I had someone wear white to my our wedding: a girl who had made no bones about her being interested in my then BF, soon to be fiancee, then husband. They were at college together; I went to a different college in a different state.
This was in 1987, so styles were a bit different.
She showed up in a tea length, handkerchief hem, beaded and sequined white gown. She even had some white flowers in her hair. It looked like what then would have been a second wedding or more “mature” wedding dress.
And yes, she looked ridiculous. I still don’t like her, although I’d be willing to switch husbands…
I’d never heard of the “don’t wear all white” to a wedding either.
This caught my eye:
Is she talking about Mary the Mother of God, or an adoptive mother? Because I think that Mary should be able to wear whatever the hell she wants at Jesus’ wedding!
I have heard of this rule but like a lot of “strict” etiquette rules, it seems to have relaxed considerably over the years.
I can’t see the big deal about a simple white dress, as long as it’s not remotely bridal. Out of courtesy I can see accessorizing it with color, but honestly I don’t see the big issue here.
Now if it were a formal white gown, that would be both blatant and ridiculous on the part of the woman wearing it…but to me her punishment would be the bizarre looks she would get from the guests. If the gown looks bridal, the woman wearing it looks either crazy or like a pathetic attention-whore.
I’ve never been married but if I do, and a woman shows up wearing something like that, I don’t know whether I’ll want to get offended or just laugh at the absurdity.
As far as black goes…I’ve worn a black bridesmaid dress and at the weddings I’ve shot I have always worn black. Nobody, esp. the bride, has ever said anything but, “I like your dress!”
One could argue that the photographer could be excluded from the rule since she isn’t a guest, but still…I have never been the only one wearing it. It’s a popular color for formal attire.
I’m more offended honestly by people who show up at formal evening weddings in cargo pants and t-shirts.
I had a friend who loved purple. She had everything purple, up untill her kitchen tiles. Of course, she wore a purple two piece suit to her own wedding.
Knowing of the couple’s preference for purple, I came to the wedding with a purple longsleeved satin T-shirt and a long skirt with a pattern of purple flowers.
People said afterwards I looked more like the bride then my friend did, which made me feel kinda guilty.
That would be considered odd in our circles as well, but FWIW (and to invoke our pal Miss Manners again), this guest was actually in the right. According to MM, an event is either formal (everyone wears formal wear) or it’s not (nobody does). The hybrid most of us are used to is, strictly speaking, a non sequitur.
Again, just relaying something I recall reading. I have never worn a tux to a wedding other than my own (or when I was in a wedding party) and I don’t plan on starting. Etiquette be damned!
There are only two possible interpretations to your mother wearing cream.
Your mother was “Western etiquette challenged for her age” and unaware of the rule.
Your mother was being a bitch.
I prefer to believe my guests are clueless rather than being bitchy. Its both more polite of me to brush off rudeness as cluenessless - and its better for my blood pressure. But you know your mother - if she had no idea which fork to use and wore white shoes in November - perhaps she was both clueless and bitchy and simply clueless in this case.
(There is a third explanation - that your mother was from a culture where the rules of etiquette in this regard are different.)
The big issue is that if I’m the bride and you are my guest, I’m have to make the “clueless or rude” assumption about you. The “its not a big deal” rationale you are using is rude if I - as the bride - do think its a big deal. (If you know the bride/groom/parents of the bride/groom well enough to know it isn’t a big deal to them - then its probably not a big deal - other guests may still be making the rude/clueless leap - but they are less of an issue).
I’m not sure what the big deal is about picking a different dress.
Same deal with black. I’d never wear black to a wedding because other people may need to make the rude/clueless jump (no red either - particularly if you are family and going to end up in wedding pictures or if you ever dated the groom).
My husband’s uncle wore a tux to our wedding… but he did it as much to tease my father-in-law (his brother) than it was to impress us.
See, my FIL thinks of his brother as a troublemaker (though now that he is in his 50s, he really isn’t anymore!) When my FIL married very, very quickly after the death of his first wife, when pretty much everyone was still in shock and mourning, the brother wasn’t too supportive. He didn’t say much, but showed up at the wedding in jeans and a t-shirt. (FIL divorced her, it is widely accepted as a desperate rebound mistake!)
When we got married, my FIL told his brother in no uncertain terms that he expected him to dress nice and behave.
So he wore a tux, just to show his brother than he can!
He looked good, actually, and just makes for laughs when we think of the wedding. FIL was exasperated, but laughs about it now.
My cousin also wore his RCMP uniform, because I’d never seen him in it, and I have an aunt who lives in a fairy tale world who wore a pink prom-like gown - but that’s her and we love her for it.
The wedding wasn’t my day, or my husband’s day; it was for the whole family, and people can wear what they want. I suppose I would have been momentarily upset if someone wore a white gown, but I would have brushed it off. My cousin did switch to a black dress for the reception because her bridesmaids dress was too tight (the danger of trying to organize a wedding when you’re 800km away from everyone else!). Didn’t bother me in the least. She looked gorgeous, and that’s what mattered.
Wearing white to a wededing is a strict no-no. I’m a straight guy with all the fashion sense of a bug and even I know that.
Wearing black is less of a faux pas, but you definitely do not want to do what my best friend’s ex wore to my best friend’s wedding; a black lace minidress with three inch heels. To an afternoon wedding. She looked like she was attending a hooker’s funeral.
No red either? Now where did THIS rule come from? What does red have to do with being in the wedding pictures?
I’ll buy the idea that even if you own a very simple little summer dress in white, you can’t wear it to the wedding because the bride may be easily offended, but red?
Red is the color of scarlet women and whores (we are really getting into old fashioned etiquette here), black the color of mourning, white reserved for the bride. But there is a good modern reason for no red if you are going to be in photos (unless, of course, you are a bridesmaid in a red palate). The reason for not in wedding photos is that the eye goes to red (and orange) and if you are going to be in someone else’s wedding photos, you don’t want to have the eye go to “the sister in law of the bride on the end.”
I’m confused. What else would he have worn? A bathing suit? A gorilla costume?
I doubt I would feel any outrage at disrespect for etiquette and tradition if someone wore a white dress to my wedding. It’s very specific to the dress part. I doubt I would even notice a white or off white suit on a woman. The thing is that this is the couple’s day. The bride gets this one day to wear a white gown (unless you come from a place like me and wore one to each your high school graduation and deb ball) The bride should be the only one in the room wearing a white dress. Its just part of the tradition. I know a lot of people think that tradition and etiquette are outdated and stuffy but I think many parts of it are nice. If I saw someone in a white dress at a wedding I would probably snicker and think “she wasn’t raised right and doesn’t have good enough friends to stop her” and I would be embarassed for her because everyone else would be laughing at her too. At least all the people I would end up being at a wedding with wold be laughing to themselves.
I’m sure there are thousands of exceptions and tons of people who think it’s silly but it’s someone else’s wedding and they may not think it’s silly. It’s not that hard to just pick another god damn color.
Well, you’ve got a nice white dress to wear to her wedding now. See how she likes it.
I would not wear a white dress, or a black dress, or a slutty dress to anyone else’s wedding, unless I actually didn’t like them and wanted to disrespect them, but that would say more about me than it does about wedding traditions. The thing about etiquette and cultural norms is that most of the time we’re all reading off the same page - a bright red piece of skimpy satin worn as a dress to a wedding sends a message that is clearly received by everyone at the wedding. A step-daughter wearing white to her step-mother’s wedding sends a clear message, and it isn’t a very nice one (are you stealing her daddy away from her? Is she not the centre of attention at YOUR wedding? TFB for her, baby.)
That’s just it - the rules for “no black” and “no white” apply to guests. They don’t apply to people who are working at the wedding, and are wearing their normal work uniforms - like waiters who wear both black and white.
The best wedding I ever attended, everyone wore exactly whatever he or she wanted. The groom wore a tux and the best man (the groom’s uncle) wore a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, Birkenstocks, and a giant-brimmed straw hat. Among the guests, some wore suits and some wore jeans and T-shirts. It was absolutely fantastic.
I went to one that was a very lovely pig roast. Out at a farm with a bonfire. Lots of fun. Weddings don’t need to be formal occasions. I’ll also confess I’ve been to a Start Trek wedding or two - where folks who had them wore their ships’ uniforms - more formal than a pig roast, but still non-traditional.
However, I can’t say that I can correlate “fun” to the formality of the wedding - had a great time at one of the most formal weddings I’ve been to (many of the guests in beaded gowns sort of formal), had a lot of fun at the luau, was interested by the garden Buddhist wedding, but have to say that although it wasn’t nearly as formal as a country club, it wasn’t as fun as most country club weddings I’ve been to either. Was rather sad at a very casual wedding that should have never taken place.
One of the prerogatives of the host for a wedding however, is to determine the formality of the event. Then its the guests responsibility to dress to meet expectations. You don’t wear a formal beaded gown if the wedding is to happen in the cow field and be followed by a pig roast. And you don’t wear your twenty year old concert t-shirt (or black lace minidress with fuck me heels) if the wedding is to be held in the Cathedral and be followed by a country club reception.
What Dangerosa said. Make a judgement call about the appropriate clothing based on your knowledge of the event. Don’t be a jerk.
You may think it cute today to wear something horrendously inappropriate to somebody’s wedding in order to make a point, but years from now, when you develope a sense of empathy and proportion, it’s that sort of action that will haunt you at three AM with ear-burning embarassment decades after the event.
