We're All Special and Unique, and It is to our Detriment

[msmith537]

@Hyperelastic

The problem is when you see this typical 12-year-old behavior in adults who should know better. I would argue that egotism is not a generational thing, but rather a class thing. An overly inflated sense of self-importance seems to correlate with affluence.

I don’t think it’s a hijack to hypothesis that class plays an important role in a sense of “entitlement”. Poor people seem to gain their entitlement from “the man is sticking it to me so I’ll stick it to him” where as wealth seems to generate a sense of entitlement based on a lack of consequences for actions. Why not get drunk and drive my ‘beemer’ into a lake? I can always get another.

I would even bet that a lot of todays rudeness is a reaction to an ever-increasingly oppressive society. Work, school, peer pressure - it seems like there are more and more constraints on behavors. How we act, dress, wear our hair, how and where we live, who we date - all these things are influenced or controlled in some manner by many of the institutions we are forced to attend - and these institutions are intruding more and more into our lives. It seems a natural reaction is to lash out at people who we can lash out at - wait staff, some dude in line, whoever.

[tiny_ham]

@PictsiePat

Jarbaby, what if your kids are special? I know mine are and I let them know all the time. I also let them know that “life is no fair” and that they had to work for what they wanted. .

What? Am I invisible? I just said this one minute ago in the post RIGHT ABOVE YOURS. I understand that kids are special to their parents. My god, when I am finally able to get pregnant I’ll be throwing a party every day for that kid. But what I won’t do is foster in the baby a belief that everything else in the world is piled at their feet. Just because he’s special to ME doesn’t mean he’s special to everyone else.

[monstro]

So you’re telling me that if urine was just a second from streaming down your leg, you would have suffered like a good little girl at the end of a line?

Those two guys probably didn’t have to really really go, but if it had been an emergency motivating their rudeness, I wouldn’t have had a problem with them going in front of me.

[Scopata_Fuori]

@jarbabyj

But that’s exactly my point! What made them think that no one else waiting in a line of thirty really really had to go? Why should THEY come first in the line over everyone else?

There seems to be a subculture of individuals who feel that, as part of their membership in aforementioned subculture, they have learned not to fear the repercussions that come with the defiance of socially accepted niceties. They know, in their reptilian brains, that we (the others) don’t have the effective response programmed into our social contract: to stand them down.

This a bullying behavior, one that is regrettably reinforced by our cowed acceptance of such actions. Some cultures abhor conflict in an interpersonal setting, or are reluctant to confront someone for fear of being accused of being unaccepting of their differences, and will accept mild victimhood rather than confront the aggressor. Our current atmosphere of ersatz “specialness” re the OP, nurtures this concept, especially, it appears, in subcultures who had felt themselves to languish on the ventral side of the stratum pecking order.

I have seen this very behavior, myself, and have found myself wondering where the social contract failed; or whether it is null and void when the offenders are of a subculture that does not consider itself part of the society at large; or at best, somehow elevating themselves in their minds by their wanton display of entitlement.

If they aren’t worried about their parents hearing about them cutting in line at the theater, or somebody snatching them up by the short hairs and putting them where they belong, or daring to call them down on their audacity, they will continue.

If we are all special…then nobody is.

[sinjin]

Sorry Jarbaby, didn’t preview and got distracted while writing my post so missed yours. However, I think you’re kind of generalizing from a couple of recent bad experiences. Having been a mom and done all the award stuff for 20+ years I think that most parents and most kids fall in the middle. Yeah there are some nut job parents who think their kids are the be all and end all (me included) but most of the parental units I’ve met fall in the mid-range: Love em to death and hope like hell they don’t screw up (in all reality I’m in this group). It’s really only the ones who are on the far end of the scale that we read about in the news.

And for what it’s worth teenagers have always been a pain in the ass for everyone, including their parents. Someone help here with the Shakespear quote. Thanks in advance.

[tiny_ham]

@monstro

So you’re telling me that if urine was just a second from streaming down your leg, you would have suffered like a good little girl at the end of a line?

Those two guys probably didn’t have to really really go, but if it had been an emergency motivating their rudeness, I wouldn’t have had a problem with them going in front of me.

Actually, I would have said “look this is an emergency, can I possibly go ahead of you?”

No, I wouldn’t have butt in front of thirty people, even if it meant wetting my pants.

[Zagadka]

@Scopata Fuori

There seems to be a subculture of individuals who feel that, as part of their membership in aforementioned subculture, they have learned not to fear the repercussions that come with the defiance of socially accepted niceties. They know, in their reptilian brains, that we (the others) don’t have the effective response programmed into our social contract: to stand them down.

This, from someone who bribes her daughter into good behavior. O_o

[Loopydude]

@jarbabyj

I think there’s a huge difference between telling a kid that he’s tops WITH YOU and telling him that he’s tops with the rest of the world. I have no problem with telling children that they’re the greatest part of YOUR life as a parent, but to give them the idea that they world is their unlimited oyster bar can lead to them being shocked when, in fact, they DO have to get in line for the bathroom.

I agree 100%, and that’s the point I was trying to make: “Kid, for what it’s worth, you’re the most special person to me.”

Heck, we do this with our spouses. Should a guy say to his wife: “Hey, you’re OK, I guess, in a throughly average way; it’s not like your Ms. Universe, or anything, but I suppose we’re stuck with each other, so better to make the best of our mediocrity”? No, usually you tell her she’s all that, the best friend a guy could have, wonderful, and so on. Y’know, we play it up for our loved ones. We try to single them out for particular praise, just for being them. Do they have to “deserve” it?

[Zagadka]

What’s wrong with, “everyone is special”?

[yosemite]

Nothing wrong with “everyone is special,” because it’s true.

What I’ve seen (and I think it might be a current trend, but what do I know?) is that if kids are told how much better they are, and how they can do anything, and nobody better tell them otherwise, then that’s a monster in the making. This can be part of the “you’re special” mantra, but it doesn’t have to be.

I was raised to believe I was “special,” but I sure as hell wasn’t raised to think that my shit didn’t stink, or that I was superior than others—quite the opposite, in fact. My parents had some good friends who were always bragging about how great their kids were—their kids were the BEST in everything. Their kids could do anything the BEST. And if there was something their kids couldn’t do well, that thing wasn’t very important.

While the kids of these friends of my parents didn’t turn out to be monsters, they had a tougher time of it because of how their parents set them up. They never did live up to their parents’ lofty expectations, (nobody could!) and they sometimes even embarrassed their parents with their behavior.

Another phenomenon I’m seeing is people who cannot, will not, accept criticism or correction. This can be especially true with creative endevors, because they can say, “well, I’m being creative, so how dare you tell me that my work can be improved?” Some people will not put in enough effort, nor discipline, not develop their skills or talents—but because they believe that they are so special, they don’t believe that it is possible for them to SUCK at something creative. They’ll say, “I meant it to be that way!” or whatever. I’ve seen a lot of this. The delusional ego of someone who believes that their “specialness” will override everything else is a painful thing to see.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), such a delusional ego is soon crushed by the real world. The real world will chew them up and spit them out, flatly telling them, “Dude, that thing you did there, it SUCKS.” And having all the tantrums in the world and screaming about how “special” they are won’t change that. But it’s one reason why I don’t want to teach art (this has been suggested to me a few times). I have no patience for “But I’m special so you can’t criticize!” and frankly, I’ve just seen too much of it to stomach any more of it.

[Hazel]

@Loopydude

I fail to see what is so bad about parents telling their kids they’re the tops. I think this is part of the unconditional love that parents should bestow upon their kids: I love you, because you’re my child, and I think you’re wonderful.

Sure, it’s bad to spoil kids, and lavish them with exhorbitant gifts they haven’t earned. But having a parent tell you you’re the cat’s pajamas and cheering you on for doing your best as if you were THE best is not exhorbitant, in my book. Hell, if a kid went to his dad and said “Pop, I got a C- on the math test, even though I worked as hard as I could to get an A”, and the old man replied with a “That’s because you’re mediocre, and don’t deserve half of what you get”, I’d say the bastard oughtta get a swift kick in the nuts. I should think the proper response would be “I know you’re trying; we’ll see if we can find a way to get these grades up to where we’d rather they be. Just keep at it, and keep doing your best; it’s all your Mom and I can ask.”

I don’t think anyone is suggesting the dad should say “That’s because you’re mediocre…” I think you’d be hard put to find anyone who would fail to agree that the “I know you’re trying…” response is the right one.

What I think some on this thread are saying – and what I say – is that it probably isn’t a good idea to constantly tell children how special and unique and wonderful they are without also putting some effort into getting across to them that this does not mean that they are superior to everyone around them / entitled to special treatment / not bound by the same rules as apply to ordinary mortals.

There do seem to be a lot of people around who honestly believe that they are superior to everyone around them / entitled to special treatment / not bound by the same rules as apply to ordinary mortals. It does not seem to me at all farfetched to suspect all this modern, new-fangled, “you’re special” stuff might have something to do with this. The “you’re special” stuff really is pretty recent, by the way. It’s come along since I grew up (fifties / early sixties).

I suspect a lot of people will grow up believing that they are superior to everyone around them / entitled to special treatment / not bound by the same rules as apply to ordinary mortals – unless special effort is put into teaching them, while they are young and impressionable, that this is NOT the case.

[Kalhoun]

@jarbabyj

Actually, I would have said “look this is an emergency, can I possibly go ahead of you?”

No, I wouldn’t have butt in front of thirty people, even if it meant wetting my pants.

I would. IF it was an emergency. Why would you pee your pants just because someone was too rude to give you butts in line? You’re not the one at fault here. The non-butts-giver is.

[tiny_ham]

@Kalhoun

I would. IF it was an emergency. Why would you pee your pants just because someone was too rude to give you butts in line? You’re not the one at fault here. The non-butts-giver is.

That’s why I said I would ASK. I wouldn’t just march up, like these guys did, and without a word, butt in front of thirty people because MY needs are more important than anyone elses.

[jeevwoman]

@jarbabyj

That’s why I said I would ASK. I wouldn’t just march up, like these guys did, and without a word, butt in front of thirty people because MY needs are more important than anyone elses.

Well, right. But it sounds like these guys were just a**holes–and since it was a Cubs’game, I am sure they were drunk, too. We don’t know what their moms told them about being special.

[Guinastasia]

@jarbabyj

That’s why I said I would ASK. I wouldn’t just march up, like these guys did, and without a word, butt in front of thirty people because MY needs are more important than anyone elses.

But sometimes one’s needs ARE more important or more urgent than others. That’s why we have handicapped parking. That’s why in emergency rooms, you don’t have a “first come, first serve” basis-it’s whoever is in the most NEED of care.

[tiny_ham]

@jeevwoman

Well, right. But it sounds like these guys were just a**holes–and since it was a Cubs’game, I am sure they were drunk, too. We don’t know what their moms told them about being special.

But something must have happened to them sometime to lead them to believe that it’s PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE to butt in front of thirty people. I mean, you learn in first grade that it’s wrong. What is the social situation that leads to this blind selfishness?

[Xerxes]

Although I was brought up with unconditional love from my parents, there was no way in hell they’d have sued the school if I didn’t get lead part in xyz production; if you were good enough - great - if not, well, the part probably went to the better performer of that genre.

In actual fact I can remember the age I was when I had the revelation that has stood me in good stead ever since (I was 14). I came to the conclusion that, on average, I’m average. (Please note that there is considerable room for subtlety here; I’m not saying that I’m average - I’m saying that in a lot of things I am (or near enough as makes no difference). This leaves me ample room to be better than average in some things, and worse than others. The fact that this world-view has proven (for me at least) to be accurate and useful for the last 27/28 years is some validation of it, YMMV).

[jeevwoman]

@jarbabyj

But something must have happened to them sometime to lead them to believe that it’s PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE to butt in front of thirty people. I mean, you learn in first grade that it’s wrong. What is the social situation that leads to this blind selfishness?

I’m not arguing that point, I just mean that we don’t know it came from their parents telling them they were allowed to do it. Maybe they learned it in their frat house; maybe they saw it on tv. Perhaps if their parents saw their behavior, they would be absolutely mortified themselves.

However, I also think that how people act when they are drunk might also be very different than how they act normally; perhaps they themselves would never really think it was ok to act like that.

Mind you, I am not defending them, but rather saying that we don’t know that it was poor parenting that brought them to that place.

[you_with_the_face]

Like some others have said, jarbaby, I don’t know if the examples you gave indicate some superiority complex. The guys with the cigars probably didn’t believe you when you said smoking was banned; I don’t think they actually believed they were entitled to stuff that no one else was. And the kid was being a rude, inconsiderate and wreckless, not necessarily overly convinced of his specialness in the world. The line-breakers were exhibiting what line-breakers historically exhibit: thoughtlessness and selfishness. Did they think their shit doesn’t stink? Probably. But I’m sure they knew what they were doing was wrong, breaking in line like that. They knew they could get it away with it because no one was likely going to speak up. If all the people behind them had hollered in protest, I doubt they would have put up with much of a fight.

As far as the cases of people getting sued over bullshit, well, that it could also be blamed on a few isolated cases being overexploited by the media. Sort of like Laci Peterson. Let’s not make a couple incidents of whininess be representative of a whole generation.

If and when I start having kids, I will not hesitate to call them special and unique and that they can do anything that they put their mind to. As a girl, I heard these messages from my parents, teachers, and from Sesame Street, and I think that is why I’m the well-adjusted, confident, overachiever that I am today. Sure, life isn’t fair, but I’m sure that most kids being told that they can do anything they put their mind to do don’t grow up thinking things should be handed to them. Most kids probably get the spirit of the message with no problem (“to get what you want in life you have to work hard”) and don’t interpret it as literally as some of you making it out to be.

People probably inherit an entitlement mentality from the behaviors of their parents. If the waiter brings back a steak that is a tad less rare than Daddy wanted it be, and Daddy makes a big to-do about it, demanding free meals and a talk with the manager and whatnot, what are his kids going to learn from him? If Mommy parks in the handicapped space because she doesn’t think her quick run into the store will hurt anybody, her kids will see that kind of thoughtlessness as okay. If Mommy and Daddy pout because they are not getting enough praise and attention on their birthdays or whatever, the kids will also complain when the whole world gives not a damn about their birthday.

Like most things, it is what parents do that is most influential to their kids. Not say.

[you_with_the_face]

by jarbabyj

I think there’s a huge difference between telling a kid that he’s tops WITH YOU and telling him that he’s tops with the rest of the world. I have no problem with telling children that they’re the greatest part of YOUR life as a parent, but to give them the idea that they world is their unlimited oyster bar can lead to them being shocked when, in fact, they DO have to get in line for the bathroom.

But telling a kid that they are special does not inflate ego like that. And saying “You’re special to me” is not a nicer, more modest way of saying “You’re a special, unique, and wonderful person”. The former way is expressing how you feel about your kid; the latter is saying that your kid has great qualities that set them apart from others. There’s nothing wrong with instilling pride and self-worth in your kid by telling them that.

For pete’s sake, “you’re special” is no worse than telling your kid that they are smart or pretty/handsome. Most kids don’t think that just because their mom tells them that they are smart, that they are intellectually superior to everyone else, do they?