Allow me to add having dated—in person and not via “long distance”—more than one person to the list of essential pre-nuptial experiences.
Agreed. Don’t get engaged until you’re actually going to be putting down non-refundable deposits on a hall, that kind of thing. Really.
I don’t want to put too fine a point on it, but you’ve had trouble with this relationship being a bit asymmetrical before. You aren’t married yet. He’s indicated he does not want to get engaged with you at this time. This isn’t a detail of a “yeah, but…”. This means something. Your relationship is where it is, not where it is going. Love, and trust, but don’t get ahead of yourself. And remember that words are easy to say, and even easy to believe, but in the end words don’t mean much.
You’ve given the strong impression before that the intensity of the relationship is outpacing the maturity. For example, you’ve mentioned being in “24/7 contact.” That’s not a sign of a mature relationship.
You may grow into each other, and your relationship may be maturing. But take care of yourself. Don’t go straight from your father’s arms to your husbands, without ever learning how to live by yourself. Don’t write off that internship in Paris, or that budding friendship with a really cool girl, or that interest you’ve always wanted to look into because it doesn’t fit into your relationship. What you have is an intense thing, but it’s not a sure thing. Invest it in according to what it is.
If he doesn’t want to get engaged, then he doesn’t want to get married. It may have nothing to do with you, but it certainly has nothing to do with your parents. People marry the children of people they can’t stand all the time.
That is true. The family thing is a separate issue - and a valid one - but in the “I don’t want to get engaged” its an excuse.
My husband was engaged before, but not married. As I can piece it together…he was a romantic young man like jjim. He began dating a young woman. In the first flush of infatuation he - didn’t propose, there was no ring - but began talking about their future life together in terms of marriage. As she was young and marriage minded, unlike jjim’s girlfriend, she took this as a serious statement of intent.
The relationship went on for a while. She started pressuring him to make it official. He wasn’t ready to get married to her - wasn’t even sure if he wanted to marry her any longer, but with no clear date - she simply wanted official - he thought it was easy enough to get engaged. Married would be a long way off and if he was no longer infatuated, she was a good person he didn’t want to hurt and didn’t want to break up with. There was a long distance component as well - being engaged didn’t change his life one bit - it changed hers though. Eventually, he’d be ready to get married.
Then came the date setting. But still, it was a year off in the distant future. The wedding train was picking up steam and he hadn’t even realized it had left the station.
He derailed it someplace Northwest of Topeka…before invitations had gone out but late enough to have some major injuries…realizing that marrying someone because you’d set the expectation three years ago a few months in and hadn’t had the guts to say “I was rash and impulsive and you are a really great person, but not the really great person for me” wasn’t a great plan. And until he dropped that bomb, he talked a great game…he didn’t want to hurt her.
You have made it clear that you still desire marriage. He has made it clear that he does not want to take the step to become officially engaged. The ball is now in his court. If you pressure him, you will have no idea if he is getting engaged because he wants to marry you, or because you are comfortable and he wants to keep you happy.
This thread seems to be turning into a lot of old people bashing you over the head, Kemanchi. Don’t get us wrong: you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. You’re just worrying too much about things you have no business worrying about yet. 