Okay, so the first time I ate sushi was 20 years ago. And that was also the last time I ate sushi.
Now, if YOU want to go to a restaurant and eat bait, go ahead…But me, I’m sticking to Denny’s. And when I want somethin’ better I’ll go to Bob’s Country Kitchen for the all-you-can eat special.
Now, I ain’t prejudiced, an’ I ain’t no redneck neither. I’m just sayin’, that’s all…
So I’m gonna tell y’all what I learned about that sushi stuff, and still remember after all these years:
[ul]
[li]It looks weird. [/li]
[li]The rice is bland and tasteless.[/li]
[li]The tiny piece of raw fish that they poke into the middle also doesn’t have much flavor, and is so damn small that it can’t really be called a serving of food.[/li]
[li]The seaweed it’s wrapped in has an unappetizing color. Like the mold around the drain in a public shower.[/li]And it has an unpleasantly bitter taste. And it’s got a rubbery texture that is hard to bite through.
And, fer Chrissake,it’s a WEED…Now, if they re-named it “sea lettuce” or something, maybe I’d want to try eating it. Or, gee whiz, even if they called it “kelp”, that might sound like food. But it’s called seaweed.
Let me tell ya somethin’: People don’t eat weeds…cows do.
[li]Eating with chop sticks does NOT make you look sophisticated and cultured. It makes you look like an asshole. You’re just being obnoxious–a Luddite who refuses to use technological innovations. Cavemen ate with sticks. And chimpanzees still do.[/li]
[/ul]
So why am I tellin’ you all about this? Well, because, now, 20 years later,I’ve grown up. I ain’t no country boy any more.
I’m an adult-- well-educated, more cultured, more mature, more tolerant.
And yesterday I was invited to join some friends at work for sushi. So I decided to be polite, as befits a person who is now a well-educated, cultured, mature and tolerant adult.
And here’s what I learned about that sushi stuff:
[ul]
[li]It still looks weird. More like a dashboard ornament than something you want to put in your mouth.[/li]
[li]The rice is still bland and tasteless.Yeah, you can dip it soy sauce. But Wahabi* sauce got its name for a reason–If you touch it, you’re gonna start a jihad in your stomach.[/li]
[li]The tiny piece of raw fish is still too small, has no identifable flavor, and gets lost inside the rice. Even after you eat six portions, you’ve eaten less fish than half a tuna sandwich on rye.[/li]
[li]The seaweed is still rubbery, still unappealing and still a weed.[/li]
[li]Eating with chopsticks still does not make you look sophisticated. It’s just silly and unnecessary when you’ve got a perfectly good alternative.[/li][/ul]
And then I learned something else:
Sushi is just too damn BIG.
It’s supposed to be bite-sized and easy to eat…
But you can’t eat it in one clean bite, because it overflows from your mouth.
And you can’t eat it in two bites, because it disintegrates into a thousand tiny grains of rice and raw fish that spew all over the table.
So how the frick are you supposed to eat it, and still look like a well-educated, cultured, mature and tolerant adult?
Bite-sized food is supposed to fit easily into your mouth. Bite-sized is the size of a piece of chocolate in a gift box. Bite-sized is the size of the chicken pieces in Chinese stir-fry. Bite-sized is couple pieces of popcorn.
Sushi is NOT bite-sized, goddammit.
To eat it,you have to tilt your head sideways, and stuff your mouth till your cheeks puff outwards.
When you’re sharing a meal with people, you shouldn’t have to twist your face into rude expressions while putting the food into your mouth, and then turn your head away from the person opposite you so you don’t look gross.
So instead of making a fool of myself, I sat there politely for the whole lunch break, listening to the rumbling of my nearly empty stomach.
And now I’m goin’ back to Bob’s Country Kitchen;–today’s special is biscuits and gravy.
'Cause I may be an educated, cultured, mature and tolerant adult—but don’t fuck with me when I’m HUNGRY.
(*Yeah, I know it’s spelled Wasabi, and it doesn’t come from Saudi Arabia. But gimme a break–this is MPSIMS.)