Good I’m glad that you got a laugh!!
It was very easy to dispose of! 
I’m trying to get my farts to smell again. I have friends who suffocate me with their horrific flatulence. I would love to get some revenge.
I have no idea what changed in my body (for the last 10 years) and if this is a sign of something that needs to be looked at.
Uh, Diamonds? You might want to get your nose checked… 
For some considerable time now I’ve been getting a pain in my groin when I need to make a bowel movement - when I feel that pain, I head for the toilet.
A few months ago I didn’t feel that pain, I went to the toilet to empty my bladder, as I was doing so I got the urge to open my bowel, so I let rip.
I have no idea what the chuffin’ell happened, but it felt like something out of a sci-fi movie was trying to crawl out of my butthole. I swear to gawd I could feel tentacles. I started to pass out, but didn’t want to out of fear whatever the fuck this was would eat me. I managed to hang on to the basin and focus my eyes to stop myself blacking out.
Whatever it was, it managed to squirm free from my sphincter and descended into the toilet with a slight splosh. Then all hell broke loose as what felt and sounded like Niagara Falls started to pour out of me.
At this point I could no longer distinguish whether I was pee-ing, poo-ing or giving birth to a facehugger.
Then the torrent stopped.
There was a moment of silence, then what sounded like a machine gun going off started up and it was like Dambusters, I could feel the splashes going up to my shoulder blades.
This went on for what felt like a week and a half, then stopped.
At some point I’d started convulsing.
Eventually everything stopped, and I was able to lift myself from the toilet seat. I reached back, slammed down the lid and flushed. I had to have a shower to get rid of the mess on my butt cheeks and up my back. For a week after I felt like I’d been torn in two.
About three days later, every toilet in the house backed up and it took about three days of non stop flushing to clear whatever was blocking it.
So… what did you name the little eldritch horror?
Eddie
If the Old One escaping from your guts didn’t simply split you open from pubis to sacrum, you may want to mention this next time you see a doctor. My Dad had a similar combination of groin pain/bowel urgency (which he described in a TMI conversation all its own), which turned out to be a symptom of inguinal hernia.
Here’s my TMI story.
Years ago, I had surgery that began with an incision just behind my scrotum. It was a complicated job, and things took quite a while to heal. While I was healing, I peed sitting down as it was easier on the still-tender tissue down there. A few weeks after the surgery, I was cleaning myself up after taking a piss, and I noticed something - apparently clear mucus - depending from the area of the incision. I called the surgeon, who said, “It sounds like you formed a pocket of serous fluid, no big deal, let it drain, keep the site clean, it will finish healing on its own.” The area closed up not long after and everything looked OK. It popped open a couple more times, leaking clear fluid and closing of its own accord. Disturbing, but painless.
Did I mention that the surgeon was not available to look at this himself (long story), and delegated management to my urologist?
Some time later, the area became sore. Then it became *very *sore. I had trouble urinating. I noticed that I often had an easier time urinating if I’d just had a substantial bowel movement.Eventually, I took to sitting on one of those rubber ring cushions that they sell to hemorrhoid sufferers, and I wasn’t walking so good either. One evening, I realized that my poor taint was not just sore, but also swollen and hot. I called the urologist, who said, “Sounds like an infection maybe… you could go to the ER… IV antibiotics… burble burble…”
Thus advised, I went to the ER. After explaining the situation to the triage nurse, I was sent to a room, where I re-explained the situation to another nurse. He went off and eventually returned with a physician, to whom I recited the whole ridiculous litany of surgery and complications again. The doctor took a look, announced that he supposed he *could *stick a needle in there to get a sample of whatever microorganisms I was hosting, but he wasn’t going to, seeing as how he wasn’t sure what the landmarks were. :rolleyes:
I left with some painkillers in my stomach, a prescription for antibiotics in my hand, and the advice of putting hot compresses on my now exquisitely-painful nether regions to encourage drainage. At home, I set myself up in bed with the aforementioned hot pad on my ass. At some point, I moved and felt something… damp. I checked my underwear (what, you thought I was in bed naked with this *thing * percolating behind my sack?) and was greeted by the stench of old socks and fish and the sight of a gooey mess of blood, pus, and, for all I know, the toe jam of Satan himself.
I threw the underwear away and cleaned myself up. For the sake of recordkeeping, I called the ER and spoke to the doctor who’d seen me earlier. He expressed some skepticism at my estimate of the amount of unspeakableness that my body had ejected, but thanked me for the update.
I did eventually connect with the surgeon who had worked on me in the first place, and we scheduled follow-up surgery. He ultimately found, and excised, several abscesses in there. Eventually things healed the way they were supposed to. I still panic whenever I get an itch or an ingrown hair back there, though.
Will do!