I’ve noticed this weird social interaction thing that I don’t understand. Several of the people I work with tend to interact mostly by putting each other down, or just being difficult. This isn’t an issue about people not liking each other, because they do it with people that I know they especially do like. In fact it happens most often between people who are close friends.
One example is the maintenance guy, if you call him and say hey, there is a maintenance issue in the lobby, without fail he will respond in some flippant way such as oh yeah? And what do you expect me to do about it? Now, he is on his way to resolve the problem while he’s saying this so it’s not like he won’t do the work, he’s just always going to give you some kind of stupid hard time about it first. He seems to think it’s a laugh riot, and others appear to agree.
It’s annoying to work all day with people who enjoy giving a hard time to everyone they come into contact with, including me, and I can’t understand why anyone would enjoy a relationship based mostly on put downs and rude comments.
Any ideas what gives here? Is this an immaturity thing? A class thing? Regional?
Maybe a variation on Dozens? (Wiki link) Most people would agree that relentless put-downs and insults are tedious at best, and at worst: unkind. But dozens or other forms of antagonism serve as a test of ego and tolerance. If you can handle crap: you are easy going and laid back. The more BS you handle: the cooler you are.
I do not insult or pick on others, but I’m capable of tolerating inordinate amounts of insult and teasing, and generally: the more profane insults will cause me to laugh myself silly. The solution? If you have a thin skin, remove oneself from the offending group of people and align with those who take themselves and others more seriously.
Just common blue-collar humour in my experience, nothing is meant by it. I’m sure any half competent head-shrinker could think of a dozen explainations for it.
A friend and I do this sort of thing all the time when we’re working together. His wife’s business partner was about one time, but she wasn’t used to our habits and told us later she thought that any moment we’d throw down our tools and start punching each other!
I know a lot of people who interact in this way. It annoys me too, so I don’t befriend these people. But when you do need to interact with them and get along well with them, like in a work situation, you just have to fire back with the same ammo. Light teasing; not pointed, personal insults.
Okay, I tend to do this. I am obviously joking around when I do it, and I only do it with people I know can handle it. But it’s fun for me. More interesting than normal social niceties. It allows for a fun back-and-forth with people.
Yeah, I get that it’s not mean spirited at all. It just seems like the idea is to be irritating and annoying as a form of entertainment. I don’t get how that’s a pleasurable way to interact.
The people who I interact with in this manner don’t find it irritating and annoying. I don’t do it to everyone, like the maintenance guy in your OP apparently does. But the people I try to be nice with (because I sense they wouldn’t be down with the teasing and pushing of buttons I like to do) tend to like me less than the people I do tease and have fun with. Maybe I’m just not so good at being nice. Maybe different people like different methods of social interaction. But I do what’s fun for me, and it seems to be fun for other people too.
For me, it completely depends on how I really feel about the person, and if it feels like “teasing” or “being an asshole”. From the outside, they look identical, from within, it feels totally different.
I tend to enjoy being around a sarcastic teaser, and enjoy getting in a good riposte in response, because it’s intellectually stimulating and it actually *increases *social bonds. Sort of how a brother and sister can pick on each other, but if an outsider says something negative to one, they’ll snap to the same “side” so quick it’ll make your head spin and fight off the outsider together.
The important things for “feels good teasing” are:
I can tease back and it gets a laugh or a high five, not a stony silence (I can’t stand people who can dish it but can’t take it - that’s not friendly teasing, that’s a dominance ploy)
I know he’ll have my back when push comes to shove (that is, the maintenance guy better show up and help after he gives me a ration of shit)
I trust him not to cross lines into actually hurtful things (tease me about my big boobs, sure, but a “joke” about my being fat, while true, will hurt me; people I trust will grok this and tease appropriately so it doesn’t hurt).
If any of those *aren’t *certainties, it’s not pleasant, it’s stressful and hurtful.
Me: Hi, I’m in Apartment B…would someone be able to fix my sink today?
Them: [obviously horsing around] Noooo, that’s impossible. snicker
Me: Well…haha…um…uh, please?
Them: Sure, someone will be there after 3:00.
I never know what to say that lets them know, “I know you’re joking but I don’t joke like that, so I don’t know how to let you know that I know you’re joking, and I can’t think of a straight line for you to use to continue the joke…listen, just fix the goddamn sink, okay?”
In New York City I have often felt that you can judge your friends by how much work they put into crafting a really good insult. I had a friend who moved to New Hampshire and found he had to adapt quickly to the fact that when he insulted people, they got insulted!
After many years, he now finds me rude. I probably am although over the years I have become much more aware of this behavior and try to temper it. I also have to know you very well before I will engage in this (admittedly childish) behavior.
I enjoy it and seek out others who do as well. I try to avoid it with people who obviously don’t like it, but I definitely enjoy it among my friends. It’s more fun to talk to people who enjoy good banter.
I agree with Whynot about people who dish it out and can’t take it, though; those people are just being assholes.