Update - wife got a call from our daughter this a.m. I understand the couple asked the guy’s parents, and they don’t care if they are on the invite or not. So we win, right? I mean, we have to keep score, don’t we?
Just kidding, there. I hope my wife and kid are both okay with the resolution of this (in my mind) minor issue, and I’m going to talk with my wife about trying to identify a VERY short list of things that might be important enough to us to try to have our preferences reflected.
Also, I guess my wife and I were not entirely of one mind as to our “gift.” While I thought it was just “Here’s $x to spend how you wish,” my wife thought it was more along the lines of “We can afford to pay up to $x towards your wedding.”
Certainly don’t have a kid and haven’t been married, but I do have lots of older friends so I’ve gotten many invites in the past few years (dozen?) for all ranges of weddings - from ultra cheap to 6 figures. Choices A and B scream “We’re the ones paying for it, guys!!!”. I do see it sometimes - but that’s exactly what it’s saying. Tacky. Nobody outside of the family cares who is paying. They care if there’s booze, good music, and how far they have to travel.
The best ones, IMO, say “You are cordially invited to the wedding of Daughter Dinsdale and Fiancee Dinsdale at ____ at ____.”
Or Hello Again’s first suggestion.
Yeah - the legitimate reason is you don’t want to share space with someone not ponying up the cash ;). Leave both of your names off of it and they’ll assume you footed part of the bill, if not the whole thing. So you’ll get what you want without fighting about wording.
Danger danger! This is the future spouse of your oldest you’re talking about, the possible father of your grandchild. Try to be nice (it starts with how you think about him…)
That was my thought, too. She seems to have some serious control issues. To be honest, what you interpret as your daughter retreating into her shell when she’s confronted with stress makes sense if your wife thinks it’s normal to freak out over these really mundane things.
It also seems really petty that your wife was upset not that your names were being removed but that someone else’s were being added. The problem was just that she didn’t want the fiance’s parents on the invitation, too? It really smacks of, “Not wanting to share the sandbox.”
This. And if you’re not paying for the wedding, but giving them money which they happen to be using to pay for the wedding, let them word the invitations however they like.
People are way too ready to pounce on things to be offended about when it comes to wedding, particularly mothers.
Dinsdale, it’s clear, that your issue is not about the invitation (small issue) but about how involved your wife will be in the wedding plans of your daughter (BIGGER issue). Tell your wife to talk to her daughter bluntly and to remember what it was like and how she felt when you and her got married.
It depends on who is hosting the wedding and reception.
In my case, my lady and I are hosting. So the invitations will read “{Ben’s Lady} and Scuba Ben invite you to participate in rejoicing at their wedding.”
Haven’t heard another word about the invites. So I guess that is resolved some way or another.
Wife and 2 daughters went shopping yesterday (bride’s b-day) and found bridesmaids’ dresses and a tiara (???) for the bride. And I guess the daughters are going shopping again today - for what, I don’t know. Sounds like everything is progressing nicely - for the moment at least.
I understand one issue is whether the amount we offered/promised will cover open bar at the reception. My kid would probably prefer not to even have any booze, but both sets of parents feel an open bar is desireable. Not sure who will end up paying for that. I don’t really care one way or the other - but I guess I’d need to know how much it was going to be.
I think to some extent whatever rough patch we encountered was due to the bride having been very busy, her maid of honor away at school, and the various players not having their “roles” clearly set out. Heck, my wife’s and my home situation has had some stress (tho of a good kind) related to my getting a new job in a different state the end of August. But I think things are moving along now that my eldest has had more time to think about this and discuss it with the other players. And (as desireable) her fiance remains very involved in just about every aspect - and is solely responsible for (I believe) the photog, DJ, and mens attire. (Damn, I hope they just let me wear my dark blue suit!) I believe the future in-laws are covering the rehearsal dinner. Me, I’m just keeping my head down and earning enough coin to cover the checks that are being written.
One twist I found amusing. One bridesmaid is currently working in Germany, and won’t be home until shortly before the wedding. For whatever reason (I don’t ask) she has been hard to get in contact with. (?!) So my 2d daughter (maid of honor) contacted the girl’s mom to try to get the girl’s measurements for a dress (they are going to be blue). In response, the girl’s mom responded with the suggestion that the bride should just decide to have the attendants wear black dresses, and each girl could choose their own black dress. :rolleyes: Thanks for the unsolicited suggestuon, there!
Right now I’m glad I’m at work, 80 miles away and across state lines from the action!
That might have sounded odd to you, but it’s actually not at all unusual. When J.Crew dresses went on sale, I told my bridesmaids to pick any design in “espresso,” a shade of dark brown. Oddly, they all chose the same dress, but they had their choice of 10. The reason this is done, is that “traditional” bridesmaids dresses made of that sheen-y satiny fabric a) are not terribly flattering unless you are a size 0, and b)the shop usually (typically) intentionally fucks up the measurements so you have to pay beaucoup for their in-house alterations. It’s a total scam.
BTW, yeah everyone’s got an opinion when it comes to someone else’s wedding. Imagine for a minute you are your daughter, and you experience that hourly. Try to feel a little sympathy for her, it’s extremely aggravating after a while.
By the way, open bar is very expensive. I would expect to pay between $25 and $60 dollars per person, depending on location and type of venue.
Open bar can be quoted by the caterer or the reception site. It’s normally a $/headcount, plus taxes and fees. A good estimate is about $20 a head. So if your going to have 100 people at the reception, then your looking at a bit over
$2,300 ($20x100 + 10% service fee + 6% tax).
But yes, limited open bar, perhaps with a “signature cocktail,” is usually a considerable savings over “traditional open bar.”
Some places will also let you provide your own alchohol, if you hire a bonded bartender, and this can also offer considerable savings, because as we all know, markup on catered alchohol is criz-zazy. (It tends to be be more empty space type venues that allow this, whereas country club places will make you use their staff and their liquor).
Yeah, the reception is going to be in a room attached to a restaurant. I thought the plan was to have beer and wine, and anyone wanting hard liquor could go to the restaurant bar. I don’t drink, and most of my family drink beer and wine. And it is going to be an afternoon reception following an 11 a.m. wedding. So I figure folk don’t need to get hammered. And I figure there will likely be an “after hours” at either our house, the in-laws, or one of my sisters’ (they have nice houses nearby and love to entertain). But I also understand the in-laws want an open bar.
So we have yet another thing I don’t really care about, but if I am spposed to form an opinion (and pony up a couple of grand) I’m going to have to get more involved in the specifics and ask for more info from the couple. I guess this is betraying the difficulty of the “middle line” I am trying to tread. If I want to be hands off and out of the decision-making loop, I just need to keep my mouth shout and fork over the cash.
Ok, now I’m confused. I thought from what you said that the to-be-marrieds don’t care (and maybe don’t want alcohol at all) but you did. Now you say you don’t care. If you don’t care and she doesn’t care, why insist? And if the inlaws DO care, and want to pay for it, what’s the problem?
Sorry for the confusion. I suspect it is due to the medium via which we are communicating.
I feel strongly that a reception ought not be dry, but what is served and for how long, I don’t really care, and I’m not insisting anything about it. If they or the in-laws want an open bar and want us to pay, I’m fine with that. If the in-laws want to pay for it, I’m fine with that.
