My point exactly. I was responding to the idea that hearing tiresome jokes about tallness warrants a lot of distress. As I said in an earlier post (#135):
In terms of the need I see to keep things in perspective, I’m talking about value-neutral (or even seen as good) characteristics like height, in a discussion among equals.
Where there is a power differential, or where the characteristic in question is generally considered a disadvantage or disability, then I think smoldering anger is more justifiable.
Disagree. The op said that that comment was a “compliment”. WTF? It was an insult. Lisa told Sylvia that Lisa doesn’t see Sylvia as an adult human being, but as a child or an animal. It would be appropriate to look at a chipmunk and say, “ooh, look at how tiny and cute it is.” It would be acceptable to say that about a pet, or a child too small to understand the words. It’s not okay to say that to a grown woman.
Semi-hijack: during the extreme covid lockdowns, I became very aware of not being exposed to ‘micro-affirmations’ - the friendly nods from not-quite-strangers on the street, the cheery ‘hihowareya’ from the barista, the smile at the held-open-door, and other social interactions you don’t realize how much you need until they’re gone.
Sure, I think it’s fairly easy to assume we can dismiss tallness. I don’t know that it’s right to dismiss it, without walking a mile in those shoes, but sure, it seems an obvious target for waving away with ‘get over it’
Yes, a person with a characteristic that is generally considered a disadvantage or disability is likely to be the victim of a power differential, on a basis that persists outside of any incident where someone mocks that characteristic. That’s bad.
A person who has some other characteristic (perhaps ginger hair) does not necessarily have a persistent power disadvantage, but in the moment where someone mocks that attribute, they are also placed on the adverse side of a power differential. This is also bad. Probably less bad than the other thing, but not good just because the other thing is bad.
Knowing Lisa, yes, she would have. But probably not anymore.
I think Sylvias facial expression knocked Lisa into reality which is why she quickly asked me about the comment. I’m thinking it has been nipped in in the bud.
The title of the thread is “was this compliment inappropriate?”
The op says, in part:
The thread wasn’t titled “was this comment appropriate?”, nor did the post say “should Sylvia have accepted the comment as if it were the compliment Lisa intended it to be”.
I think he bought into it being intrinsically a compliment, and presented the story as such. And I’m far from the only poster who was upset by that.
You see this where I get perplexed. Seriously. The OP title calls it a compliment. The text of the OP asks
But you choose to insist that the meaning was not that the OP thought telling a short petite cleaning woman “Aw, you’re so tiny and cute” is a compliment.
Even claiming that you are reading that text literally!
My intent was on point, illustrating with a gentle jibe the absurdity of “cute and tiny” as a compliment or even as a neutral comment, but you the mod!
Duly noted and I will point no further similar compliments at anyone in this thread!
I think the treatment of people with red hair warrants a bit of pondering.
There is an oft-repeated meme that ‘gingers have no souls’ - in fact it’s one of a range of similar things people joke about, basically implying that people with red hair are subhuman or deficient in one or more ways.
I sincerely doubt that the people making these jibes are ever serious, or that they consider it more than a funny little quip.
Furthermore, having red hair is not a disability, and finally, no physical injury is done to the subject when one of these things is said to them.
It’s all just a harmless joke, after all.
Even though people who say it must logically be aware that it’s part of a campaign of harassment, by virtue of it being a meme, if challenged, they’re only likely to consider the local impact of saying it this one time to this one person, and in that narrow frame, it’s a lot easier to excuse it as just a good old laugh.
And yet, what a horrible, dehumanising thing that might be if you had to hear it from everyone you meet, all of the time, relentlessly, everywhere you go. I mean maybe some people would still just shrug it off - some people are good at that, but I don’t think I would blame anyone for not finding that so easy to do.
The effect is victimisation, even if the intent to victimise never crossed anyone’s mind.
I always consider it a win if people don’t actually insult me because of my height. Frankly though you aren’t saying anything I haven’t heard a dozen times before. It’s a little annoying and more importantly, what’s the point of these comments/ jokes?
It’s interesting that you consider that comment a compliment. The only thing I have to say about it, is that it’s not an insult.
The OP has also made several posts in this thread where they clarified they would not have said what they said and did not approve. They have also indicated that they think the intention matters. They have, in fact, largely agreed with the consensus opinion of this thread–even when people were being less than kind to them.
So, yes, I agree with TriPolar. The logical reading of the OP is that pkbites called it a compliment because he believes it was intended as one. It does not make sense to assume he actually thinks the comment was complimentary, or he wouldn’t disapprove of it.
But let’s say I’m wrong. Let’s say the OP did originally think it was a compliment. He’s clearly been convinced by the other argument that it isn’t. So, even then, it doesn’t make sense to scorn him. It’s good that he was convinced.
So, either way, TriPolar was right in saying it didn’t make much sense to be upset at pkbites. Sure, maybe if you just read the OP and skipped everything else, you might be upset. But it’s pretty clear that now, at least, he doesn’t see it as a compliment.
