I made the dire mistake of answering my cellphone on the way home from a round of golf. My wife asked where I was, so, being the devoted husband of 28 years I answered her by correctly identifying my location. She said “Good, please stop by the Walmart and pick a some chickens, a bag of potatoes, and makings for a nice salad, your brother and his wife just showed up from Florida two days early.”
I thought that what could possibly go wrong by the Walmart and picking up some chickens, a bag of potatoes and salad makings. Was I ever wrong.
I entered the parking lot and encountered a young man of about 19 who must have weighed no more than 99 pounds pushing a hundred yard long train of shopping carts up the middle of the lane towards the store. The carts were in a complex “S” shape and he had the carts rubbing the bumpers of the cars on each side of the parking lane. I pulled over several rows and found a parking place that was not filled with other carts and then entered the store.
I made it past the person asking how I was as if they gave a rip and went through ten carts before I found one without garbage in it. I made my way to the meat aisle and picked up four whole chickens and then made my way to the produce aisle and got some potatoes and the salad makings. I thought that I was home free, was I ever wrong.
I parked my cart in the shortest line and had to wait no more than 40 minutes before it was my turn to be checked out, once again, I thought I was home free.
I put my bagged chickens, potatoes and salad makings in my cart and proceeded towards the exit. I was stopped by the same person that asked how I was and ordered to provide her with my cash register tape so she could check my purchases. I pulled the tape from one of the bags and she commenced to check over the tape and compare it to the items in the cart. She started with the vegetables and everything was fine there, one ten pound bag of potatoes, two heads of lettuce, two cucumbers, two bunches of radishes, two bunches of scallions, two red bell peppers, the only thing left was the chickens and I was out of there. She started questioning me when she got to the chickens. “Are you going to eat this or use it for something else, food is not taxed but things to be used as other than food are taxed, you did not pay tax on this purchase.” I wasn’t sure I had heard her and asked her to repeat herself and she did, verbatim.
At this point, my warped sense of humor took control. I told her that I intended on eating the vegetables but that I was not going to eat the chickens. I knew, I just knew she would ask why I was not going to eat the chickens, and she did. I told her that we intended on resurrecting the chickens and turning them free so they could go forth and preach the virtues of a vegetarian life.
The woman started screaming and pointing at me, “Blasphemy! Beelzebub! Legion of misery! Damned of the damned!” and then she ran into the store still screaming.
I looked around at the crowd staring at her (and me) and wheeled my cart out to the parking lot and went home. We enjoyed the grilled chickens, mashed potatoes and salad. Now my brother want to go to the Walmart and encounter the same person.
