I can’t figure out what’s weird about my pants, but they’re fucking weird!
They’re a pair of Dockers khakis - in a nice chocolate brown, to go nicely with my powder-blue shirt. I’d like look like a seventies file clerk in the best way, or Hunter S. Thompson on a yacht with Michael McDonald, if this whole thing wasn’t sabotaged by these weird fucking pants!
There’s something wrong with the fit. When I sit in a chair, they go into high-water mode like I’m a new, third roommate that just walked into A Very Special episode of The Odd Couple, and they weirdly bunch around my crotch. But when I stand up and walk around, they won’t stay up! There’s something weird about the cut and fit of the legs that even taking basic to-and-fro steps - to say nothing of climbing or descending stairs - all but tears the pants off of my frame. They’re sagging down like nothing else, not because they’re loose, but because the movement of my legs keeps sliding and pulling them down. What the hell is going on?
But the worst part is that they’re not even that flattering - they look kind of baggy (not bro-baggy, but antithetical to the look I’m going for) and elephant leggy, so it’s not even like they’re too tight and the tightness is causing them to be pulled down.
Yes, my husband is forbidden to get Dockers, they look like nerd pants. The make him look sway backed and huge gutted and he’s 6 ft and weighs 165. When he sits down he looks like he has a small loaf of bread in his crotch.
I bet there is no butt and waist cut into them, thus your problem. Get suspenders to complete your new outfit. They work when a belt won’t do you any good. At least they work if you don’t have sloping shoulders.
My husband likes to buy pants without trying them on, but I won’t let him do that at the clearance resale stores like TJ Maxx and Ross. The stuff that ends up there has been pretty picked through and often it’s there because it has a weird fit to it. Trying the pants on and walking around/sitting down in them is the only way to avoid getting strangely fitting pants. Even then a weird pair will slip through once in a while, like the pair JimmyFlair ended up with. Sounds like his were cut off grain in one leg. They were probably a factory second.
T.J. Maxx operates up here under the name “Winners.”
This always makes me think of the most cutting insult available to us in grade five. 'What a winner!" Invariably reserved for kids that were kitted out in K-Mart quality clothes.
I used to work for a designer label, and hated dealing with Winners. They would take their pick of all the crap from three seasons ago that either never left the factory (because it was too ugly to even get ordered) or found its way back in the form of returns (because it was poorly designed and didn’t fit anybody.) Filling an order for them was several orders of magnitude more of a pain in the ass than a regular order, and earned us pennies on the dollar. It’s even more depressing than dealing with them as a consumer.
I like Winners… I can find great Hallowe’en clothes there!
Seriously, I’ve walked into Winners a couple of times in my life, but I don’t think I ever bought anything more than socks or something like that. The rows upon rows of mismatched, disorganized clothes just depresses me. The stores just seem over-lit and somehow dusty to me.
I just bought a pair of Levi’s (makers of Dockers) and I swear they changed the pattern. I buy Levi’s specifically because they have the best fit to my stubby little legs. This latest pair fit OK, I guess, but the fit is definitely worse than my old pairs. They’re tighter where they used to be looser, and looser where they used to be tighter. They remind me of a pair of American Eagle Outfitter jeans I bought a long time ago that have never fit well.
