Watch as I channel fatherjohn!

The BBQ Pit
#1

The spirits have enabled me to speak as the voice of fatherjohn. No further explanation is necessary.

I saw another SUV today.

The envy stirs within each time I see some lucky person driving one. I need one, you know, to make up for my extremely small penis.

Sadly, looking at my wallet, I see that I cannot afford to have one. What will I do?

I think I shall try to make everyone believe I hate them. That’s what I’ll do. Maybe I can find a message board where I can vent my frustration. Hopefully, it will be full of people who can’t think, so that I can make everyone hate them, too! That way, I won’t have to see as many.

Uh oh. These Straight Dope people seem to be smart. Definitely smarter than me, that’s for sure! What shall I do? They shoot down my arguments as fast as I can make them up!

I know. I’ll find a kjlsadjklasdf

Whoopsie! I forgot that I couldn’t type with my head up my ass! I’ll try to keep it out for the rest of the time I’m typing.

What I’ll do is find a website that’s an abvious parody. Then, I’ll quote it every chance I get! Even though it’s not relevant, if I quote it enough it lksHfkljashf;klasdkhf

Whoops! My sphincter slipped again!

Damn! They’re funnier than I am too. A lot. Maybe I should be like a parrot! I’ll just say what they say right back to them! Fortunately, I won’t have to think if I do that! Thinking’s harder these days, since I don’t get as much oxygen to my brain!

Speaking of brain…brain…fuzzy!

Must…post…new…nonsense!

Gosh, I think that I’ll just continue to post useless things solely designed to stir things up! That’ll make me a very popular board personality, and thenakl;asdfkljhasdfklgfsegsdfgfgdfggsdg

::end channeling::

#2

For proof that Cyn is really channeling fatherjohn, check out the following website: http://www.fatherjohnisaposeur.com

#3

What’s up with that link, Coldfire. You just posted it, but it doesn’t work.

Great post, Mr. Cynical.

#4

He messed up the url, it’s really:

http://www.geocities.com/fatherjohnisaposeur/

#5

Fuck, you’re quick alright :wink:

#6

Ah, thank you. Well worth the effort.

#7

Thank you soooo much for sharing that.

Now do you efficient jokers have any good tips how to wash your brain pan with Drano without losing favorites lines from movies, The Simpsons, Red Dwarf, favorite rock songs and other useful knowledge along the way?

Veb

#8

Oh fatherjohn, have I found something for YOU!

#9

MrC, you are the master!

And Silo, I nearly coughed up a lung!

#10

For those of you wondering what prompted Mr. Cynical to make the fj site, I’m buessing he’s talking about this thread where fatherjohn once again rants against SUVs. Showing that planarian worms can learn, he realized that anything with “SUV” in the thread title will attract the same voices of reason that thrashed him so soundly in his other two anti-SUV threads and gave him the ammunition he needed to shoot himself in the foot. So

The funniest thing so far is:

to which Protesilaus replied, “You’d have to say so yourself. An objective observer would state that you had no idea what the hell you were talking about.” Referring to fatherjohn’s “be-all, end-all, the Truth will Set You Free” poseur site, P. replies, “Why do I have a feeling that if fatherjohn read A Modest Proposal he’d use it as evidence they eat babies in England?”

Round Three! Ding!

#11

I think the long and short of it is that we ALL have fatherjohn’s number.

That number is ZERO.

#12

I note that now he’s trying to play the victim. “I started this as a personal rant!” he says. “Let me rant in peace!” he says. “I have a two-inch dick!” he says. Sheesh!

Who here believes his micro-penised ass? Raise your hands!

#13

:::looks around, sees no raised hands:::
(sound of crickets chirping in the background)

#14

It could just be his impaired power of reasoning. In this thread he uses this power to show that races exist because states exist.

SUV’s are bad because they cut you off in traffic. He saw this happen. Proof positive that SUVs are bad. States exist and they are social constructs so it naturally follows that races have a biological basis.

Yeah, whatever.

#15

How could I have missed this thread, fatherjohn channeler?

Oh, I know why - I couldn’t see around the SUV in front of me, which is only relevant if you’re tailgating. The poseur site puts this up there as a big complaint, so I made it work for me. Maybe the poseur site is run by Tailgaters.org, fatherjohn channeler.

Oh mighty fatherjohn channeler, riddle me this: How does fatherjohn notice so much SUV behavior when his head is rammed up his ass?

#16

You know how straight-out right fucking on I think you are, but. . .

One small nit to pick if you will, about channelling fatherjohn. (not that we want to pick too many off of the guy - he’s covered with them) :wink:
I see no “oommm mani padme hum”'s, or meditational poses, or tunic-like outfits.

Also, last I watched as someone channeled, the channelee was usually dead. The channeller was alive, and had all of those neat-o helpers who passed baskets for donations out.
::Aenea eyes Mr C suspiciously::
Are you sure you aren’t using your physic wonder powers to just pick his thoughts out of his head?

#17

A. “Pot? Kettle? Whatever.”

B. “There’s nothing in the world like a sore loser.”

C. “You know you’re in the right when they all pick on you.”

D. Some worthless clip from your little dick-yanking site that you’ve linked about 700 times so far.

These have been the only things I have seen you come back with. From now on, just refer back to this list and save keystrokes by just answering A, B, C, or D. You can’t ever say I’m not here for you, you fuckstick!

This guy is a moron of the highest magnitude. He’s interesting to look at, in the same way it’s interesting to look monkeys in the zoo smear shit on themselves. Enjoy!

#18

Maybe he’s inserted an Explorer or two up there, and the stinging they caused his sphincter is what produced his animosity towards large vehicles.