Was it the sushi, or was it me?

Okay, so the first time I ate sushi was 20 years ago. And that was also the last time I ate sushi.

Now, if YOU want to go to a restaurant and eat bait, go ahead…But me, I’m sticking to Denny’s. And when I want somethin’ better I’ll go to Bob’s Country Kitchen for the all-you-can eat special.

Now, I ain’t prejudiced, an’ I ain’t no redneck neither. I’m just sayin’, that’s all…
So I’m gonna tell y’all what I learned about that sushi stuff, and still remember after all these years:
[li]It looks weird. [/li]
[li]The rice is bland and tasteless.[/li]
[li]The tiny piece of raw fish that they poke into the middle also doesn’t have much flavor, and is so damn small that it can’t really be called a serving of food.[/li]
[li]The seaweed it’s wrapped in has an unappetizing color. Like the mold around the drain in a public shower.[/li]And it has an unpleasantly bitter taste. And it’s got a rubbery texture that is hard to bite through.
And, fer Chrissake,it’s a WEED…Now, if they re-named it “sea lettuce” or something, maybe I’d want to try eating it. Or, gee whiz, even if they called it “kelp”, that might sound like food. But it’s called seaweed.
Let me tell ya somethin’: People don’t eat weeds…cows do.

[li]Eating with chop sticks does NOT make you look sophisticated and cultured. It makes you look like an asshole. You’re just being obnoxious–a Luddite who refuses to use technological innovations. Cavemen ate with sticks. And chimpanzees still do.[/li]

So why am I tellin’ you all about this? Well, because, now, 20 years later,I’ve grown up. I ain’t no country boy any more.
I’m an adult-- well-educated, more cultured, more mature, more tolerant.

And yesterday I was invited to join some friends at work for sushi. So I decided to be polite, as befits a person who is now a well-educated, cultured, mature and tolerant adult.

And here’s what I learned about that sushi stuff:
[li]It still looks weird. More like a dashboard ornament than something you want to put in your mouth.[/li]
[li]The rice is still bland and tasteless.Yeah, you can dip it soy sauce. But Wahabi* sauce got its name for a reason–If you touch it, you’re gonna start a jihad in your stomach.[/li]
[li]The tiny piece of raw fish is still too small, has no identifable flavor, and gets lost inside the rice. Even after you eat six portions, you’ve eaten less fish than half a tuna sandwich on rye.[/li]
[li]The seaweed is still rubbery, still unappealing and still a weed.[/li]
[li]Eating with chopsticks still does not make you look sophisticated. It’s just silly and unnecessary when you’ve got a perfectly good alternative.[/li][/ul]

And then I learned something else:
Sushi is just too damn BIG.

It’s supposed to be bite-sized and easy to eat…
But you can’t eat it in one clean bite, because it overflows from your mouth.
And you can’t eat it in two bites, because it disintegrates into a thousand tiny grains of rice and raw fish that spew all over the table.
So how the frick are you supposed to eat it, and still look like a well-educated, cultured, mature and tolerant adult?

Bite-sized food is supposed to fit easily into your mouth. Bite-sized is the size of a piece of chocolate in a gift box. Bite-sized is the size of the chicken pieces in Chinese stir-fry. Bite-sized is couple pieces of popcorn.
Sushi is NOT bite-sized, goddammit.
To eat it,you have to tilt your head sideways, and stuff your mouth till your cheeks puff outwards.

When you’re sharing a meal with people, you shouldn’t have to twist your face into rude expressions while putting the food into your mouth, and then turn your head away from the person opposite you so you don’t look gross.
So instead of making a fool of myself, I sat there politely for the whole lunch break, listening to the rumbling of my nearly empty stomach.

And now I’m goin’ back to Bob’s Country Kitchen;–today’s special is biscuits and gravy.

'Cause I may be an educated, cultured, mature and tolerant adult—but don’t fuck with me when I’m HUNGRY.

(*Yeah, I know it’s spelled Wasabi, and it doesn’t come from Saudi Arabia. But gimme a break–this is MPSIMS.)

It’s you.

  1. That stuff isn’t seaweed.

  2. Anyone who thinks the fish in sushi is tasteless has serious tastebud issues.

  3. This OP would have actually been funnier if it had been written 20 years ago and with fewer folksy apostrophes. Calling sushi “bait” was worthy of a chuckle in 1987.


You just may not like sushi. Despite what some dopers are going to say to you, it’s okay.

California rolls aside (not even real sushi, I know), I am not a fan of sushi or sashimi. Even in Japan where I could get the freshest fish, it never tasted great to me. It didn’t have much taste and had a texture that I basically had to choke down; eating it was far from an enjoyable experience. I must have tried dozens of times with all different types of sushi but never found a piece of raw fish that I could honestly say that I enjoyed.

There’s lots of good food to experience, no point in wasting time trying over and over to enjoy one just because everyone else seems to.

I dunno, I kind of like sushi.

Maybe it’s you, but that’s cool too.

There was a point in time where I liked it just fine. At least, well enough to eat it without complaint.

And then there was the night when the fish was bad or I had too much wine or who the heck knows…anyway, once I’d spent a night puking up sushi there was no way I could eat it again. And yes, I tried, because for some reason everyone else I know just loves it, and I don’t want to be the party pooper. These days, I’ll go along to the sushi restaurant, but I’ll be ordering whatever they have on the menu that is fully cooked and not fish!

And you’re right, it’s too damn big and won’t let you bite it in half. What’s up with that?

I don’t like everything and have a few favourites that I order with little variation (spicy tuna, salmon nigiri, scallop, hamachi, unagi).

I do not like the octopus, rubbery whitefish, tuna nigiri that is not toro, mackerel and I outright refuse to taste uni or horse or whatever other stuff I deem “too crazy” for me. I also rarely order the crazy big maki rolls.

Most of the time I only eat very spicy foods (for instance, Indian food on a daily basis) but I don’t find sushi to be bland at all. It’s just very…clean. To me, macaroni and cheese is bland.

On the other hand, I fully support your right to hate sushi (though I think the chopsticks rant is weak). There are plenty of cuisines I don’t care for at all-for instance, while most of the restaurants have good ambiance I don’t like going out for Nepali, Tibetan, Afghani etc… It’s just a weaker form of Indian food with some middle eastern or chinese influences. I’d rather just eat Indian or Chinese or Middle Eastern. I know plenty of people who hate specific cuisines because there’s one common ingredient they’re allergic to etc…

I think I’ll go have sushi tonight.

No, it really wasn’t funny back then, either.

But what makes me chuckle is picturing the OP stuggling with chopsicks and having grains of rice fall out of his mouth, then insisting on going to Denny’s, all while calling himself sophisicated.

No it isn’t. Everyone should like sushi.

Totally kidding. My wife isn’t fond of sushi and I don’t seek it out all that often (though, I do really like it).

I love sushi, but I view it primarily as a wasabi delivery vehicle.

Not all sushi has raw fish. For that matter, not all sushi has fish. And not all Japanese food is sushi.

Despite this, I used to date someone who refused to eat at any Japanese restaurant, because she was convinced that they’d hand her a plate with a live carp on it.

I enjoy sushi without raw fish. Raw fish as a texture I don’t much like–an a possibly irrational ick factor.

Neither do a lot of Japanese – they like it fine, mostly, but I’ve rarely met any who go two-three times a week, as some urbanite Westerners do.

Other of the OP’s rants can be partly addressed by similarly looking at the over-proliferation (IMHO) of sushi joints. Quality control and freshness can suffer. There’s not enough great fish to go around. The American portion sizes are often bigger than they were traditionally in Japan. Trained sushi chefs, who know how to evaluate, cut, and present the fish to best effect, are unlikely to emigrate from Japan, a First World country that values and pays skilled professionals like chefs, to sling up sushi in anything other than a very high end restaurant in a major American or European city – if you’re getting sushi in Dallas or San Diego or Newcastle on Tyne, or in a strip mall by the office, odds are high it’s being presented by a Fukienese guy who saw higher profit margins in sushi than in another hoo flung doo joint.

Good sushi can be very tasty (though I agree that there is some stuff, like the aforementioned octopus, God help us abalone, and for me, salmon, that doesn’t do anything for me). And, it serves one important purpose, along the lines of my theory that street cart food is arguably safer because you watch its preparation – bad fish generally immediately sticks out as such.

Having said that, sushi’s not higher than fourth, if that, on my lists of good Japanese food, so there’s plenty of other stuff to go around, and de gustibus non . . . something like that.

I don’t agree with your post at all, and one of the things I miss most about home is the food (sushi included), but:

[quote=“chappachula, post:1, topic:491754”]

[li]Eating with chop sticks does NOT make you look sophisticated and cultured. It makes you look like an asshole. [/li][/QUOTE]
Ha ha ha!

Some people just don’t like certain things, no biggie.

I personally find it kind of bland unless it’s spicy tuna or salmon or whatever. Without spiciness, it’s too dull. Also, need lots of wasabi! But again, I guess that’s me.

[li]It’s colorful and shapeful. Yes, it’s different than the food you’re used to, but that’s simple matter of familiarity.[/li][li]The rice there for texture and as a filler. It’s the whiteboard that the other flavors are written on. It should have some flavor though it will be mild.[/li][li]It’s small so you can try more varieties. Don’t buy one order only. The fish taste should be mild, because it should be fresh.[/li][li]The seaweed should be crisp. Rubbery seaweed indicates the sushi has been sitting around for a while. And, Lab, it is seaweed.[/li][*]Know when each utensil is most useful: Use a fork and knife to cut bite-sized chunks. Use a spoon for soup or very small pieces. Use chopsticks for already bite-sized pieces and noodles.[/ul]If the sushi piece is so big that it falls apart when you bite into, either it’s made wrong or your chopstick skills are lacking.

No uni!!?? You’re missing out! However, I do draw the line at quail eggs. Not about to try to get one of those down successfully.

Either that, or it’s the sushi joint. Bad sushi is pretty disappointing.

Ain’t nuthin’ wrong with good sushi, though.

…and the dig on chopsticks is a bit inane. A fork is not a “technological innovation” over chopsticks; they are parallel tools. Sushi was developed in the context of chopsticks as common utensil – a fork is the wrong tool for the job and makes no more sense for it than chopsticks would for chicken cordon bleu.

Anyone who thinks eating with chopsticks makes them look sophisticated is an asshole, but I don’t believe I’ve ever met anyone with such a stupid belief. This makes you about as “sophisticated” as an asian three-year-old.

On the other hand, folks who reguarly consume food for which chopsticks would be the most sensible utensils, but still insist on fingers or forks… well, I guess they’re just a little less sophisticated than an asian three-year-old, in some regards.