Wally the Cop

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have a neighbour, Tony, (Tonys are everywhere. My daughter’s boyfriend is Tony, my barber is Tony, one of the guys who works for me is Tony, My godson is Tony…) is a bit of a practical joker. Sunday he came over with two jugs of wine, so I knew something was up. A friend of his, whom I’ve never met, is nearing his 50th birthday, and it was decided that there would be a party at this friend’s house Friday night. His wife and two daughters are in Italy and it’s going to be stag. Just the guys.

Tony tells me that Mr.________ (henceforth to be known as “the victim”) is terrified of the police. Not that he’s a criminal. Quite the contrary. It’s some kind of phobia or something. Now I have a friend, Dennis, who is a Police Constable and I’ve introduced him to Tony a few years back. Dennis comes over fairly often to mooch a meal because he’s divorced and too lazy to cook. If Tony is outside, he’ll wave or come over and we’ll sit in the backyard and tell lies.

So Tony wants me to ask Dennis to come to the party in uniform, knock on the door, and rough the victim up, verbally of course. And threaten to arrest him on some trumped up charge. Everyone will be in on it except the victim.

I said that it wasn’t really that funny, and to think of something else. Tony said, “No. This is perfect. It’s genius. It’s brilliant. This guy will tremble like a bowl of jello. If Dennis does it right, the guy will piss in his pants.”

So I said, “I like it. I’ll call Dennis.”

I called Dennis and he said no way. “I could lose my job for a stunt like that.”

I give Tony the bad news, but Tony is no quitter. He says, “So you do it. Borrow Dennis’ uniform and you be the cop.” So I’m thinking, Dennis is 6’2" and over 200 pounds. I’m 5’11" and 175. The uniform will be baggy, but the victim probably won’t notice.

Again Dennis says no.

By this time, I’m caught up in this, and I really want to do it.

Then I got an idea. I call Dennis back and say, “We’ll both go. You’re the Constable and I’m the plain clothes detective. Let me do all the talking. That way, if there’s any backlash, you were just attending the party. You never said a word. You’ll be in uniform because we wanted to take pictures. But nobody will say anything because they’re all in it. Be a pal. Please. Tony will give you a couple of huge jugs of wine.”

Dennis says, “You know I don’t drink, asshole.”

I said, “Exactly. That’s the beauty of it. You can give the wine to me. And the wife will make stuffed peppers next time you come over.”

Anyways, he finally agreed to it, although very reluctantly. He made me promise not to take it too far or he would stop it.

“You owe me big for this, jerkoff,” he says.

“Right. And Tony owes me. Get it from him,” says I.

I’m going to see if I can buy a fairly realistic set of handcuffs. (Dennis won’t let me use his) I probably won’t cuff him, but I’ll make sure he sees them.

I will post the result of this little stunt on Saturday. Unless it’s a dud. Tony will bring a small tape recorder, presumably to torment the victim from time to time.

2

I’m having visions of WallyM7 as Allessandro Allegre, the chief in the Beasty Boys’ Sabotage video :smiley:

3

Where do you people think of these things?? :slight_smile:
Let us know what happens!! This could be really good.

4

Don’t forget the gravy stains on your tie and the cheesy notebook and pencil. (Ya gotta look the part.)

5

Who’s going to push the bike?

6

This has ‘bad idea’ written all over it.

If I was your cop friend I’d tell you to grow up.

My SO, ‘borrowed’ his friends RCMP outfit, for an equally stupid and similar stunt.

When it did not go ‘exactly’ as planned, he almost ended up in jail.

I swear to God, men are like freaking bears with furniture!

Putz!

7

Don’t forget: whenever you want to use the word “Putz,” substitute “punk.” You’ll be well on your way to cop-dom.

How sure are you that this guy isn’t a criminal? I’ve never known anyone who’s scared of cops that isn’t.

8

I don’t know, Coldfire. I see him like Columbo. :smiley:

Good luck, Wally! I hope you can pull it off.

9

So, when are the stuffed peppers gonna be ready? I’m hungry.

10

Wally, I’ve always stood by you. Through heart surgery, disasters of gerbillic proportions, you name it. Therefore, as someone who considers himself your friend, let me state:

Back out. Back out wildly and with great abandon. Whatever torment you have to suffer at the hands of Tony in the future is well worth avoiding this.

Think about the following ramifications:

1.) Victim has a phobia of the police, and Tony says its unfounded. Uh-huh. You sure about Tony’s judgement on this? Could Victim be hiding some deep dark secret that your impersonation happens to run across? Could Victim, sensing his impending doom for finally being caught for that double murder back in '84, excuse himself for a minute and then come back in with guns blazing, screaming, “You’ll never get me, you dirty bastards!” Or could Victim, realizing that all of his lies have finally caught up with him, wander off and hang himself before he’s forced to reveal all to his family?

2.) Victim has a serious phobia of the police. Are you sure you won’t push him too far? I mean, Christ, what if he has a heart attack from the stress?

3.) How would you feel if, for your next birthday, I knocked on your door and began flinging mice at you?
Look, I enjoy a good practical joke as much as the next guy- probably more, in fact, given the family-joke heritage- but there’s a line between “mildly embarassing that we can all laugh about later” and “pushing some guy’s buttons as hard as we can”.

11

So Wally, when the victim sees the cop, leaps off the floor, smashes into the ceiling and flops down to the floor dead, are you all gonna have a secret little funeral for him in the back yard?
Are you gonna buy the widow a bowl of goldfish to make up for her deceased husband?

Whatever. I’d still like video!

12

nah, more like the chief !!!

13

I, too, wonder about people who play on other’s phobias. I think it’s just really, really cruel. I mean, it’s like they never got past the frat boy stage.

I guess I expected better from you, WallyM7. Or at least something a little less obvious than “Hey, this guys afraid of cops! Let’s dress up like cops and torment him!”

14

Wally . . . I haven’t been here (either on this board or on Earth) long but I smell potential disaster here. Playing a joke like this could seriously harm your friend, and has great potential to end your friendship. Period.

If that’s what you want, go ahead. If I were both your friend and the victim’s friend, I’d divorce you right now for even thinking about this. It’s just not funny.

I should mention here that I had something similar happen to me in high school and it was not funny. I hope those who orchestrated it understood that at the time and now, but I doubt it. It was, after all, high school, and they were imbeciles.

Patrick

15

Gee guys, it seemed like such a great idea. Maybe it ain’t.

I’d better have a talk with Tony.

Dammit! You guys never let me have any fun.

Shayna, it’s funny that you mentioned Columbo. I have him down pat. I even have a little routine worked up. Everybody loved it at first, but they’re all sick of it now.

Excuse me sir, I don’t mean to bother you but…oh, this is a very nice place you have here. My wife would love this. Can I have your autograph? It’s for my wife. She’s a big fan of yours. But there’s one thing bothering me…well, I know you’re busy sir, but it’s for the report. Do you have a match?

16

Well, I don’t necessarily disagree that playing a practical joke on someone’s phobias isn’t such a great idea. But just a bit of food for thought about the whole pretend cop thing…

A few years ago someone I worked with was “arrested” at the office by the local sheriff. It really was the sheriff, and not an imposter. However, they weren’t really arrested. It was a fundraising thing for the American Cancer Society that they put on in conjunction with the police. They had set up fake jail cells in the middle of the mall and they had tables with phones set up in them. They’d take the people who’d been arrested there and they’d have to call people to get “bail” money so they could be released. All the proceeds, of course, went to the Cancer Society. All in good fun and nobody had heart attacks that I know of.

But it’s probably not a bad idea to rethink this particular stunt. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of fun anyway! :slight_smile:

17

Maybe if you get an Indian, a construction worker, and a cowboy to show up you guys can delight him with a rousing song and dance routine.

18

SwimmingRiddles said:

My neighbour when I was a kid was a Sth African immigrant. Even after ten years in Australia, she’d drop her shopping and run at the sight of a police uniform. If you don’t know people who aren’t scared of the police, you are very fortunate.

picmr

19

Why don’t you hire a stripper to dress up like a cop. He’ll be scared for about 30 seconds until she starts peeling off her clothes. She’ll probably supply the handcuffs too.

20

Rachelle, that is a great idea!