I agree with the others who have said that it’s your reponsibility to try to correct his behavior (before the next trip!). However, in addition to talking with him personally, you may be able to find some business etiquette training sessions somewhere (like with AMA). The course probably wouldn’t be specific to Asian cultures, but it sounds like this guy just does not have basic manners.
p.s. – It’s not clear whether you are actually this guy’s manager. If you’re not, then you should definitely speak with his manager. His manager should take care of it.
Exactly. Subtlety only works on subtle people. If he were perceptive enough to derive benefit from this approach, he would be subtle enough to have picked up on the cues in the business/dining situations.
If this guy is mid-thirties or younger, he may be suffering from a syndrome (that impacts homelife and has implications at work, too) that many of my friends have been finally identifying in their husbands/boyfriends as “Mom and Dad always said the sun shines out my ass” syndrome. Somewhere along the line (the 70s, as far as we can tell), a lot of parenting shifted to an almost 100% encouraging, accepting, praising approach and schools followed suit, though perhaps to a lesser degree. I think this may have been an excessive swing of the pendulum to try to “pacify” boys. Whatever. It may even have been a net improvement over waht came before, but it has left a lot of men with the basic impression that rules of refinement do not apply to them – that they are exceptions because they are exceptional.
To get through to someone like this, you may have to be sufficiently direct and clear and critical (without being devastating) to cut through all those years of unconditional acceptance and encouragement. Not easy. It’s the sort of task that a lot of wives and girlfriends would be delighted to contract out, and that you as an employer may have a more realistic opportunity to contract out.
I am among his direct supervisors so this is my job.
He is in his mid-30s and may well have been coddled as a kid. He’s definitely a self-coddler (gives himself lots of naps and manages to have a dubious illness once or twice per trip).
Once and for all I will cop to being overly reluctant to focus on the “personal skills” aspect of supervision; I’m much more comfortable ripping apart (constructively, of course) a memo this guy’s written than sitting down and saying, “Dude, WTF were you thinking when you said that at dinner?”
I’m still searching for the single mantra that will communicate everything he needs to know. “Business dinners aren’t about eating, or about you; they’re about the client.” “Don’t rock the boat.” “If you don’t like it, wait it out and you can always make it up later.” “When in doubt, smile and take what you’re given.”
The best version I’ve come up with (the operative one that I use on myself) – “Go into these business-social occasions expecting nothing, other than that you’ll need to be cheerful and entertaining and deferential for three hours – and if by chance the client steers us toward some good food and drink, that’s just a bonus (which we can’t, however, rely upon or demand).”
May you be more fortunate with this approach than all the women in his past who have already tried something like it to make him presentable in a social-social occasion.
Huerta, handing him a book is marginally better than doing nothing at all. You (or his manager) need to work to correct the problem. You have very valid complaints about junior’s behavior. Now it is up to you to communicate these complaints to him in a clear and concise manner and offer concrete solutions so that he can become an asset to your company instead of a liability.
It’s hard to really comment without knowing his background. There are a LOT of people that behave in ways we consider rude in public venues, not because they are trying to be but simply because they don’t know any different. Have you seen him in other settings? Is this is normal pattern of behaviour? Has he given you any reason to believe that he has learned these social skills and is just choosing not to use them? I’m not at all saying that a person in their 30’s shouldn’t know these and it is squarely on him to develop them, but you assessment does come across as needlessly harsh.
oh, I also would agree with the book and/or seminar that covers business travel and foreign ettiquite. It really doesn’t matter to your company if he behaves like a philistine on his time, but he certainly should learn proper behaviour on business trips. 
I don’t think that will cut it, because there’s not one single thing that he’s doing wrong - he needs a complete business/social interaction overhaul. If you’re not comfortable discussing his behavior with him in detail, then you need to get together with his other supervisors and figure out how you’re going to handle it. You guys are his superiors not only because you have better manners and more business sense, but because you’re expected to instill those things in him.
You can’t send him on another business trip until you get him straightened out. Well, you can, I guess, but you shouldn’t expect anything different.
Is this problem mostly about food? Because if it is, I have a friend just like this. He’s a normally pretty likable guy, but when food comes around something short-wires in his brain and he starts acting incredibly cluelessly. Here are his offenses:
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- He’ll walk in to my house (or stranger’s houses) and just pick up bags of chips, etc. and start eating them, without asking.
- He’ll reach in to bags of food other people are eating and it from it- over and over again- without asking. Even after being asked not to. If you reprimand him enough, he starts waiting until you aren’t looking to steal your food.
- Hey, where was that bowl of popcorn we were eating while watching the movie? Oh, he’s gone off in the corner with it and is shoveling it in his mouth with one arm, his other arm protectively preventing anyone else from reaching in.
- He regards things like candy bowls and party snacks to be “free dinner” and will say so much loudly. Indeed, he’ll say things like “This is a fun party. I love parties because I can get free alcohol” loudly, after he’s just poured about half of the party’s liquor in his cup.
- At visits, parties, etc. He’ll repeatedly walk over to the fridge, open it, look around, realize none of that food is his, and close it. Sometimes he’ll go through cabinets. If anything looks interesting, he’ll ask for it. I hate saying “no” to guests, so I have to hide my good food.
- He ALWAYS takes the biggest slice. I won’t do communal dinners because I know I’ll get shorted, not just in a little way, but in a “he ate my portion and now I’m hungry” way.
- He always “forgets” about tax and tip when offering up his part of shared restaurant bills
- He always asks for “just one piece”, over and over again (as in, it’s never just one piece), no matter what you are eating- be it nasty cough drops, or a $25.00 piece of chocolate you’ve just been given as a special gift, or your stated only meal for the day. If food is being eaten, he must eat, too. And he doesn’t seem to realize that he is capable of buying food if he wants it.
- He watches anyone eating like sharks. He hovers. He makes sure you are very well aware that he wants some, and that when you finish he wants the leftovers.
- He complains about his weight, but snacks compulsively. Once I made of bowl of noodles that was too disgusting to eat. I invited him to eat the rest. He tried it and declined and put the bowl in the kitchen. Over the course of the night (which was a dinner party with plenty of food) he ate the whole bowl of gross. He eats because it is there and edible, not because of any desire to eat or delight at the taste.
[/ul]
The worst part about this is that he is independently wealthy and capable of buying all the food he wants even though he doesn’t have a job (and indeed, any trip to a store means he’ll be buying a lot of snacks and maybe a couple drinks). But most of his friends are struggling and poor and have to economize on food. Once he ate my bag of tortilla chips that was to become three dinners of nachos and represented a good chunk of that week’s food budget. All mindlessly, without enjoyment, without asking, simply because it was there.
Sorry I got caught up ranting there. I’ve had a lot to get off my chest. The point is that some people just can’t act properly when food comes in to play.
Sven, have you or anyone else ever confronted that guy, or called him out on his wildly inappropriate behavior? I take my food pretty seriously too, but I have some class, and I’d probably have knocked that kids block off long ago for pulling that crap around me.
Enroll him in one of those etiquette classes and tell him it’s called something like “Advanced International Etiquette” rather than “Remedial Manners for Boors.” This way he can view it as an honor rather than a punishment. Then tell him he needs to pay attention, because the new clients are very particular about such things, and the company needs their business. If after all that he continues to act the same way then fire him.
Oh yeah. On a near daily basis we’ll say things like “Why are you looking in our fridge? None of that food is yours” and “Hey, why don’t you go to the 7-11 that is one block down the street and buy your own chips?” and “You really have to ask first before you eat someone else’s food” and “I think everyone should chip in for the beer Bob brought to this party” and “maybe you should go get dinner before you come over”. Sometimes I feel like a big bitch, but being blunt is the only thing that works. I hate hurting my friends like that.
It’s hard because he comes over frequently (like, several times a week until very late at night) but still conducts himself like a rare and honored guest and expects dinner and drinks and snacks and we just can’t afford to feed another household member- especially one who has twenty times more money than we’ve ever seen in our life sitting in his bank account. A bag of chips or two-liter of soda for us is a once-a-month indulgence that we carefully ration. But for him it’s a night’s worth of mindless eating. But I still have trouble telling a guest “no, you can’t have that. Buy your own damn food.”
He’s learned a bit about asking and has began to get better about buying his own snacks when he wants them. But I think it’s mostly pavlovian “my friends get mad when I do this” than actually learning to be aware and considerate about food. I know he’s embarrassed about it and I feel bad that I’m always pointing out these faults. But I also think it’s better to learn this stuff around me than on, say, a business trip.
Mostly. I suspect he’s kind of fussy and demanding across the board, but that food (especially in foreign climes where he’s nervous that he won’t be able to follow his routine, whatever that is) becomes a focal point for the fussiness. I’d be pretty shocked if he didn’t have comparable hang-ups/quirks as regards sleep habits, toilette, etc., and that he’s dissatisfied with how the foreegeners accommodate these as well, but the food stuff is the major point in which the quasi-business and quasi-personal overlap significantly.
The additional piece of information I kind of want to convey to him in hopes of softening the blow (though I’m sure it would actually just confuse the issue) is that this is all about context – I’ve probably done most (not all) of the things that I’ve singled out as faux pas, but only with friends and family (e.g., ordering extra food, asking for ranch dressing on the side, firmly turning down something I think of as gross – though I’d still hope that even en famille I’d draw the line at hogging the first and last piece of anything). I understand his impulses, to some extent and, yes, I have been known to follow up a business dinner in Asia with a second dinner and a quart of water (they don’t like serving water, for some reason). It’s just a question of recognizing but not giving into those impulses or dissatisfactions in the context of a working dinner.
even sven, I would say that your friend is a compulsive overeater, except that we usually hide our binging from others and eat reasonably in public. Then I would think he is trying to get caught or have someone help him, but you have already called him out on it. If he is compulsive, he is being ruled by the food; NOTE that is not an excuse for his bad behavior but if it’s the case he may have a hard time figuring out alternatives.
{Forgive me if this multiposts; it’s having trouble getting through.}
There are exceptions. I went to Tokyo with a colleague who was deathly allergic to shellfish (and I mean deathly) and he was quite good about firmly but politely refusing it at business dinners. (Then I had to convince the waitress that not all Westerners are allergic. )
I agree that this person needs a class on business ettiquette. But Hurerta, and don’t take this wrong, you need a refresher class on managing. Immediate feedback is absolutely essential to being a good manager. I’ve gotten it, and I’ve given it, and it has always worked out well. You had the opportunity to very clearly and specifically tell this person what he was doing wrong as soon as you got back to your hotel. When these issues go on his performance review (which they should) they shouldn’t be a surprise.
Well one of the major problems with communicating bad news is meeting needs. People have needs. They need to feel they are doing a good job, they need to feel approved of, they need to not be humiliated, etc. It is a horrible idea to just dress him down as that will prevent anyone from wanting to come to you for advice after word gets around about it.
So try to figure out what his needs are and to find a way to promote this conduct that is concurrent with his wants and needs instead of a threat to them (ie making him feel stupid, humiliated, inept, etc). Let him know that everyone could use improvement somewhere and that once he adopts these customs his business will improve and he will have better results, better job security and perhaps a higher income.
it may sound overly PC and feminine, but at the end of the day poor business communication is a major problem. People keeping their anger inside, people exploding and not caring about other people’s feeling aren’t something to ignore.
I will have to say that you probably WERE smug. The reason that I say so is because what you did is very similar to what I have often done in similar circumstances. You seem to be *too * ready to point out “It’s not about YOU!!! It’s about (my idea of what) our hosts (want)!” These are the kind of things that frequently roll off my tongue (well, they WOULD, if I had any guts). It sounds like what I went through with a subordinate of mine, whose coworkers had stirred me up against. (Their seeming integrity turned to ashes, but the ‘offending’ employee’s minor faults had been blown up by the coterie. Fortunately, as a last resort I transferred him to my immediate area, and he proved himself better than these jokers. More longevity with the company, too!)
You chose as one of your bulleted points his singling out the most expensive food “in view of the fact that the client would be paying for the WHOLE dinner.” This seems to me that you are picking on him a bit, and you are magnifying everything because he IS off on one or two issues. Of course the client is paying for THE WHOLE dinner. He wouldn’t have asked you out if he wasn’t going to. He is the host. Not you. Of course, the client is paying! If he couldn’t afford it, he would have told you all to meet him after dinner. Besides, there may be SOME truth in what your nemesis thinks, e.g., some hosts often want to impress their guests, and would want somebody to order the most expensive entree. Many would be ashamed to know that a guest left their table hungry. (sure, a guest shouldn’t let on, but even the very idea would chill me.) Sure, he may be a pig, but you need to let him know that these are boundaries that are set by you, and not that he is being the ugly American, or disgracing the company. Even the much vaunted social graces of the Asians make allowances for other cultures, and people with less breeding, the same way that civilized Americans do of foreigners over here. We aren’t the only nation that gets satisfaction out of being more refined than the rest of the world, and account overlooking boorishness as part of the price paid for this privilege. I think that you should cut the guy a big chunk of slack, and rethink the whole thing in this light.
And then fire him 
(just joking on that last)
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I don’t have time to plow through the entire thread, but given that he’s your subordinate and you have appreciated since day one that his misconduct reflects poorly on your organization, you’ve proven yourself fairly incompetent as a manager and a poor prospect for promotion. No offense, but point the finger at yourself.