated that in anything but anger/disappointment well after the fact.
So to circle back around to the OP, I didn’t wait but not waiting didn’t make my marriage stronger. Communication was the thing I ended up waiting on, and by waiting to figure out how to communicate, I ended up in a bad marriage that I’ve had to move on from.
Absolutely! One of the reasons I chose not to wait was that I think sexual-compatibility is very important. As has been mentioned above, “bad sex” can be worked on, and can even become great sex, but there are a lot of factors that go into having a healthy sex life. The key, like you said, is communication. My ex had a lower sex drive than I did, but, it was more of a sign that other issues were going on as this wasn’t always the case.
I do think you can have great sex without having a good relationship, but I think those circumstances either progress into something more, or burn out rather quickly. I agree wholeheartedly that sex is communication, which is probably the number one reason why those who’ve posted above waited til marriage but still have great sex lives. In my opinion, it’s doesn’t matter when into a relationship you start having sex, what matters is how well you communicate with the other person.
It depends on your definiton of waiting. To me, if you’re going to everything but “IT” then why bother, in my book you’ve long lost your viginity anyway. Of course that’s my opinion.
Virginity is like anything a choice. Years and years ago, I made a decision not to drink. I’ve not had a drink since my sisters wedding when I was 16. If I tell people, they all think I’m an ex-alcoholic. Truthfully, I don’t like the taste. A beer? Please I’d rather have a Coke. Again, it’s just me, but it won’t stop people from thinking what they’d like, 'cause I don’t drink
What you do is a personal choice, and in the end, despite everything, you really can’t “prove” anything either way anyway.
The first guy I dated seriously was very Catholic when we first met. And by very, I’m talking about the former altar boy, all-boy Catholic school, go to mass every Sunday type of Catholic. Obviously, he was planning on saving himself for marriage.
Seeing as most of my friends were wait-for-marriage types back then, and seeing as my parents had been subtly nudging me in that direction for practical reasons (ie. a few too many cousins getting dragged down the aisle after unplanned pregnancies), I figured I’d go along with it. It’s not like I had any idea of what I was missing, anyways.
We lasted a little over a year before deciding that waiting was overrated.
(As it turns out, I’m the exact opposite of a wait-for-marriage type… I also ended up buying a house with my SO before marriage, and neither of us is showing any inclination to put a ring on it anytime soon, so Og knows what else we’ll do before marriage)
Yes, we both did. Both religious reasons as well as pregnancy concerns. And it’s a good thing, too, since we ended up getting pregnant within a few months of getting married, even when taking precautions.
