Not an asshole. You offered, they declined, you both went on your way.
Did you actually ask for help? Because if you needed help, it seems a bit perverse to grumble that the guy you didn’t ask for help didn’t automatically offer it.
I’ve been asked on various occasions to grab something from a high shelf for a shorter person. It’s not a big deal. But unless the guy was pointing and laughing or recording your struggles for YouTube or something, I’m not seeing the issue here.
Shodan is totally correct and I fully support this answer.
I often get asked by little old ladies (and the very occasional short college age hottie) to get something for them from the top shelf, but I wait to be asked. In the case of the wheelchair user, if I could see it was a struggle I’d offer help.
I agree that you did nothing wrong. You made a polite offer, it was refused, you went on with your day. Wheelchair guy didn’t make an issue out of your offer, you didn’t make an issue out of his refusal.
I say not an asshole. I think the polite thing is to offer anyone help who appears to need assistance. As long as you backed off when they said “no thanks,” you were fine.
As described, no. Had you pushed the point beyond that (with say “Are you sure?”) then it would have been a yes.
I don’t know if it is gender-related. I had a friend who used a wheelchair who was male, and when we went out to lunch in an unfamiliar place the waitress sometimes asked me what he wanted to eat. Whether or not that constitutes “talking down” is subject to question, I guess.
OTOH, I can imagine that constantly being asked if you need help could get a little wearying, and I wouldn’t be surprised if occasionally someone gets exasperated.
The burden of politeness falls on both parties. Offer to help if you think it necessary, accept whatever they say without comment, and the person who does or does not want the help is socially obliged to respond politely, even if it is the fiftieth time that day that someone offered.
Regards,
Shodan
I would have been rude and patronizing if you’d helped him without asking, regardless if he was in a wheelchair. But there’s nothing rude about asking if someone wants help. Maybe he needed it and would feel uncomfortable asking a stranger.
The name for the cane that blind people use is “white cane.”
By far, most of the white canes I see daily are folding canes (they come in various lengths so an individual can have one the appropriate length for his height. N.B.: floor to center of sternum is just about right). White canes also come in an orthopedic support cane variety (think “candy cane” but without the striping. Also much larger). Usually, someone with such a cane actually needs the support it provides, and it’s appropriate to offer a seat.
If the offer is declined, it’s appropriate to let it go. And politeness from all parties is always appropriate.
No, you weren’t an asshole. Dude seems like an ornery prick, but maybe he just hit his limit for people “helping” him that week, tough to say.
Both of my grandfathers were disabled. One was a double amputee and the other paralyzed on one side of his body due to a stroke. They were both proud men, but I never knew either one to be offended by a polite offer of help. Those were the days before handicapped accessible was a reality, so there were times when we needed the help. Getting grandpa and his (heavy, steel) wheelchair up a several flights of stairs was no easy task for two fit and strong teens like my brother and me. It was an impossibility for my tiny grandma alone.
I go to a lot of trainings on various topics at work, and in many cases the information provided is general and not particularly helpful. However, there was a point made in a training related to students with disabilities that really stuck with me, which was the difference between asking “do you want some help?” and “do you need some help?” The first was preferred, because anyone might want some help, or might not, in which case you move on, while the second carried more judgement about who determines what someone else needs.
And it wasn’t so much about the grammar of the thing, no one was claiming that it was literally the difference of one word that made something great or awful … but just pointing out that it was reflective of the mindset of the person offering. Are you genuinely asking if someone wants some assistance, or are you assuming that you know what the other person needs?
So yeah, I agree that you politely offered help, it was politely declined, everyone moved on with their lives.
Dude was perfectly polite, it’s the OP’s wife who got out the high horse.
I once offered an older gentleman I saw struggling with his cane and a shopping cart in the heavy snow. I sad, “Sir, I can carry that milk for for so you don’t have to bring the cart?”
He turned and saw my uniform and gave me a giant hug and said in a heavily accented voice, “NO! You take care of the COUNTRY, I take care of my MILK!”
A simple no would have been fine, but my daughter throught it was hilarious.
“No” seems like a non-ornery answer. I mean, I say “No, thank you, thanks for asking” but that’s because I live in a small town and want to look friendly.
It is reflective of how the receiver interprets the mindset of the person offering. The person offering generally doesn’t put nearly as much mental energy as you advocate into choosing the exact wording of a casual offer of assistance, and ought not be castigated for choosing a verb that, when placed under a microscope, appears to connote some sort of prejudice.
Regardless of the exact wording, the fact that a person is offering assistance at all is an indication that they believe their assistance may be of some value. I don’t think “need a hand?” and “can I give you a hand?” should be judged to be significantly different; this isn’t a literary contest or a diplomatic mission, it’s just a casual, spur-of-the-moment offer to help.
The fact that they are asking (rather than jumping in without explicit clearance) indicates their uncertainty; the only assumption is that the other person might find assistance beneficial - thus the offer.
Heh.
I ask people if they need help all the time, and I don’t just do it because they are in a wheelchair. I was getting a case of water down just the other day and saw an elderly couple reaching for another one and offered to put it into their cart.
I also ask for help. I am 5’5" and have long arms, but one time there was only like three bottles left of what I needed, on the top shelf, way in the back, and I couldn’t reach it. I went and found a very tall employee and asked him for help, and he laughed and said, “That’s the only reason they keep me around!” and cheerfully got it.
That being said, once or twice I have been bitched out for offering to help and it’s ALWAYS been cranky old white guys. No one else can bitch you out like a cranky old white guy who can do it HIMSELF! I swear, it’s like talking to a toddler. And then they have the gall to complain about kids these days!
I suspect he may have said something differently, had I not been in uniform. It does seem to have a somewhat cooling affect on some of the hot-headed crankiness. Along with that though are random conversation starters and long-winded stories about “Back in the day…” so it’s hard to say which is better… 
Many times, the “asking” is nothing more than a formality, said with no intention of even waiting for an affirmative response before launching into the “help”.
…At which point it crosses over into assholish presumption.
This is the shit that pisses me off. I’m actually saying “no thanks” because I know what I’m doing and having someone intervene would actually hinder, not help me. I’ve gotten the impression that some people interpret my “no thanks” as just a courtesy reply but I really would appreciate the help. Or that I’m just “too proud” to admit it but I really could use the help.
No, guy, you’re just not needed. But thank you for making my day just a tiny bit harder anyway.